Losing a parent to suicide

[absolutenightmare]

My dad died by suicide at the weekend. It wasn't a compete surprise as he had had 2 previous suicide attempts but the timing was a shock. I was supposed to see him on Monday and he had messaged on Friday saying he was looking forward to seeing me. Because I knew I was seeing him then, I hadn't spoken to him on the phone for a while and haven't seen him in person since December, which of course I now hugely regret. I am filled with so many emotions and I'm wondering how I'm ever going to move on from his death. We weren't particularly close and had a rather up and down relationship, which is making me feel worse about the whole thing. I can't quite believe this is my life.

Sorry for your loss OP

My father took his own life over a decade ago now. We weren't particularly close as I grew up (parents divorced) but he was a big feature of my childhood, so while I I wasn't "upset" as such when I heard the news, I still took time to grieve his life.

Were there any underlying mental health issues with your dad? Mine was very ill, an chronic alcoholic, in debt, very poor mental health... I like to think he's found peace now, and for him it really was the only way out.

I’m so sorry, @absolutenightmare. Such an incredibly traumatic time for you.

At some point you might like to look at this resource for adults bereaved by suicide. They have a helpline:
uksobs.org/ (you may have already seen it).

@someoneiou my dad didn't show any signs of underlying mental health issues until a few years ago when there was a very unfortunate incident which seemed to occur due to an acute mental health crisis. I don't think he was entirely neurotypical though but would never have been formally diagnosed with anything at this point in his life. I absolutely think this is what my dad wanted and at this point was his only way out. I'm just incredibly sad he didn't tell me his plans, although of course I understand why he wouldn't. I sort of wish he would have been able to access some sort of assisted dying type thing so at least we could have been prepared and been there with him.

@SparklingLime thank you for sharing that resource, I will take a look.

So sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my brother to suicide last year, so have some understanding of the utter shock and devastation of losing a loved one in this way.

Sending you my deepest sympathy.

Death by suicide is very unlike any other and losing a close relative like that is very different. My brother took his own life 7 yrs ago and it took me a long time to accept that there was lots I couldn’t change about the the situation and I carried a lot of grief and distress because of that. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself, you could only give your dad the support he let you give, this is not your fault. How I wish my brother had called me or called anyone that night but I don’t know why he didn’t and will never know what happened and I have come to accept that in time for the sake of my own well-being

I recently lost a friend to suicide, here if you need to talk . Was a complete and utter shock as I didn't know about previous attempts... I'm feeling the same as you, so many emotions... Sadness, anger, guilt... Then I realised today I've been OK past few days then began to feel guilty about that! Think it just comes in waves but I also think I'm still in shock/denial...

I'm so sorry, OP. It is a most abrupt and confusing way to lose someone, I know.

Just to understand - how old are you (approx) and your dad?

@Lifeispassingby it really feels like a very different sort of grief. I am feeling so angry with him that his children and grandchildren weren't enough for him to live for, angry that he said he was looking forward to seeing me one day and then killed himself the next, sad and guilty that I hadn't spoken to him on the phone or seen him in a while, guilty for feeling angry.

I am struggling with the unanswered questions, did he know he was going to kill himself on Saturday when he messaged on Friday, did he panic/suddenly regret what he'd done once he started but couldn't do anything about it.

@Wanderlust20 thank you. I will admit I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. I went to see his body the other day, which was very emotional and difficult. At first I couldn't go further than the doorway because he didn't look like him, and then once I was in the room I really struggled to leave because I knew that once I left the room I would never see him again.

@Parkerwhereareyou I'm late 20's and my dad was late 60's. So I'm pretty young to lose a parent generally.

This is so hard!