Family after loss

[Cocothecat42]

I've posted about how my dp and I are considering ttc. I have a ds from previous relationship who is coming up 10. So big age gap. But we are happy and secure.

In the last year I lost my grandmother and more recently my dad. My dad was only 59 so very hard to deal with. I have this nagging feeling around having another baby that would never know these two hugely important people in my life. Who would never have the same memories of our family and grandparents as my ds. And who would actually have very few grandparents as dp has lost both of his.

Is it normal to feel this way? Should it be a concern if everything else is fine? Just feeling very sad at the prospect of it.

It is very normal and natural to feel your losses more strongly when big life events come up, yes.
Even when the dc grow up, it is at times like weddings, and graduations which would normally be family times that there still seems to be a 'hole' many years later.

You are very new in dealing with your grief, and have had two losses close together.
It is normal and natural, but shouldn't prevent you from moving on with your life.

Thank you, reassuring to know that it's normal. I suppose I almost feel bad for a baby that doesn't even exist yet who would miss out on so many memories that the rest of the family have. No knowledge of two people who were so important to our family.

My DS only ever had 1 Grandparent - who happens to live 8000 miles away, so never knew them really anyway. And both DH and I lost our own Grandparents long ago, so DS didn't have any older people in his life. But he never knew any different so it's never been an issue; instead, he has a wonderful relationship with his Godfather, and has an Uncle and Aunt (who live in another country, but call him weekly) who also adore him.

Honestly, I can think of hundreds of reasons not to have more children - but lack of Grandparents doesn't even make the top 50

Very sorry for your losses .

But the baby will have knowledge of those 2 special people OP, because you'll tell them, won't you? Tell them stories about "I remember when I was wee, my daddy said/ did / took me out for the day to ...." x, y, z.

And show them photos? I'm old, but even I have photos of my Grandad who died before I was born. I used to get told often by my Granny that I had a cheeky smile, just like Grandad, or that my big mop of curly hair was just like his too.

Finally, although I don't have DC myself, I am an honorary granny! I have a friend who I met through a shared hobby years ago, she's nearly 30 years younger than me - her wee girl calls me "Granny Carrie". So as Gumbo said, there'll be other people who will form important bonds with the baby too.

I meant to add - we've got a 'Grandparent bench' in the garden with a little plaque remembering them by name, so DS knows who they are and talks about them - it's probably not everyone's taste but we like to sit on it

I lost my mum before I had children. I do still feel that she is missing and that hurts, but I talk about her with my children, show them photos. I play her favourite music on her birthday and my kids and I have a silly dance to it.
I find motherhood hard at times, when I missed those milestones. When you see your parents hold your baby for the first time. Christmas, birthdays, are happy but also tinged with sadness, but having my DCs has brought so much joy to our family life.

Thank you for the reassuring comments. I guess I'm just looking at it through the perspective of my ds who had such a wonderful early childhood and memories with these two people that this imaginary baby will never know. It just hurts that life goes on without them :(

It’s swings and roundabouts.

I always feel said that I’ll never meet my children’s grandchildren who are years away from being born!

Just a life process.