Coming out of lockdown without Dad

[Soopermum1]

Dad died in July. His last few months were marred with lockdown, though he handled it well and remained cheerful.

I thought I was ok, haven't cried in a while. But today on the radio they marked a year since lockdown started. The tone was optimistic and they played Here Comes The Sun. it just set me off. We're looking forward to happier times, seeing our loved ones, we'll be coming out of a horrible time, but Dad won't be with us to enjoy it. He was an optimistic person and would have loved all the parties and get togethers and holidays. I feel like we'll be leaving him behind, shutting the door on him as well as shutting the door on a horrible chapter of our lives.

Hello, I'm so sorry about your Dad . I'm no expert but I thought I'd bump your post a bit.

What I'd say is it's totally natural when you are grieving to think a lot about how your loved one passed, especially if it was in difficult circumstances like lockdown. It's also normal to dwell on and think about their absence (now and for the future) a lot. I think that last part can really hit you quite a bit after they're gone, months later even, when all the shock of the death and then the hustle and stress of sorting the funeral and other 'arrangements' are over, and everyone else just goes back on with their lives as if they've forgotten the person even existed and you're left to adjust to your 'new' reality without them in it... I definitely felt quite resentful (for want of a better word) when we lost my dad of people obliviously going on with their happy lives, being positive and optimistic and such, and I certainly found it hard to enjoy happy family events (we had a few weddings, christenings etc) in the months afterwards. It felt really wrong to be celebrating and looking forward to a happy future, and just made me feel super melancholy, lots of nihilistic musings about the fleeting nature of life and general futility of existence (which was not very appropriate during the disco at DH's 2nd cousins' wedding ).

All I can say to comfort you is with time comes a greater acceptance and ability to look back positively and gratefully for the good memories and times together you had - it doesn't stop you being sad they're gone, that never goes away unfortunately, but alongside that you can be happy you had them and that can bring a return of your own optimism IYSWIM... be kind to yourself in the meantime, allow yourself to feel sad, don't let anyone tell you 'you should be over it by now' or any such silliness. Cry if you want to, sit and just feel a bit low if that's it, unfortunately I find grief tends to come in inconvenient waves, at moments when you really should be thinking about or doing something else rather than sobbing because something small reminded you of the person you've lost, but hey ho, you fake it when you have to (don't worry, I held it together for the disco!) and let it out when you can...

Thanks @maxelly I think grief does come at certain times. I suppose it just felt so juxtaposed against the hopeful tone of the DJs message, and the song (he was a big Beatles fan) I'm happy for myself and happy for everyone that we're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose I'm just a bit scared on the next stage of my 'new normal'. Real joy and happiness has been put on hold and I'm feeling conflicted about embracing it.

I will, when it comes, enjoy the re emergence to life. My last words to him were a promise that me and the kids would be happy. He lived a happy life and would want nothing less for me. There might be some bittersweet moments

I totally get it. I lost my mum in April. Ironically she said she’d been quite enjoying lockdown as she’d loved the family zoom quizzes and I think the excitement of it all - also loved ringing me several times a day to add ‘just one more thing’ on to the online shop. Her death was sudden and shocking and I feel the same about coming out of lockdown without her. She’d also have loved planning the reunions and the sense of optimism and shared experience and although it’s nearly a year ago I just still can’t believe it. I don’t have any answers except I suppose we will have to maybe be prepared for a fresh wave of grief as the life we thought we’d go back to isn’t there for us anymore. 💐

I feel the same. I lost my mum to covid in January, so it's very very difficult. People talk of getting back to normal.
There's no more normal for me.

I face daily triggers and she's not here to enjoy the sun or anything else we would have done when things open up.

The sun saddens me now. It's bittersweet.

Hi everyone I just wanted to send a message as something's that you guys have said sound just like what am feeling now.
My lovely mum died 8 weeks ago after a sudden illness and hospital admission (mum fought for 11 days I was by her side for 9 of those days). It was the most horrific experience for mum she died of kidney failure. I had to watch her go through the suffering whilst trying everything I could to get the drs to save her but they couldn't repair her kidneys the damage was too severe and she was too sick for dialysis.
I feel such overwhelming sadness my mum lived in a care home but she wasn't elderly she was 66 years old. The last year was hard for mum, for me and for the rest of our family as the care home rules were very strict. We used to meet weekly every Monday but behind a glass screen or in the garden but couldn't go any closer than 2 meters and no touching.
I hadn't hugged my mum for almost a year until 25 Feb when I seen her in the hospital looking so ill and so scared for her life.
I know how you all feel coming out of lockdown without your parent it seems so unfair. Mum had her 1st Covid vaccine and was due her 2nd when she was fighting for her life in hospital she even has Covid last year and was totally fine got through it no bother. Am thinking about the coming out of lockdown changes that are happening now in mums care home you can go inside for visits as they have Covid testing facilities onsite but that's no use for mum it's all come too late and now that we are emerging out of lockdown it doesn't feel right that mum won't be able to experience a sense of freedom again. I was at mums care home yesterday to collect her arm chair which I have stored at my dad's. It was very upsetting going back there. I noticed that in her bedroom window there were signs of someone else living there now. Someone else in her room where mum should be right now but instead she is buried underneath the ground. This is such a disturbing thought but it comes into my head often. I go to the cemetery every 2nd day to visit mum and tend to her little plot there and make sure she has some nice flowers.
Mum loved the sun and I keep imagining her sitting in the garden with her face turned upwards towards the sun enjoying the warm feeling in her face. She loved that and it would always lift her mood.
It doesn't feel real that she is actually gone forever. My phone is silent as mum used to call and texted me daily. We'd either speak on the phone or WhatsApp every day.
I feel like I have lost the only person who ever loved me without judgement and completely unconditionally. The one person that knew me better than anyone else on this planet was my mum. That connection has now gone and I truly do not know how to be without her.

Am sorry for everyone's losses I feel your pain every step in the way.