Why am I not feeling any better almost a year on?

[myhardestgoodbye]

I lost my cousin suddenly in June last year. She was 23. She collapsed while walking in front of her sons and died hours later in hospital. Apparently the cause was a heart attack. She was perfectly healthy.
She was like a sister I never had, we had our babies at the same time, we would spend hours on FaceTime and she was really the only person in the world who has patience for my anxiety issues.
Her dad and my mum (brother and sister) had fallen out earlier in the year and due to that when it came to an invite to the funeral etc I was pushed out. I didn't really feel like I was given 'permission' to grieve. I'm not sure more than a week has gone by since she passed that I haven't cried.
I'm now pregnancy again and it's really brought home she's not here. I stare at my phone and it's like there's a huge gap where she was. I miss her so much it hurts and I'll never get over or understand why she isn't here.
I've tried talking to CRUSE and although lovely I haven't found it's helped much.
Is it normal to still feel this way almost a year on??

Of course it’s normal. It never really leaves you. Time will heal a little, but a year on isn’t much time at all, plus it’s not been your average year.

I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m really sorry you weren’t able to attend the funeral.

I agree with pp, it will get easier with time but a year is nothing compared to 23 years of having her in your life. Take care of yourself x

I'm so sorry for your loss. In my experience, grief isn't something that goes away after a set amount of time. It's the gift that keeps on giving and can take years to even soften just a bit. I'm afraid it's something that you just have to walk alongside. There is no cure, no feeling better and it's shit and brutal and unfathomable.

It’s very normal. Horrifying when someone close to you drops dead at such a young age and therefore much more difficult to come to terms with than a bereavement in the natural order. You will feel better one day, it will take lots of time though.

Absolutely normal OP.

I lost my son over 4 years ago and I am still heartbroken. You just find a way of living with it.

Your bereavement is called traumatic bereavement, not better or worse than others, but has different effects.

There is no timetable for grief, and a year is very new.

My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly more than four years ago and While all outward appearances would argue all good, I feel very bad right now.

As an aside, I recently binge-watched Ricky Gervais's "After Life " on Netflix. I was at first irritated, then saw the point of the fact that the bereavement time was never named, e.g. number of months/years after the death of his wife as, I assume, it would take away from the depiction of the experience of grief.

An invaluable book I was given is this:

www.booktopia.com.au/coping-with-grief-5th-edition-dianne-mckissock/book/9780733339578.html

One of the surprising things it notes is that counselling is often better years after, not straight away.

So very sorry for your loss.

After a traumatic loss I found the first year I was pretty much in shock and, of course, experienced all the 'firsts'. The first Birthday after his death, the first Christmas etc. The first anniversary was dreadfully painful. When the second year started I started to realise that he was actually not just away for a while but that he was never going to come home and it felt like experiencing that rawness all over again. I can honestly say the pain at that time was the worst.
OP you will grieve for as long as you will grieve. 14 years on I still miss him every single day, but now not every single minute. The sadness is exactly the same but the grief is much softer.
I imagine that with every step of your pregnancy you will recall the same stages that you experienced with your cousin the first time around. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. I found that fighting the grief took far too much energy.
I feel for you OP and you are most certainly not abnormal in your feelings. I didn't find Cruise very useful either, I don't think the counsellor was actually qualified that came to my house. I also didn't find psychotherapy useful at the time. What helped was having friends around who knew him and who would allow me to talk whatever the day or time. Are you in touch with anyone else, either friends or family, who knew you're cousin?

your cousin