friends lost baby two weeks before due...how do we comfort them

[queenrollo]

two very dear friends today lost their baby two weeks before due date. no heartbeat found when they arrived at hospital and they induced her this afternoon.
i am numb with grief.......i don't know where to begin to comfort them. we still haven't heard anymore than the the call we received earlier to tell us........
all i can think is to tell them we are here if they need us, but can anyone offer advice on how to approach this.

if the are not taking calls, send food, send a card, and let them know you are there for them.. let them know about SANDS

it is such a tragic thing to happen, that some people ignore it, in the hope they won;t upset the bereaved parents.. ask if they had a name and maybe refer to the baby by name, let them talk if they want.. just make yourself available.

devastating. absolutely awful

There may be some info on the SANDS website about this. So sorry for your friends. Be there for them now and in years to come, don't be afraid to remember their lost baby.

No advice or experience, thank God, but how completely devastating for them.

My thoughts are with them

Something else - do they have other children? If they do, you could look after them for short periods of time to give the children some sense of normality at this time and the parents some time by themselves.

it is heartbreaking, isnt it
the same happened to a lovely friend earlier this year
some mnetters told me about SANDS too
thought it may be useful to share this site with you too. It may be very difficult for them, and you, to look at now but one day it might help. My friend wrote a heartwrenching tribute on there to her baby daughter.
thinking of them and of you

and while you'll know your friends and their likely reactions best so this may not be relevant, what really helped my friend was when people openly talked about it rather than avoid it. SHe wanted her baby to be acknowledged rather than have people look away with embarassment because they didnt know what to say. So do talk with them about it, it may help, and if they dont want to yet, then at least you know.

Please contact them, if nothing more than to send a text. I had a m/c which wasn't acknowledged by some of my friends who later admitted to having not known how to deal with the situation.

I feel incredibly hurt and let down and it has really made me question my friendships with these people, which was just another thing to deal with

What a terrible thing to happen, feel awful for them, offer them some practical support, take them some cooked meals or something, they prob won't feel like doing much of anything, I'm so sorry to read this and sorry that you have to go through this with them.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, I had people who avoided me, sent cards or whatever, but avoided speaking to me. Your friend can always say if she is not up to talking, or ignore the phone or whatever but it's terribly lonely if people don't feel they can speak to you.

Remember the due date and the date they lost the baby as well, and next year a nice phone call or something on those dates will be appreciated - she will be thinking of her baby and will be upset those days and people remembering anniversaries will help a lot.

this baby was a 'surprise' which they both were shocked about at first, and became increasingly excited about. she is older and her daughter(from previous relationship) is expecting next year..... so a comfort to her i'm sure at such a sad time but so very hard to deal with too i should imagine.
i'm very much the sort of person to talk openly with friends about their loss if it is how they want to deal with it. been there for many friends when others didn't know how to deal with it......but never the loss of a small child (only the loss of adult children)

this just seems so cruel when they were so close to due date......

It's very cruel, I can't think of anything else to say, sometimes when someone mc you can think, it wasn't meant to be or maybe something was wrong with baby and they wouldn't have survived anyway but this is different probably placenta failure or maybe cord round neck or whatever, I would say, go with what you're good at, your friends will want to talk it out, at some point, maybe not right now, but at some point and they'll know that you will be there for them. I would think that most people wouldn't want to talk it out so it's good for them that you're there.

it was placental failure.....they had a daughter.

Your friend is going to be emotionally and physically exhausted, after hearing the news and going through labour I expect it only really hit her when her daughter was born, up until that time you sort of expect a miracle and hope that your baby/babies are ok (despite what the doctors say). I lived for the minute when I thought I would hear them cry. I cant describe the feeling of walking out of a postnatal ward where you are surrounded by the sound of babies, with empty arms.

For me I didnt really accept it until the funeral a few weeks later during which time i didn't eat, sleep or speak to anyone. What i did find helpful were Sands, they are amazing if you could ring up and explain they will send lots of helpful information, leaflets etc that which your friend will find useful just leave the information in an envelope. She will find comfort from them and also at a later stage she may feel ready to talk to a befriender, who has experienced the samething and will visit her at home and sit and talk to her. For me to talk to someone who actually understood how I felt made all the difference.

I found phonecalls an irritation to be honest, but please ring as although she may not talk to you, through the numbness its nice to know someone cares. I found that cards or letters from friends were good as I could read them in my own time. One thing you could do is get her a special candle, I lit two each day at the time of birth, it made me feel better, although it may not work for her but many mothers tend to do this for their lost beans.

Please remember the due date (as well as the birthday) she will feel especially low at this point and if you could get a pink teddy (I felt more appropriate for a baby than/as well as flowers) for the day of the funeral, I think she would be very touched.

Please
1)do not say you can have another baby, you could try again or least you have a child already.
2)do not try and get her talk before she is ready
3)do not forget her husband as he will be trying to be strong but will obviously be a wreck also.
4)If she wants to talk about her daughter encourage her, ask if you could see the photos, hand/footprints if she wouldnt mind. Oh I just thought perhaps a lovely picture frame would be a thoughtful gift.

Anyway hope this helps, my heart goes out to your friends.

many thanks for that.......my ex is dealing with funeral arrangements for them as far as he is able...i haven't spoken to them yet as my ex says they aren't ready. he will let me know when they are......

How truly sad

I had a stillbirth nearly 12 years ago, and coincidentally I just posted on another thread about experiences on the labour ward when having my other 2 children, so this morning is turning into a real return to the past.

When I lost my daughter (42 weeks - no heartbeat) the best thing that my friends and family did was to be open it. No-one avoided us or the subject, people were horrified and some friends wept with us over it. It meant a huge amount to me that her death had touched other people too; that other people cared enough to shed tears. It may help your friends to know how upset you feel for them; I also remember a couple of long boozy lunches when very close friends came over with food for us, and we were able to be completely ourselves with them. It was a reminder that life goes on, without anyone tactlessly telling us that..

We had a huge amount of cards and flowers, even from people who only knew us slightly. I was so grateful. I often used to read over the things we had received in the months after her birth.

In the months after the birth, it was quite isolating, cos my best friends at the time had been made through my NCT group, so of course had all had their babies around the same time my dd was born. As a good friend you can carry on being around for them after the immediate shock has passed, and don't expect them to be 'over' it within a couple of months..

Talking about the birth itself was something I needed to do, in a way I was trying to 'validate' her existence I think.. Just like many other people who have a traumatic birth experience, I wanted to tell others about it, and share all the details. I know my (now ex) dh found that aspect of my grieving very hard to bear; he needed to shut it out cos the trauma was too much for him. As their friend it's important to remember that they might grieve differently and so what one wants or needs to do may not suit the other.

I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through this awful experience..