Health anxiety about cancer after bereavement

[Sapphire387]

Hi all,

I lost my husband in 2015, to an aggressive brain tumour. Our children were four and two at the time - now ten and almost eight.

Since then, I have been plagued by health anxiety- periodically convinced that I have cancer. Been to the doctor for countless checks including referrals - nothing cancerous ever found. I'm anxious at the moment and have been checked out by two doctors but still terrified. It's like no health issue can ever be minor - I'm always convinced I will die and leave my children parentless.

I seem to be clinging on to him somehow. Perhaps some kind of unresolved grief/trauma/PTSD.

I would be grateful to know if anyone has experienced anything similar, and how you manage with it or whether you have found any peace.

TIA, and sending much love to anyone who is going through the pain of bereavement

I'm so sorry for your and your childrens loss, that sounds an understandable worry. I'm not sure I have any answers but grief has different phases.

I was looking up support as my friend has lost her husband to cancer and has a small child and came across this which I found helpful in explaining this messy thing of grief:

www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/advice/coping-with-grief-and-loss/

I hope you don't mind me asking but do you have any advice on how I can be supportive? Was there things that helped or didn't help?

Hi @Pizzafortwo - thank you, and I am sorry to hear that your friend has lost her husband to cancer too. How recently did this happen? I am presuming he died recently?

Things that helped me:

Being allowed to talk freely. People sharing memories of him. Practical help, especially with things like meals. Going for walks. People looking after the kids for a time so I could break- I know this is harder with covid but your friend is in an extreme situation in terms of mental health, and depending on whether she has family support, it is something to consider. Texts from people with no pressure to reply, just saying they were thinking of me.

Not helpful:

People saying everything happens for a reason. People saying times heals everything. People saying it was all part of God's plan. Not suggesting you would do any of these things!! But of course we all try to make sense of such a deep loss, and it felt to me like there just was no sense in it.

Hi @Sapphire387

So sorry for your loss, I wanted to reply as I also went through something similar when my Dad died of cancer. The circumstances are slightly different but I did go through a period of major health anxiety (amongst other things) in my 20s. I was convinced I had all different types of cancer over a few years and constantly went to the Drs and asked for tests. I was fine physically, but really struggling psychologically so referred myself for some counselling.

It gave me the chance to talk about my Dad and why I was feeling this way. It also enabled me to speak to loved ones about what I was going through. It was only through this process that I started to move away from the health anxiety. It is understandable you fear leaving your children as you have suffered such a great loss yourself, and the anxiety is a way of processing the trauma. It's so very hard but with the support of others will get easier.

I do worry about cancer and underlying health issues now, but much less and in different ways than I used to. For example, when pregnant with DC1 I was a wreck because I had no idea how well or not she was for that whole 9 months!

Anyway, I hope this isn't too waffly and is helpful in someway. I just want to say you are not alone, and if you want to chat or ask anything I'm here :)

Hi @Kittens97 thank you for your kind reply. I'm sorry you lost your dad to this horrible illness.

It's reassuring to know that I am not alone in reacting like this. The things I imagine in my head are terrifying.

Can I ask what sort of counselling you had and how long for? I had CBT for health anxiety but tbh I think I need to talk it through rather than just find coping mechanisms, which is what my CBT seemed to be about...

I'm sorry about your DH OP, and to hear how you're feeling.

I have no advice but just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling like this. Due to various childhood factors that I won't bore you with I've lived with health anxiety for as long as I remember. Since I had my children it's developed into an obsession with all 'symptoms' leading to cancer and that I'll leave my children without a mum. Some days it feels all consuming. The only help I've been offered from GP was a flyer for an anti stress course at a local arts and crafts group. Keen to hear what's worked for others. Hopefully you will find something to help soon. X

Op I think health anxiety for young widows is quite common. I lost my DH in 2016 and was very anxious for a while, especially as I had heart symptoms, literally a broken heart. My youngest was 13. What helped was putting in place everything to prepare for the possible worst. In my case sorting out critical illness and life insurance. Putting my papers in order. Also focusing on health and getting into healthier habits. A healthy diet is also proven to be more effective for depression than meds or counselling - so I'd think it would help anxiety too. Meditation helps too - I use the headspace app. If I let those good habits slide I know I will sink. It's a constant discipline but it has helped a lot.

