Childminder has died, how to tell DD3?

[Lfinger]

Our lovely childminder worked with her mum who was officially her assistant. Her mum very sadly caught covid after shielding for a year and died a few weeks later. Our DDs are 16 months and 3 and not been at the childminders for a few weeks. I've read that you shouldn't really use euphemisms like they're sleeping or gone away or the child might be scared to go to sleep. Any suggestions for how I talk to DD 3 about it? Any suggestions of story books?

If she was shielding and had no contact with them for a year I wouldn’t mention it. A year is a very long time at that age and chances are they probably don’t even remember the mum properly. Just get the childminder a card from you if you haven’t done so already.

@GrumpyHoonMain

If she was shielding and had no contact with them for a year I wouldn’t mention it. A year is a very long time at that age and chances are they probably don’t even remember the mum properly. Just get the childminder a card from you if you haven’t done so already.

Would you expect the childminder and other children not to mention it either

OP I would be factual that cm mum was very poorly and died.

Maybe a variation of this.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies
by Doris Stickney
Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They
were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were
very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice
that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going
about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was
seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up
the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even
as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and
waited but it didn't return...
"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a
second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs,
a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one
of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he
or she went and why."
"We promise", they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan
found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what
was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the
broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw.
A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver
wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his
wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He
moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had
become a dragonfly!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated
in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad
to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why,
he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying
around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily
stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking,
the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced
away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...
"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise.
Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new
body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll
understand what has happened to me, and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and
air.......
From: "Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"

I would partly agree with PP - does your child remember this person?

If they do then it is best to be simple and factual. One of my DDs was 4 when my father died unexpectedly.

Something like this:

Sorry but I completely disagree with that waterbug text above. Way too confusing and meaningless to a 3 year old.

Badgers parting gift?

Goodbye Mog?

Child bereavement UK have some great resources, this article may be useful:

www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

They have info specific to talking with very little ones.

@HavfrueDenizKisi

Sorry but I completely disagree with that waterbug text above. Way too confusing and meaningless to a 3 year old.

Which I suggested it a variation of it.

*Which is why.

That's awful for the cm, her poor mum.
Try and keep it simple, OP. Just say she was poorly and has sadly died now. Agree with @HavfrueDenizKisi as this is an effective and clear way to tell them.

Thanks so much everyone. The simplest approach is the best I suppose. She already knows that she was unwell. Its so sad, she was such a kind and loving woman. My girls were very lucky to have spent time with her.

Personally, I wouldn’t mention it, unless child does. She may not every mention her.

My son is 4.5 and MIL passed at Christmas but as she lives abroad and hadn’t seen her for a year we haven’t told son and he’s not mentioned her once.

Just say " It's very sad, poor Susie has died. That means we won't see her any more at Joan's house. Joan is feeling sad so we'll take her a card and some flowers ".

I agree with @2bazookas. Say it simply but firmly that Susie has died and you won't see her anymore. Hopefully considering their time apart and how young your DD is she won't think too much of it. It might open up some questions about death though. If she asked what it means you can just say 'Sometimes people get poorly and die and it means we don't see them anymore'. Perhaps if there have been other losses in her life you could use them as examples?

As horrendous as death is, it is a part of life and it is important that children understand it as such. Be clear in your language and use specific language to explain the situation, avoiding phrases that are confusing for example she sleeping forever etc. Allow for time for upset but also be clear about moving on too, as children need to understand that death happens but life does continue on and that is ok

We had Waterbugs and Dragonflies for DD when her great nan died...DD was 3.5 at the time.

She was with us at my in laws when nan passed away in the spare room so the book wasn't the only explanation she had but she seemed to grasp the idea and found it comforting.

Thanks for all your replies. It was really helpful. I went with something along the lines of Sussex has died which means hee body doesn't work anymore and we won't see her again. Martha feels very sad and we'll all miss Susie. DD started back at the childminders last week, she's asked abit about the lady who died but she's been OK. Thanks again