first christmas without dad

[mummypud]

my dad died 3 months ago and im finding life so hard at the moment. he was ill for a while so it was excpected but his bithday would be this month and now everybody is talking about christmas and i dont feel christmasy at all. actually i want to sleep through december! i have a dd so i know we have to make the most of it but how did others in the same situation cope? christmas was his best time and i dont know how to face it .xxx

Oh darling. What a cruddy situation for you. It's a very new situation and the pain will still be very raw. I have little advice other than to say try to make the best of it for your dd's sake (how old is she?) But if you feel like sitting alone and crying sometimes then do
Cosset yourslef and make sure you are kind to yourself
If you fancy "time out" then take it
If you fancy a hoooge bar of choc then have it!
Love to you honey
Do hope you can find some joy this Christmas
XX

It's going to be really really hard for you - 3 months is no time at all. I'm dreading Christmas and all its associations and am coming up to the 4th Christmas without my father around. There is no easy way to get through it - maybe in a couple of years you'll be able to do what my family is gradually doing, which is to change the routines slightly so it feels different, IFSWIM. I think most bereaved people find Christmas or other holiday periods the hardest to get through. Just enjoy your DD's enjoyment of it as much as you can, remind yourself that it is really only one day, and go very easy on yourself. And while the sadness doesn't really go away, it does become easier to cope with - it just becomes part of the luggage you carry around and it won't, in the future, stop you being happy.

The first Christmas will probably be awful, there's no way round it. In my case, we decided to go away, to my aunt's, so absolutely nothing was the same, and it maybe wasn't so obvious that there was a glaring hole where dad should be. Can't say if it helped as I ended up with the worst case of food poisoning ever, so felt crap anyway and was in no position to boost mum along. My advice would be to live Christmas through your dd. It's such a magical time for kids, and so if you kind of force yourself to enjoy it, a little bit rubs off on you. And make sure you never stop talking about the good times with your dad. It does get easier, promise x

thanks for the replys xxxx dd is not yet 2 years . we are spending xmas at mums , to be honest i wouldnt want to spend it anywhere else as thats where we have always held it and i do want to feel close to him as if hes there watching , but we are planning to change the things we do a bit. xx the worst thing is that i am only just starting to grieve properly and now its as though all the firsts are coming round at once! xxx

My Dad died 2 yrs ago on the 12 November.

Our first Xmas was pretty awful. We not only lost Dad just before Xmas but it was his birthday just before Xmas too.

You have no option other than having to face it for the sake of your dd. I've got two dds and tbh if it hadn't have been for them I would have hidden myself away.

That first Xmas without Dad was as hard as when he died and with him having died just a few weeks before Xmas it was all still so raw and I didn't cope at all well but you have to. You will find that strength to carry on and get through it. You're right - you don't feel Christmasy at all - I didn't and tbh I was glad when Xmas was over and done with and to go into a New Year and a fresh start.

I had to keep telling myself that my Dad wouldn't have wanted me miserable especially for the dds and would be telling me to keep going for their sake and make it a Christmas for them to enjoy.

Bloody hard when all you want to do is crawl away and hibernate until the Spring!

A lot of people told me 'time is a healer' etc etc and I used to dismiss this and think I'll never get over losing my Dad and how much I missed him etc. Time is a healer although it does take a long long time to get over losing someone you loved so dearly and miss so much. Here I am, almost 2yrs have gone by, and I still miss him as much as the day he died (he died suddenly - we had no idea he was ill and nor did he, we think) but it does get better, it just takes time. xxxxx

You will experience a lot of 'firsts'.... your first Xmas card to your 'Mum' and not 'Mum and Dad', receiving a birthday card from just 'Mum'. Father's Day was hard for me too although I still put a card on his grave with his favourite bar of chocolate.

My Dad died two months ago so feeling the same way. My DD is 20mths and my sister has two boys under 5 so we have to celebrate.

My first DH died 7 years ago and I found it comforting to go through all the usual rituals as I knew if I didn't I would only have to face them the following years. Sometimes the things we dread the most we prepare for and thus they aren't so bad, but the things we don't expect to be difficult can often be worse.

I always said 'I can't imagine losing my Dad' - I had him for almost 40yrs. To lose him the way we did was extremely hard - not just for me but for everyone. I saw him the day before he died and thought he looked off colour but he said he was ok. He died on his own at home the following day - Mum was at work. He'd been hit by a drunk driver just a few weeks before and he never really picked up after that.

Losing a parent is really hard mainly because you've had them in your life from day 1 and in my case I was close to my Dad and held huge respect for him.

There is light at the end of the tunnel - its just a long journey to get there but you will get there - you have to not only for your sake but that of your children, his Grandchildren. xx

Sorry MummyPud and all others in similar situation. That first year with all the special occasions without your loved one is the hardest in my experience. First birthday (theirs and yours), first Christmas, first wedding anniversary etc. My Dad died 5 weeks before Christmas, on my birthday. That first Christmas without him was incredibly hard and my birthday for several years. Still miss him 11 years on as he and Mum usually spent Christmas Day with us. I find it helpful to look back through old Christmas photos and talk about "the Christmas when Dad did x,y,z". Might be too soon for you, but if nothing else, it helps get the grief out. In the early years, I found a good cry privately in the morning enabled me to get on and enjoy the rest of the day with my family. I'd endorse everything the wise StressTeddy said.

