What 1 thing did people say to you?

[Donbean]

I would just like to ask you all, what one thing that people said to you around your loss that sticks with you always?
I dont mean thoughtless comments, we can all recall those, i mean the one thing that some one said to you which hit a chord and profoundly meant something to you and that you will never forget.

Titania
The comments that helped me most after my second early m/c (when I first posted on mumsnet) were along the lines of "whatever you're feeling is normal".

Lesley Reagan writes that however you respond to a loss, that is the right response. I found that very powerful and I have said it to people who are experiencing loss since then. My brother found it useful when he was grieving this summer, because he had all the usual feelings of guilt and worry that he "should" be feeling something different.

All of your responses tell me that in actual fact there are no "right words" as such.
It apears that those who say nothing at all to you are the ones who are evident in your memories, i think though that to be fair, they say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing.
I can only remember the remarks made by people which were hurtful, my desperate sorrow and overwhelming grief will be with me for always but at the same time i remember my joy at finding out i was pregnant, every minute of every day i was thinking about my baby growing inside me. The excitement and warm feelings i had when i thought about the future....which is now, 3 years on, and the future is every thing i knew it would be with my little boy. I will never forget my 2 little babies who didnt arrive as id hoped, but they were letting my James come to me...............

It's hard to say what comforts me, Donbean. An honest answer would be nothing, I suppose. I wish I did have faith, it seems to have so mich comfort for so many. I'd never say to anyone that time is a great healer but it does help take the edge off the rawness of emotion and allow you to remember the good times instead of the awfulness of loss. I am one of those who is able to consider my miscarriage and say that it was nature's way and that had it not occured, I wouldn't now have my ds2, a fairly pragmatic view, really.

Knowing what to say is such a hard question. I think 'I'm so sorry' is as good as anything else. It opens the lines of communication yet is unlikely to give offence.

just adding to what I said yesterday, the nicest thing anyone said (though there were lots of comforting words) but at DH's funeral his best mate of 30 years + said that in all the time he had known DH, he had never known him so content and happy as when he was with me, he thought dh was always looking for something and when he met me, he found it. Had me in floods of tears obviously but lovely at the same time.

delgirl

When the vicar came to our house to discuss the funeral for dd, he just sat down and said, "im sorry-its such a shit" coming from a man of the cloth this made us both laugh, the first time since she had died.

The other thing that sticks is being called by the clinic to see if baby and i would like to go back and meet all the other mums and their babies. 'er no, my little girl is dead" followed by "oh um sorry, are you ok" followed by bbbeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppp.

Donbean, like lots of others on here I was on the receiving end of some really crass sht when our son Tom was stillborn. I also had lots of general love and support from friends who didn't so much speak as listen* while I vented ad infinitum and never looked bored or fed up.
Two good things were said to me by friends who had been through the horror of both a stillbirth and the death of another baby after weeks in NICU. They said grief was like flu. It lays you so low that you can't look after anyone else, and that means your relationship could suffer short-term at least. I was grateful for that warning because although in lots of ways Tom's death did bring us closer there were many days when we couldn't cope with each other's misery.
The other thing they said was, it would take a year and a day before anything started to feel better. I didn't really believe this tbh, but it was true for us, as it turned out.
Puff, are you who I think you are? A N Other Mumsnetter Whos Name I Have Not Seen Lately suggested those wonderful words on Tom's thread and we used them at his funeral. I did not know about the Grosvenor Square Monument either, Kate.
It's funny how different things act as a trigger for us all. I hated people saying "there was a reason" for Tom's stillbirth. We put his tiny body through the indignity of a pointless post mortem and no cause was ever given for his death. Some positives have come out of Tom's death for us, sure, including our wonderful, beloved dd, but I still feel even acknowledging that is an insult to his life cut short. Suffering might have made dh and I wiser, more understanding, stronger people in the end (I hope so), but what exactly did it achieve for Tom?
But I do know people who find the ultimate cause argument a very great comfort. Whatever works for you, as I think fisil said.
Donbean, I posted on your other thread. You sound like a friend in a million and you and your friends are in my thoughts. Listening to them will be a great help. XXX

The thing that really helped me (16 week missed miscarriage, and complicated tumour in the placenta) was my consultant (and several other doctors) saying over and over, "This is a horrible thing to happen. I'm so sorry this has happened to you."

I don't know why this was the right thing to hear -- I think perhaps events were moving so fast (from antenatal clinic through surgery to oncology outpatients in five days) that my emotions couldn't catch up. Having people acknowledge that something awful was happening and expressing their sympathy really really helped (though it made me burst into tears each time).

What really didn't help was people not being able to deal with it -- my mum saying to dh, "It's for the best, I didn't think it was a good idea to have this baby anyway", or the consultant in scan dept ignoring me, and walking out after saying to the radiographer, "Can you deal with this".

