What 1 thing did people say to you?

[Donbean]

I would just like to ask you all, what one thing that people said to you around your loss that sticks with you always?
I dont mean thoughtless comments, we can all recall those, i mean the one thing that some one said to you which hit a chord and profoundly meant something to you and that you will never forget.

But there again, any loss is a loss.

But lisalisa you're acknowledging the death. It's the NOT doing that that upsets. When my dad died, on my first day back at work, a male colleague who'd recently been widowed, just came up behind me a squeezed my shoulders. Didn't need to say anything.

My boss though said "Some people find having more work helps them, do you want me to give you more to do?"

here here Marina im agreeing with you what i was saying is... sometimes you dont need to say anything a hug and a cry with the person who is upset shows you care! you dont need words ... trying to be kind there sorry if you misread!!!!

i know what you mean needtobeamummy im crap when it comes to emmotional stuff even when im on recieving end of the grief, i found it easier when i had my mc that people cuddled me and had a cry with me, sometimes actions speak louder than words, think thats what you were meaning,

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I didn't phrase it terribly well lisalisa but what I was trying to say is that from your posts on here you are a caring person, and I am sure that your silence comes across as a caring silence rather than an "I don't care" silence. Well, that's made it all much clearer...
Tinker. Since when did more work make ANYTHING better...
Fisil, dd was born within days of the first anniversary of Tom's death. We had quite a few people, including one of my GPs, assert that this took all the hurt away. Err? REALLY sorry you have experienced this too.
Bumblelion, PLEASE don't apologise, I thought we were talking generally about bereavement here too. I found in counselling after Tom's death that on the conscious and the unconscious level the death of my child made me think about all of my family relationships, and I think any bereavement does this - sort of you can't discuss it in a vacuum...or compartmentalise it if you like.

Lisalisa and anyone else who felt badly about my comments about the people that didnt say anything. I wasnt referring to people who came and visited and said nothing or anyone i bumped into but people who i knew quite well that kept away totally. I really now that they were just cowards and have issues but hell it really hurt!!!

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lisalisa, our nursery has a confidentiality policy, i don't think they should have told you and you should mention it to the manager as it's put you in a difficult position. i personally wouldn't mention it, unless she brings it up.

Agree with bundle. Although divulged with the best of intentions, the info you've been given is confidential and you are right to be hesitant to mention it. Good to hear she is out of hospital.
(This could be seen as an example of the difference between "not caring and saying nothing" and caring but saying nothing" - in reference to a previous conversation on here! )

the confidentiality policy can backfire..i didn't know about a bereavement and talked in jolly manner to someone at our nursery (who was v kind & understanding)...sooooo wish I'd known, rather than make a complete prat of myself but hey ho.

Tell me about it bundle. I was dragging myself around in 2002(poor, poor pitiful me) and confiding in one of the wonderful nursery nurses and it transpired that while I'd been off she had nearly died from an ectopic. It is such a difficult line to tread, especially when you do take an interest in each other's wellbeing, out of regard for your child's caregivers and the parents of your child's little pals.
How was the Divine Comedy?

Marina, I said you look great, you must be getting some sleep to mum whose baby had died a few weeks earlier because no one had told me. i burst into tears, she was fabulous.

divine comedy was....divine. neil was choked by just being in the royal albert hall. also dedicated a toon to george dubyah (didn't work) and john peel (a joy division cover, cos he didn't like the DC!). if anything the last time i saw them was better because the large orchestra rather drowned out his beautiful vocal.

Oh bundle I's so sorry to hear that. The poor woman and what an awful situation to be in for you. My nursery nurse friend was really cool about it too.
If you are still coming to the City lunch on Thurs will want to hear more re concert.

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i would still say nothing. dd1 hardly tells me any news from the nursery and sometimes makes things up

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and when you're told that your child has bitten/been bitten you're never told the victim/perpetrator...unless dd1 tells you

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dd2 does it too, she's 18 mths and I did warn them... - she had timeout the other day

The best things anyone said to were simply that they were sorry. Also the people that said this in the workplace were not necessarily the ones I had expected (I have not been working in the place for long) and my estimation of those people is very high, I am so grateful for their taking the risk to be kind to someone they did not know well. I did not think badly of the people that said nothing though. One of my closest friends was quite uncomfortable saying anything but later on sent a lovely card. I think a genuine expression of sympathy is always welcome, it does not have to be eloquent or wise, just heartfelt in terms of sympathy to a fellow human being.