Cutting people off

[Cloe78]

I lost a parent recently and am coping the best I can. Which doesn't meet the approval of some people who are not happy that I'm not following the advice they are freely dishing out. I have always been a private person and deal with things in my own way and people can take me or leave me tbh. I'm glad some people feel that all I 'need' is a group zoom call or to throw myself into a new hobby to make myself feel better- I don't actually want to feel better at the moment; I have lost someone I loved to the moon and back and owe it to them and to myself to grieve properly and in my own time.

I have discovered that I have a small group of people I can really class as friends. They have been my rocks and been there as and when I've needed them and not taken it personally when I haven't. These are the people I want to surround myself with moving forward. Question is- am I being mean and ungrateful to ghost the others? By this I mean the people who just don't listen when I say I need space; the people who are convinced they know how I should be behaving and the people that tell me it's a couple of months and it's time to move on as he wouldn't want me to be sad... I just need some space from these people for, like, forever!

If you have told them what you do or do not want, then it is fine to ghost them.

Pestering people at times like this is really silly.

They’ll get the message…

If it helps OP, I just silently nod at these people now - because they mostly simply have no idea what it is like for you, until such time as they have to live through and experience the same thing for themselves.

I am trying to support someone similarly myself, but struggle with it, despite also being in the same situation myself. I think the best thing anyone can do is just to be there for you and be a good listener, rather than trying to push solutions on you.

It's always annoying when people give advice and it becomes an ego thing rather than what helps the person. I've had to tell people "I'm not going to follow your shit advice purely to please you" before and its awkward.

Grieving can rake some time and you should do what you need and focus on what really helps.

Oh I'm afraid death always brings the crazy (and tone-deaf) out of the woodwork. (It was a bit of a shock to me when my FiL died, decades ago, and I was first confronted with it. When my parents died - within the last 18 months - I was used to it). There is often no malice. Still doesn't make it any easier to deal with though!

Nothing wrong with stepping back from certain people if you find their behaviour unhelpful. When Mum died I knew certain relatives would just open their mouths and stuff their feet right in, so I deputised my OH to deal with them.
Otherwise, if in doubt I deployed a stony (sorry, grief stricken) silence.

I have almost no tolerance for most people now. Grief has entirely re-shaped my experience of life. I can't bear anyone who lies or lacks empathy and self awareness. You have people you trust and take care of you and listen to you. No need to spend energy on people who don't do any of these things.

@Cloe78 I lost my Dad a couple of years ago - and it was a catalyst for me to stop pursuing certain friendships, or to stop answering the phone. I don’t really consider those friendships as over, although they don’t really contact me anymore. But, like you - I needed space. There are certain people who ‘get me’ - and I want them around. The others - it’s a pretence, and a waste of energy. I can cope with them in very small doses only.

it's not mean, it's honest.
you are being true to yourself.
if they were to ask you why you cut them off, say imagine many years hence, you could honestly say, because i found your input unhelpful, and it actually made getting through that terrible time even more difficult.
if we see a deep ditch on the way, why choose to wade through it and have to clamber out the other side, weighed down with mud and bedraggled. we would tell anyone, walk around it. avoid it.
look after yourself OP. all the best. do anything you can that helps you to keep going.