My friend has died and it's making me reevaluate everything.

[loveislouderthanwar]

My friend died aged 41 suddenly on Saturday. Obviously due to lockdowns etc I haven't seen her much recently, although we talked several times a day via texts etc.

It was totally unexpected and she sadly leaves a young family.

Her death is making me reevaluate my life. I don't know whether I'm happy anymore-do I really want to do the phd course I've just started? I'm bored to tears! Do I really want to live in my house? Do I want to just plod along for the rest of my life or do I want something else? My brain feels like it's going to explode and my heart is truly broken.

I'm not sure what my goal is with this post-I just wanted to get stuff out! Thanks for reading.

Sorry for your loss. I think your feelings are natural, and there is nothing wrong with re-evaluating. All I would advise is not to make any major decisions too suddenly. I think a lot of people (me included) look back on decisions made soon after bereavement and realise that they were more about having a distraction from the grief than what we really wanted long-term. Give yourself some time

sorry for your loss

Give yourself time to grieve and your feelings to settle a little before you make any big decisions.

I think it is natural to feel the way you do. Some of it will be shock, but also realising very painfully that life is not eternal and we can not waste it being dissatisfied and unhappy.

So sorry op she was much too young.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think bereavement does make us reassess our own lives. It's a reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Do what will make you happy❤️

I feel you and I am so terribly sorry for such a shocking and tragic loss. It shakes the bugs out, doesn't it?
It really drives home the point that no dawn is promised, yet each one delivers renewed hope. It is hard to be in that frame of mind, especially in lockdown winter and all the rest. It is hard to dig deep to find peace when life around you is anything but peaceful. And grief, what a beast it is. Such an unwanted guest that leaves only when it is ready to. Yet even in grief, there's the eye of the storm, that glorious calm that pops up in between all the noise and mayhem to remind us that the meaning of life may never be understood, there may not even be a meaning of life, but your life and your time here has an infinite amount of meaning, all of it bolstered by great love. And your friend would want you to know this, above all. Love is what we live for. It is all. You mourn because you love. You feel bored and desperate and lost at sea because you know the taste of life at its best. You know what it is like to live out life's great blessings. And you know that life, no matter how shitty it gets, is something worth fighting for when the going gets tough.
It's a reflective time for you. A broken time. You're sort of in the trenches emotionally. Allow yourself to get a little Zen about it and be there, in the trenches and let the grief move through you. Ask the questions. The answers will come. But it is hard to find your temple of peace when everything is covered in layers of darkness and chaos. And life is hard right now. We may not be in a civil war or on death's door. But with covid and lockdown living, we are indeed surrounded by death. There's a virus out there and we've been locked away from life as we used to know it because of this virus. And that does things to a person. Add a bereavement to that mix...
So, OP, take time to allow yourself to shake a fist at the sky and hate this life at the moment. Hate what it takes. Love what it gives. Grief is awful, but also transformative and beautiful because it comes from a place of love, a place where your friend will always live. You will always find her there, alive in your love for her.

@TheVanguardSix what a beautiful post xx
Op I’m so sorry that you have lost your friend x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My DH and I are in the same position - a friend of ours who we have been friends with since university (so near as dammit 20 years) and we still "see" (virtually now, in person before) every week died on Friday morning out of the blue. He was 37.

I'm still at the "cry if I stop and think about it for more than 30 secs" stage. We're doing the same things in terms of reevaluating, albeit on a smaller scale than you are. DD is a toddler and I am overweight (a lot overweight if I'm honest) and have been my whole adult life. This has made me realise that I really need to do something about it. I want to be healthy for me and for her. Unfortunately wine and chocolate are my go-to stress responses so this week has not exactly been moving in the right direction. I'm hoping that in a short while when I'm not crying multiple times a day or waking at 4am unable to go back to sleep that I can move forward with things.

Give yourself time - by all means use this to generate some momentum for things you want to improve but don't make rash, difficult to undo decisions while you are grieving.

TheVanguardSix that's a lovely post - thank you.

I know how just how that feels. My best friend died at 41 in a car accident leaving 2 small children. Just out of the blue your whole life feels pointless.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost a friend with a young family of a similar age recently. It does make you think and I know my friend would want everyone to carry on living and there is good to be had from working toward goals and of remembering your friends life.

I too am heartbroken. We lit candles. I sometimes wake up and think no how can this be. The funeral is soon.

@caringcarer

@SquigglePigs

I think it's also so much harder when it's sudden. @loveislouderthanwar

@TheVanguardSix - I lost my DH 3 weeks ago, your post is beautiful

I'm so very sorry for your loss, *loveislouderthanwar, so much exacerbated by distance and its sudden nature. It's bound to make you, as my dear dead dad used to say, think on.

The standard advice to widow/ers is no big decisions for six months, even better, a year.

As a widow I can vouch for this.

@loveislouderthanwar so sorry for the loss of your friend.

My best friend died in 2016 and frankly it was life changing. We, as couples, vacationed together, spent every holiday and one weekend evening together - they were our main social circle. When she died, it all ground to a horrid halt.

I definitely looked at the future with different eyes, and at monents, felt that it was pointless going on (!), not in a suicidal way, but quite matter of fact. That has passed, but life is so much less now in some ways, but no point in dwelling on what cannot be changed.

Wait a while before you make any big decisions. It will be clearer once the worst of the grief has integrated itself into the part of you where it will live.

I’m very sorry for your loss.
My DHs best friend died nearly 2 years ago now very unexpectedly in his 30s and it made us reevaluate things and we’ve got a different approach to life now and have made different choices to what we would have done otherwise. In the main we’re less cautious and despite the pandemic taking advantage of life more.
I wouldn’t make any big decisions at the moment but keep thinking about these things.

VanguardSix that is so so beautiful.
Life is short and so so precious. I lost a beloved sister 10 years ago. I live as best as I can for her, I wake and soak the sun (or the clouds) because of her, I take deep breaths and stretch because I can for her.

sofarsogreat,

I definitely looked at the future with different eyes, and at moments, felt that it was pointless going on (!), not in a suicidal way, but quite matter of fact.

That describes exactly how I felt. I had to positively look for reasons to continue and then over time it did become easier but still loss is huge. Their partner moved away to be close to their own parents to get support with bringing up their children and I often wonder how they are. I have sort of lost touch.

Thank you all so much for replying and for giving me hope and different ways of coping, I really appreciate it.

I'm so sorry that you have all experienced loss like this. It tears you up inside. I'm a shell and can't concrete on anything. X

@vanguardsix such a beautiful post. I lost my beautiful mum almost 4 weeks ago and my Dad 3 months ago.
My heart just hurts.
Sorry for everyone's losses.