it does help to know that otheres are going through or have been through the same thing. i always bought them a card with mum and dad on but this year will prob just get a normal card for mum as i know i will be in floods in the card shop choosing just a mum one. xx i dont know what i would of done without my ddd . she is what gets me through but the last week especialy i have felt very emotional and up and down from one hour to the next . shes far to young to understand why everyone keeps crying .i excpected to feel awful of course as its so recent but every day i think i feel worse.x i will be putting a card on his grave for his birthday in a couple of weeks .x

i mean that i felt alone so it helps to know im not. i didnt mean that im glad otheres are going through this sorry .xxx

I still cry. Normally when I see a photo of him or something he'd written on a piece of paper. I cry when I go to Mum's and see where he was lying on the floor by the phone (he'd obviously tried to get help). I cry when I go to his grave and see his name on the headstone. I cry when I remember all the good memories - the funny moments - I'm crying now. Then I get angry when I see the 19yr old who hit my Dad. I get angry that he's still driving around (he was only banned for 12mths) like a complete idiot.

You have to let yourself grieve. You have to let those tears flow. If you don't you make life harder for yourself.

malo . thats awful . sending hugs your way . crying this end 2.xx i do the same cry when i see anything he wrote . x

Think of the New Year as a 'New Year'...a fresh start. I don't mean you forget about your Dad but personally I was glad to be able to say 'My Dad died last year' - somehow it made it easier to deal with and cope with the huge void he left in my life.

mummypud, cry when you need to. 3 months is hardly any time at all. It will get easier, but early days for you. It might well help to know others are in the situation, and hopefully talking on here will help you a bit. But no-one can take the pain away for you, unfortunately. It's something which will get easier over time, which is little comfort at the moment, I know.

Yea losing Dad the way we did was awful. Yet he told me he forgave the lad for hitting him - Dad was driving too and they collided on a bend - the lad drove off and left Dad. He was later arrested and charged with being 3 times over the limit and high on E's.

I told Dad not to forgive the boy because he 'could've killed you' - little did I realise that a few weeks later he did.

Dad suddenly went downhill and never really recovered. He was a very fit and active bloke up until then - and had never had a car accident in his life. The shock was too much for him.

I still miss him so much though. I had to identify him at home for the Polie which was hard because the paramedics had tried so hard to bring him back and he was in a bit of pickle but I remember looking down and seeing his shoes were sparkling clean and that he had put a shirt and tie on. I can still see his eyes glaring up at the ceiling - he had beautiful blue eyes. I told him there and then how much I love him and I tidied his hair up for him too. I've never seen a dead body before and for him to be the first one was just awful.

I'd not kissed my Dad for so many years - he wasn't that sort of guy but I kissed him when he was lying dead on the floor and I hate myself for not having kissed him whilst he was still alive and for telling him how much I loved him.

Sorry - I'm rambling on - I've got tears running down my face - I need to go and tidy up before dd2 makes her way up the stairs and starts asking questions!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

i agree it will be good to start a fresh new year . but the longer it gets from when he died it also gets a longer time from when i last saw him and thats a horrid feeling. i think i did my initial grieving in stages , trying to stay strong for everyone else as i felt i couldnt fall apart for my dd sake but i dont think it was the best thing to do as i feel swamped by it all now but probably that s due to xmas etc .

malo . truly sorry for your loss and although losing a parent under any circumstances is awful we at least had time to come to term with things as he was ill. i made sure i told him all i wanted to say to him during his last days but like you i wish i had done it more during the last 28 years xx

mummypud - try as hard as you can to enjoy Christmas - it did feel an empty time for me that first Xmas and extremely sad but you do have to live through it and you will come out the other side, iykwim!

You're probably feeling quite low at the moment because you've had to stay strong in the few weeks he's been gone, for the sake of everyone else and now we're heading towards Xmas you're probably feeling a bit lost. I think the key is to stay busy - keep yourself occupied and if you want a cry then have a cry - don't bottle it up and keep in touch with everyone on here - I did and it was such a help to have people on MN who were there for me and helped me so much. xxxx

sorry for your loss. no advice , mum died in may - so maybe just a little sympathy with your situation xxx

again many thanks for all your replys , think i have needed a good cry. monkeymonkeymoomoo sorry about your loss , my heart gos out to you my dd is about the same age as yours and i want the day to be special for her. we are going to do our best to do some of the things as we know dad would want us to but so many things we did are very associated with him and i think it will just be too hard but maybe on the day we will feel different.xx

My youngest dd was almost 2yrs old when my Dad died. If it hadn't have been for her and my eldest dd (who was 7 at the time) I'd have been a nightmare to live with. My youngest dd is now almost 4yrs old and each time I ask her where Grandad is she tells me 'he's with the flowers' - ie in the very pretty graveyard with some lovely flowers on his grave and she also waves to Grandad in the sky every night before going to bed - waving at 'Grandad's star' although she does this in private and doesn't like anyone watching her do it - I guess its her little bit towards remembering Grandad. xx

thats sweet malo. my dd blows her grandad a kiss when we go to his grave . when he first died she was v upset as he had been upstairs and she wondered why he was not there any more . she would go and look for him . when shes older i will tell her all about him as sadly at her age i think she will forget any memories of him.xx

this is our first christmas without my mum. although she was in a nursing home for last couple of christmases. miss her terribly so know how you feel.