To talk at memorial service about my stillborn ds

[Sakladdie]

I have agreed to talk about my experience o my ds being stillborn. This is or a sands memorial xmas service.Although my sad loss was 20 years ago still very nervous.

Good for you - I hope you find this a useful and rewarding experience. I'm sure what you have to say will mean a lot to everyone there. Bravo!

How very brave of you.

I'm sure everybody who hears you will be touched and you may well help other parents.

Not surprised you're nervous though, is it public speaking that's worrying you or the subject?

Probably bit of both i suppose.Speak about ds often as want to remember him always but have never done this kind of thing. Just dont want to muck it up or upset anyone or get upset i suppose. Really agreed to this as want very much to say thank you to SANDS for their help to me since having dd 4 years ago and taking pnd afterwards with all the stress of pregnancy.

I think it would be a lovely way to remember your son and, personally, I would expect people to be upset. They should be, iyswim.

As with everything, all you can do is to try.

Let us know when it is and we can all send you positive vibes!

Thanks for that . It is on the fist Sunday in December at 2.30.Will def need those vibes.

You couldn't muck it up. People will know that you are speaking from the heart and that you are doing a dificult, brave thing and they will be enormously respectful of that.

All the best, hope it goes well.

Thanks.Very much speaking from the heart just have to make sure know when to stop. Could talk about my ds for hours easily.

Sakladdie, everyone there will hang on your every word and appreciate what it has taken for you to get up and talk about your ds.
I have lots of cause to be grateful to SANDS too - and like you, the support I got helped me survive a truly stressful pregnancy after a stillbirth. I can't actually go to the Xmas memorial services though, Tom was due on Jan 8th and I have real problems still with some carols etc.
So you are a braver woman than I and I wish you lots of luck for the service.
Our miracle dd is four as well btw XXX

Thanks Marina. I can understand you not being able to handle the xmas service. Hopeully in time you will make it as these are fabulous tho emotional days. How long ago is it since you had Tom ? And remember i have had 20 years tho i admit still feels like yesterday sometimes. Isnt itso fabulous to have come thru another pregnancy ok and have our dds.

He would have been five this January coming sakladdie. By one of life's strange coincidences, our best friends lost their ds a few months after birth eleven years ago, so we know that the memories are always there, and anniversaries, songs on the radio etc, can take you back to those raw and shocking days in an instant. Snow always makes me think of him as his due date saw a heavy fall all over SE England, and our plans to go down to the sea had to be scrapped. The beauty of the snow is a special memory though
You'll be speaking for us all XXX and when I hear about people whose babies died 20 or more years ago I do stop to think of how much more sensitively parents are treated these days in general, thanks to all SANDS' campaigning work with health practitioners, undertakers etc.

Yes Marina you are spot on in the difference as to how parents were treated then and now. Amazingly much more support and care now. SANDS was not set up when i had Darren so no help given at all then. Was hard but i have got there albeit with problems like PND and depression. Suppose that is to be expected. How lovely to have the beautiful tho difficult memories in the snow. I will be thinking of all parents when i do my talk but i will think of our beautiful boys up there together. Thanks take care.

Good luck sakladdie.

My mum lost stillborn twins 44 yrs ago and no-one ever spoke to her about it. She says that she felt as if she had failed and everyone was avoiding talking about it so that she didn't feel guilty. He MIL came into hospital and gave her a pep talk about getting a grip and starting to look after her husband and son! I didn't know much about it until my sil had a miscarriage 12 years ago and once mum got home later she started crying - sil obviously got loads of love and attention and it threw my mum's experience into sharp relief. I was the first person she had ever really talked about to 30 off yrs after the event. I still feel like weeping myself when I think about it now...

Being open about it and the feelings it causes seem to be vitally important. I really think that the whole experience has defined my mum's life in a negative way since it happened. Good for you. You are very brave and doing a wonderful thing

It is not too late for your mum to talk to SANDS you know OrmIrian. Sometimes the newsletter has people writing about their experiences of stillbirth half a century ago. Stories of experiences like your mums encouraged Bel Mooney to found SANDS with another bereaved parent. The people on the helpline are quite used to talking to older women and men who have never before been allowed to grieve openly for their lost babies
What happened to your mother was absolutely devastating and the idea that you should pull your socks up and get on with it seems utterly barbaric, with hindsight. And you lost twin siblings too I am so sorry.

Thanks Ormirian, I know exactly what you are saying about your mum. My then MIL told me to stop getting upset just weeks later and ripped up ds photo as she had "live" grandkids. That was hard. Didnt think i could go to SANDS as it was so long afterwards but they have been amazing.

Thanks marina. I do think about them sometimes. They did survive long enough to be baptised - Timothy and Christopher. Mum has visited their graves once or twice but my dad doesn't like her to 'wallow' .

Not sure I'd have been here though if they had survived though...suspect that 3 kids would have been more than enough.

Worst of it all was that from what she tells me about the pregnancy, she had pre-eclampsia but the doctor told her she was simply overweight and they kept her in and put her on a diet. Mind-blowingly incompetent and cruel

Marina is right they would help her immensely. And as you say it has affected your poor mother for rest of her days. Probably turned out much different person than she would have been i know i think i have.

I think I may look into it. But she's 76 now and I'm not sure she'd be willing

Oh Ormirian that is awful. Your poor poor mother. It was pre eclampsia or me too,runs in the family. Docs decided they knew better tho. They are much more on top of it these days tho.

See what she says, OrmIrian, she might surprise you. No-one at SANDS will accuse her of wallowing
I went to a hospital memorial service for babies who died at the hospital over the years and the oldest person there was nearly 80. Her firstborn son, whom she though of as John even though he was never named and she never saw or held him, was stillborn over 50 years ago.
It was the first time she had spoken of him in all that time. I think she found the service a great comfort.

Thankyou.

I've bookmarked the site and will have a proper look later.

Sakladdie - your experiential heartfelt kind words of empathy, and having been there will mean so much - rest assured it will

good luck

Thank you ScottishMummy that is what i am hoping for. R u based in sunny Scotland by the way?

im in North London

Oh so did you do a runner from this sunny country then?