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Death of abusive parent

13 replies

homebird29 · 25/03/2021 20:02

My dad died suddenly a few days ago, in his early 60’s. He was incredibly violent behind closed doors- I went through physical and emotional abuse throughout all of my childhood and teenage years at his hands. Hardly anyone knew, work colleagues thought he was a gentleman etc. He was still married to my mum, who has never believed me about the abuse or chooses not to! I wished for years she would leave but she never did. The funeral is next week. How on earth do I cope with people telling me they’re sorry for my loss of my ‘lovely’ dad? I’m both relieved my abuser is dead and very angry about the whole situation.

OP posts:
Hels48 · 25/03/2021 20:11

I’m so sorry you’ve suffered this and feel sad and angry that your mum hasn’t believed you. I wouldn’t go to the funeral and just tell her - you know why I’m not going - take yourself out of the situation so you don’t have to hear those things and be hurt even more. Big hugs x

glassshoes · 25/03/2021 20:13

I am so sorry this happened to you, and that your mum didn't support you.

Honestly, what I would do is develop a cough the day before the funeral....

WiseOwlOne · 25/03/2021 20:15

You could stand in your own corner by honouring your right not to go.

People will wonder. People will notice you're not there. But if they care enough to ask you, you can tell them a version of the truth that brooks no response.

"'I'm not ready to talk about it but he was abusive and it harmed me but I understand that he showed a different side of himself to strangers'.

or, an even further dialled back explanation

I had good reasons for not attending. It was a difficult decision but I made the right choice.

homebird29 · 25/03/2021 20:16

Thank you @Hels48 and @glassshoes - I haven’t seen him in a long time and my gut feeling is to go to the funeral for closure. I think it might help to see his coffin be put into the ground. It’s a blessing that the funeral numbers will be small due to COVID I guess. I’m just dreading it...

OP posts:
WiseOwlOne · 25/03/2021 20:18

@glassshoes

I am so sorry this happened to you, and that your mum didn't support you.

Honestly, what I would do is develop a cough the day before the funeral....

Oh yes, that's clever.

{cough}

Do it @homebird29 Sending you a virtual lemsip and a hug.
Sorry this happened to you.

My mum has been extremely cruel at times but then what's worse is when the rest of the family jumps in to gaslight me in to being the villain for having been hurt! HOW dare I be hurt! How inconvenient! The cheek of me, thinking I have the right to a boundar! This part is honestly worse. So don't feel false guilt about not being there to support your mother. She did what was easiest for her. Sounds like there will be other people there who accept the narrative that he was a great guy

homebird29 · 25/03/2021 20:19

It’s comforting to know that developing a cough is a genuine excuse these days to not attend a funeral- if I should need that! Ha

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spurs4ever · 25/03/2021 20:32

@homebird29 How do you get on with your Mum? Would you be able to say to yourself that you're going to support her? If not then definitely feel a cough coming on x

BunnyRuddington · 25/03/2021 20:32

I'd also think about getting some grief counselling, it might help you to work through how you're feeling about how he treated you and how your Mum ignored your plight. Grief Counselling isn't just fir those who are sad that they've lost someone Thanks

Easterbunnygettingready · 25/03/2021 20:36

If you feel the need for closure go when everyone has left.. My dm was estranged from her dm and as we left the cemetery I saw dm walking to the grave.. She got her closure.. We skipped her drama.

BunnyRuddington · 25/03/2021 21:22

If you do go to the funeral, there was a similar thread recently where the poster was asking fir ways to reply to others comments. I can't find the thread but the gist of it was to say things like "it's lovely to see you here" "I'm sure he would appreciate that you're here" "can I get you anything". Just basically go armed with a host of platitudes so that you don't feel that you have to say that you're upset, if you don't feel that way.

homebird29 · 26/03/2021 08:54

@BunnyRuddington that sounds really helpful, thank you. My mum is in complete denial of the abuse and went to great efforts to cover it up among family- telling them I had mental health problems etc. I’ve great support outside of my own family but just find any contact with them very difficult and have pretty much cut myself off (which was gone largely unnoticed). The funeral will be hard but it will be a relief to see my abuser gone forever.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 28/03/2021 09:15

The funeral will be hard but it will be a relief to see my abuser gone forever.

Let us know how you get on. My violent and abusive "D"M is still with us so I still have this to come Thanks

Snowdrop30 · 28/03/2021 09:19

I also still have this to come. Sending Flowers

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