[quote LadyInParis]@LookingForSalt
Thank you, I don’t know what to say! You seem so very insightful, kind, and lovely, and I appreciate your posts a lot. Thank you 🙏 And you’re very right- it’s like on one hand from a logic view, the reasons are clear. But from a child view- not so much at all. It has damaged my life in ways that I cannot put into words. Confusion, guilt, feeling not even good enough for a parent, seeing how good a person and mother she was when she was well versus what she did and had us see as children (incredible violence from her husband) and so on. It’s very hard to balance the scales and very traumatic to say the least even 20 years on. And you would think that given she’s been dead longer than I knew her alive, that it would get easier. But it doesn’t. You’re left with so much more because of the length of time. I still want my mum. I still cry out for a mummy. It’s awful. This is why I say that the emotional radioactive blast so to speak of suicide is absolutely HUGE so those saying this and that to the op that it isn’t her business etc have no idea of the effects. Either that or they have somehow disassociated from their own experience- which is very easy to do.[/quote]
It's very generous of you to share your achingly sad story. I'm sure there are people reading who you have helped.
I am not at all surprised that it doesn't feel any easier for you now than it did at the time, I am sure you still feel intense pain and loss. You lost your mum, which hurts like hell at any age, in a terrible way and at an age when you were very vulnerable.
It is extremely sad that you haven't had supportive family to assure you that you were in no way responsible for your mother's illness just as you wouldn't be if she had died of a physical illness. Your mother was extremely sick, it was in no way your fault, both she and you deserved much better care, and you deserve a good life.