@Sapphire387

To be honest I've tried all sorts over the years including CBT but the best thing for me was a long-term integrative approach looking at how things in the past shape my behaviour and feelings in the present, and developing coping mechanisms to try and avoid going with the anxious thoughts.

Just being able to vent freely was incredible too, but it's been a long, hard process and has to be with someone you really feel comfortable with. Definitely worth it though :)

@MrsMyreton thank you - I'm sorry to hear your GP hasn't been more helpful. Also sorry to hear you are going through this too, it's really scary and draining isn't it? I just wish I could get back to the carefree person I was but it is difficult to accept I have changed. Having children is such an overwhelming responsibility - I can see how that would trigger anxiety and fear for you in terms of leaving them. I feel the same.

@sessell thank you - you are right. I can only do whatever I can do - there is no such thing as complete control. I will do as you suggested and try to focus more on the things that are within my control.

Thanks @Kittens97 - may I ask how long you had therapy for, or is it ongoing? Did you get it via the NHS or have to go private?

Yes, I've had this too. My DH died in mid September 2020, and I have had any number of health anxieties since. It is complicated by the fact that I had what the doctors assumed was covid in March, the after-effects of which lasted for many months, but which I largely ignored as I was coping first with DH having first fainted and broken his leg and then almost instantly receiving his terminal diagnosis. This was followed by very difficult degenerating illness (he had secondary lymphoma in his brain), then death.

The extraordinary stress of his illness and death produced all sorts of health ill effects in me. In the five months since he died I have been very anxious about possible breast cancer (painful underarm; no lump found), heart issues (raised blood pressure, but almost certainly an inaccurate monitor), diabetes, lung issues (I'm asthmatic), etc. Every headache felt like a potential brain tumour. The brain fog of bereavement felt like early-onset dementia. And then there's covid, of course.

I was working with a bereavement counsellor for some months, and she advised me early on that I was very likely to develop health anxieties given DH's illness and death, but that the stress could also make me more unwell and that I should not hesitate to discuss any symptoms with my GP. The doctors did seem to be aware of the possibilities of both increased anxiety and increased ill health following bereavement - both the GP and the asthma nurse called me spontaneously several times to check up on me.

The blood-pressure worries were last week, and as well as ordering a new monitor, I decided to take things into my own hands and start seriously improving my health. I've cut out all snacks, alcohol, puddings, etc, and am spending much more time walking. I already feel a great deal better. I've also been doing a lot of crafting, which helps.

I suffered with health anxiety a lot as a teen and young adult, but it had much improved once I became a mother. It is strange to be back there - for me, it is both the absolute knowledge that death can happen to me quite easily, and the fact that I am now all that my son has.

@shroedingerskitty I've just revisited this post and read your message. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be widowed during this Covid crisis. I also had the brain fog, thankfully it disappeared after a while! Good to see that you are taking things into your own hands re diet and fitness and that that is helping. It's still early days so be gentle on yourself and take things one day at a time.

That should be flowers not booze! And it should be @shrodingerskitty

I’ve experienced the same. My DH died of cancer nearly 20 years ago and I’ve suffered health anxiety for me and my children ever since, it’s very hard.

My husband’s father died 30 years ago and like you he suffers health anxiety thinking every minor thing is cancer. I have been trying to talk him into getting help.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I have not been bereaved by cancer yet but a close relative is currently terminal and I am stage 4 "living with cancer" myself.
I veer between thinking every new twinge/headache/dizzy spell is an advancement of my disease and that I'm grand and shouldn't be a drama queen.
I just wanted to say though that it is ok to be anxious.
When you have experienced the random cruelty of something like cancer it brings home that life can be unpredictable and unfair.
Do seek counselling if you can, time and access/ money permitting.
For me just having someone acknowledge my fears are actually quite rational is very helpful.