How can I help my friend?

[NicMac]

Dear All
Just reading through some of your posts makes me cry and I respect the immense courage you all have. I am posting because I just don't know how to best help a very good friend. Her 2 and a half year old daughter was killed in February. To compound her grief she was in fact responsible for the accident, so she lives with immense guilt as well as missing her little daughter tremendously. I was 6 months pregnant at the time so I felt horrendous. I was at the hospital with her and will never forget that day all my life. Her oldest daughter (5) is the same age as my twin boys and saw everything. Her daughter was obviously affected but seems to be doing well, though does talk about it at school according to my sons. I have not mentioned this to my friend as I feel she has enough to deal with. Am I right? Also, my friend just does not seem to able to stop hating herself. Her husband is great but I think they both put on a front to try and continue a relatively 'normal' life. SHe is going to counselling but I'm not sure how much it is helping. She doesn't want to communicate with other families who have lost a child. I just wanted to ask you all if you knew how best I could help her. I love her and her family dearly. Thank you

Don't really know what to say, but wanted to bump this for you in the hope that someone more helpful might come along. What a terrible thing to have happened - you sound like a very caring friend btw.

Some ideas of what other people have done
people start charities related to children or fundraising for an existing charity. Do a scrapbook with everybodys photos of her child and get them all to write in their memories. Collect for a memorial to her at her playgroup if she went to one. We have a willow maze at school which is a memorial to a little boy who died there.
Take her out for coffee/meal/outing and mention her child occasionally 'Sally would have loved this' etc Don't feel you can't talk about it unless she asks you not to. It helped my grief to talk. Could you raise a few thousand to get her photo on a roundabout well like
this one?

my sympathies go to you and your friend and family, if only we could put the clocks back. I feel that i do understand what your ftiend is going through, my son died whilst out crossing a road with me, he was 2 years 10 months old, my other son was 5 years old but safely in school that day, this was 6 years ago.I live with the guilt and in the dark early days all the what ifs, yes i can also blame the car driver for ot thinking and the highways department for not having the correct speed limit in place and ensuring safe place to cross the road, but ultimately I am his mum ,i was there i should of....
Ithink the way i got through it was i had caused so much pain to so many that i had to get my head road for my family to loose a son, brother, nephew, grandson, etc was almost unbearable but to loose me or the person i am if i succumbed to being sucked into that dark place, well that was something i could controll and felt i had to do.
So with much support from family and friends, you have to look upwards and onwards
very easy to say but she can do it with support, if i can help further please contact me , i send you my heart felt best wishes

Thank you so much Katiekin, I wondered if a park bench might be an idea to dedicated to her daughter at the park we all took our children to. Maggie61 I can't begin to thank you for your message bacause it really made me think that there is a way she could take control again. I tried to email you but I can't see your address on your profile. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother, you are a wonderful person in any case for having the fortitued to get through this for your family. NicMac

Sorry had to leave off before finishing my post , my advise for helping her is to listen and let her go over and over it if she will talk about it , bring back as many memories that you can of the past times you have shared to me that is what remains the precious memories and uou have to treasure them and keep them fresh, in my opinion you can never do wrong by mentioning any thing that reminds you of that person, any photos you ,get copies for her as they will mean so much to her. Help her to find ways to include her daughter in future events, ie ballon release, firework sent up to her, planting rose, tree, donation to a charity , special ornamant at xmas.
think i am rambling but hope it helps, xxx

Sorry had to leave off before finishing my post , my advise for helping her is to listen and let her go over and over it if she will talk about it , bring back as many memories that you can of the past times you have shared to me that is what remains the precious memories and uou have to treasure them and keep them fresh, in my opinion you can never do wrong by mentioning any thing that reminds you of that person, any photos you ,get copies for her as they will mean so much to her. Help her to find ways to include her daughter in future events, ie ballon release, firework sent up to her, planting rose, tree, donation to a charity , special ornamant at xmas.
think i am rambling but hope it helps, xxx

whoops am making a mess of this !! will try to sort out my profile