I've found out this week that a good friend of mine had died. I knew straight away he had taken his own life.
We had a turbulent relationship. No arguments, but there were a lot of feeling there that was more than friends from both sides. So sometimes he would back off and leave me for a few weeks as it would be difficult. But he would always come back. Always. It was always in his own time, and I understood when he would leave me. He wanted to keep our friendship but sometimes the feelings would bubble up and he had a harder time keeping it back than I did.
He had a bad childhood, and it hit him hard into his adulthood and alcohol played a large part in numbing this. He was struggling with his mental health and had been sectioned for it way before he met me. He told me as soon as we met a few years back that he had been suicidal in the past and had been sectioned. But he said he was now 'fine'.... but still attending therapy. He had family issues. And just overall struggling. You'd never know this, unless you really knew him. He was such a brilliant, funny but complex person.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. But I'm struggling and in a really dark place. We were going through one of our quiet patches, which he would initiate, but he always always reached back out to me.
I've since noticed that he had made a new fb account and had messaged me saying hey and asking how I was, two weeks before he died. It went into my spam folder and I didn't see it. He had other ways to get in touch but it's killing me knowing I didn't reply.
I know that he had a lot of friends and family that cared for him, and I know they will be feeling the same as me. I'm feeling angry, guilty and broken.
The one thing that I feel isn't helping is that I'm not close to his family or friends and I feel like I can't grieve with them. I don't think I would even enter their heads when it comes to this and that is no ones fault. I found out about his death on Facebook. I feel like I'm totally on my own.
The only one comfort I have is that I reached out to a neighbour of mine, who is we also a friend of his from his teens. I had to ask him what had happened and he told me. He also told me that he knew we were friends and that he told the friend that he thought the world of me. I am so happy that he spoke to this guy about me and it does comfort me. I know he thought the world of me, it was just nice hearing it from someone else.
The friend also told me he was due to go through a very good rehab next week.
Again I'm not sure why I'm typing all this. I wish he had messaged me... or any one of his large friendship group that night. I think I will have to live with this thought forever. It's all I can think about. Him being there on his own and thinking his life wasn't worth living.
I think the guilt is too much. There's so much I want to tell him.