Agree with others, you sound as if you're exactly the kind of friend they will need.

Mirror image to Ghosty - I'm a reasonably facts based person. I made myself talk about it openly at work (though nobody even knew I was pregnant), so that colleagues knew why I was crying every now & again. But I remember our Irish receptionist then saying I'd now got a little angel in Heaven looking out for me. Boy, that touched me, still does, always makes me smile & cry at the same time. Also remember a very tough bloke who quietly told me (doubt if he evr told another soul at work) how sad he and his wife were at continually losing babies.

You know, i have been a bit down lately with the news of my friends little girl and thinking back to my own losses. I think that is why i posted this thread in the first place, just feeling that way out these past couple of weeks i suppose.
Today, we had a Halloween party, if i could of cancelled it i would have at the drop of a hat. But i didnt. Wasnt looking forward to it at all.
Every body arrived with their little ones all dressed up and excited.
Looking around the house at them all, in my house were the very people who helped me in thier own little ways at the time i needed it.
They are all the people who are the most important to me,who's company individually or together i would be happy to have any time.
I cant remember one thing that they each said to me, but i remember that they were there for me...for us.
people who have travelled my journey with me and who have had journeys themselves.
I feel lucky and privelidged to know them and to have had them by my side.
Im glad we had that little Halloween party....and the pot of curry we made was good too!

Ps. im getting on my OWN nerves now going on and on so i will shut up and stop whining about stuff. Thanks to you all for the honesty and for re opening old wounds,It means allot to have people who understand. x

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On a lighter note...
while in hosp at this stage i knew i had M/C and i had all the doctors and nurses poking me IYKWIM.. I burst out crying demanding to go home because i was sick and tired of people poking me.. My DP said " relax it will only be me poking you in a couple of days " what could i say!!! i had to laugh.. I understand some people don't relise what they say, my best friend said you'll get over it and have more !!!!! i was soooo mad with her but she though she was helping in a strange way.....

I was very touched when my MIL called last month to say she was thinking of me - it was the week the baby I lost in March was due. Less helpful was the friend who, in seeing the chaos of the house we have moved to in August said "Well, at least you're not heavily pregnant, too".

After my parents died, I really appreciated friends who just asked occasionally how I was doing, remembered things like Mothers Day and Fathers Day and made an effort to say they were thinking of me. I did get some amazing letters of condolence, touching and perfect, but you don't have to be hugely articulate to help when someone has lost a loved one - just say that you are thinking of them.

Puff and Kateandthegirls - love the beautiful grief quote - I'm going to pin it to my noticeboard.

hugs to all of you that have suffered the loss of loved ones. This thread has touched on some long ago buried wounds for me. I agree that i most of all remember the people that let me down and said or did nothing and just kept away when both my parents died. Most of all my best friend always seems to remember that days like mothers day and fathers day are really tough for me now and always remembers to call and ask how im doing. It always makes me feel a little better and validates my feelings

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sometimes saying nothing and getting a hug says more than words

One of the nicest things said to me after my dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 2000 (at the age of 56).

I worked with him so, not only was he a father, we also had a professional relationship.

My friend wrote me a lovely letter (which I still have) which says that basically, although I feel that I have been cheated by my dad dying at such a young age, at least I have good loving fond memories of my dad (her dad left when she was about 1 year old and, although they got back in touch again when she was an adult (about 30), she feels she will never have those memories that I have.

hear hear needtobeamummy. It's the saying AND doing nothing that can hurt sometimes lisalisa, that is definitely NOT you

Lisalisa, no judgment here. A hug and a shared cry mean more than just words in these situations.

I need to apologise for my posting as, although I was bereaved when I lost my dad, that obviously isn't the same as losing a child. Sorry.

wilbur - that makes me wonder. When a friend recently announced his engagement I talked to him about his dad who had died recently (but not met his fiance) about how he would have liked her and how sad it was. And when a friend became a grandparent a year after her husband died I congratulated her and then talked about her husband.

Do you think this was helpful to these people? I think it was because I ended up (sods law) announcing this pregnancy the week that the baby I lost was due. Several people commented that it made it all better and that was so untrue. The fact that I had my scan the week my baby was due actually made it even more stressful and traumatic than I could have imagined - but then I can't think what people could have said about the mc that would have been right (I think in this case just saying, "it must be a tough time for you but congratulations" was enough)

Bumbelion, it was my understanding that this thread was a general discussion of all bereavements. I haven't lost a child either, which is obviously the worst thing that can happen to you.

Fisil, I really appreciate it when people talk about my late husband. Sometimes it feels as though people have forgotten, which I know is not the case, but they don't want to mention him in case it might upset me.