Is there something wrong with me?

[gerbilfur]

My dad died on Friday after a long battle with alcoholism. He had no kidney or liver function at all at the time of his death and he was very aware of not being able to breathe properly at the end which I hate for him.

My brother saw him Friday morning and said he wasn't breathing well. On Friday afternoon I suddenly had the urge to go to him, when I got there he'd passed 10 mins earlier. I won't go into detail but he did not look at peace.

We were not close. His alcoholism had made him sometimes unbearable over the years. Many of my adult years were spent actively avoiding him as he was quite violent when I was a child and I found this difficult to forgive. However in his last year when his health had become so bad I'd spent quite a bit of time with him- dressing his leg ulcers, sitting with him watching Netflix to keep him company.

Since he died I've only cried once. But every time I close my eyes I see his dead face. I'm so sleepy. All I want to do is be in bed. I'm also really irritable and snappy with my family which I hate and I don't know why I'm acting this way.

I would normally have gone to spend time with my siblings after an event like this but lockdown keeps us apart.

Am I normal? I feel like I'm not,

You are normal given your circumstances. The seeing his face is guilt or anger. If it’s guilt , remember you shouldn’t hold any. Sounds like he treated you horribly yet you still cared for him in his last years. If it’s anger then it’s valid but very hard to get that closure. Just because you can’t physically be with your siblings doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to them for support.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think this is all normal, and the extra difficulties you've had are making it extra hard.

Losing a parent is one of life's real hurdles.. I've lost both of mine and it's so hard.

Be gentle with yourself and I hope someone is looking after you.

It must be so hard to have that last image of him in your head, it must have been a shock to see him like that but it will fade.
DH just lost his patent and can’t cry, he’s just numb, but is also irritable and snappy. I think it’s partly the shock. Give yourself time, speak to your siblings, talk about your dad to friends and family. It’s good that your relationship had been closer in his last year, he must have loved having you keeping him company watching Netflix and caring for him. There is no ‘normal’ way to grieve, everyone reacts differently. I’m sorry for your loss

It doesn't sound odd to me. You've been through a lot, and that affects the way the brain works, processes memories and emotion ("The body keeps the score" is a great book about the science of all of this which I recommend to everyone).

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Be very kind to yourself, as though you're recovering from 'flu. Thoughts and emotions come from real physical processes in our body, so having physical knock on effects from bereavement is to be expected.