Grief in a child

[bobbydazzler22]

Hi! My 8 year old daughter has unexpectedly lost a very key person in her life (suicide but she doesn't know this obviously) she was told last weekend and had superficially appeared to be fine... shrugged it off really. Willing to talk about it but changes the subject quickly. When first told she said she was sad but it appeared more like she was acting sad because it was expected if you see what I mean. I just wanted to check in and see if this is fairly typical and what might the grieving process look like in a child of this age?
Thanks for your help.

Oh bless her, my hear goes out to her and also to you. Sorry for your loss. She does sound as if she is trying to process it in her own way. I lost my nana when I was 6 and my mum told me that I went through different stages (although I don't remember it like this exactly as I was only young and it's over 30 years now but I do remember feeling very sad). She said one day I'd be in denial, not want to discuss it, the next day tearful and angry that she wasn't there anymore, then wanting to ask lots of questions.

*my heart goes out to her

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know no two children will be the same I suppose deep down I was expecting immediate tears and very obvious grief but it's not always like that is it?

In the nicest possible way, she doesn't quite realise what it means to no longer have that person in her life. When we grieve were grieving for lost tomorrows often aren't we. She isn't old enough to think that far ahead. She's loved and secure in the moment so it won't mean so much to her right now.
Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK will help you help her process it and respond to her when she starts to notice her loss.
I'm sorry for her loss and yours.

Hi, I'm so sorry for your/your DD's loss . What a terrible thing to be dealing with.

I'm no expert but have dealt with similar in the past - I think the thing to remember is that there is really no such thing as a 'normal' response to bereavement in a child, or rather almost any response is 'normal'. Children really have a hard time processing the finality of death and often seem quite matter of fact about it and unbothered at first, even if it was someone very much loved. Certainly I would say an 'adult' response of lots of tears and obvious, overwhelming sadness is less usual - that requires not only understanding of the fact of the death but also the emotional maturity to display and work through those emotions in the way we are taught to deal with/show sadness and most children, even young teenagers, really haven't developed that yet.

I think you'll likely find that a bit further down the line she'll have a lot more questions for you and also her grief will start to manifest more as she actually experiences life without the loved one and starts to process what's happened. Again don't be taken aback if this comes out in unexpected ways, things like anger, 'naughtiness', attention seeking or clinginess, impulsive behaviour, separation anxiety, general anxiety, regression to behaving like a much younger child (even things like bed wetting) are pretty common in bereaved children and are signs of grief, but can start weeks or even months after the actual event. It's a bit of a pity because everyone is usually really keen to show love and support to the bereaved child in the immediate aftermath, when they often seem to be coping fine, and then expect them to be 'over it' within a few weeks, once they are back at school etc and teachers, grandparents, carers etc can be a bit mystified when problems start occurring. But it can all be part of the process so I'd continue to show her lots of love and understanding, work with her teachers and other adults around her to ensure she gets the support she needs. I wouldn't push her to talk about her feelings and the lost person more than she wants to, but do keep dropping it in to conversation and letting her know that if she wants to talk to you or has questions she always can, she hasn't 'missed her chance' to talk about it - depending on your beliefs you can talk to her about what happens to people after they die, how we remember people that are gone, and again depending on your relationship with the person having pictures of them up in the house or available to your DD to look at and encouraging her to talk about her memories of them, draw pictures, write about them etc can be really helpful to help her grieve. Later down the line some bereavement counselling might be useful for her... Children are really resilient especially where they have a strong base of a parent who really loves and cares for them so please do be reassured she will be OK and get through this, look after yourself as well, you don't say what your relationship to the person was but if they were important to your DD they'll have been in some way in your life too, it must have been an awful shock and so do take your own time to process your own feelings too, even if those are mixed and complex in fact particularly so if that's the case.

Sorry to keep posting, but one practical tip I found really helped me - it's OK, and indeed a really good idea, to keep bereaved children in their 'normal' routine (as normal a routine as a child can have right now anyway), and to encourage them to keep doing whatever it is they enjoy doing, whether that's hobbies, talking to their friends, playing in the garden, whatever. This gives them a sense of security and helps them understand that although life has changed forever not everything is different and they can still be happy and content in the 'new' world...

When we had our bereavement I had a definite feeling that everything needed to stop, all normal activity was or should be out of the window and it was almost obscene to enjoy ourselves in any way, even small, when this terrible thing had happened, and the only appropriate response was to sit in a dimmed room crying or feeling sad. Obviously I knew this was totally wrong, I think I did inadvertently pass it on a bit to the children though, I remember one of them saying sadly 'I can't go to football now X is dead' - I think he'd had to miss one session for the funeral or similar and somehow got the idea he could never go back! So I made a huge huge effort to show them that of course they could still go to football or laugh at a funny film on telly or go to the park and run around shrieking with their friends, even if they felt sad or Mum felt sad, these were in fact good things to do, what X would have wanted them to be doing, and once the immediate disruption of the funeral etc was over nothing in their routine was going to change at all, they would still go to football on a Tuesday, ballet on a wednesday etc. I did find judicious use of the TV very very useful in the early days as it was soothing for them and me - nice familiar easy things at least at first, no scary films involving bereavement or orphans or anything like that, it's surprising how much of children's literature or programming involves the loss of a parent or other close loved one (I did a bit of vetting of 'new' films or programmes first)...

Thank you @maxelly and everybody else who took time to post, it's incredibly helpful.
I think reality will hit in the coming months when our family member is absent from events that he normally would have moved heaven and earth to attend. So I'll be keeping a close eye on her then. She is loved and secure and due to the circumstances will go back to school part time soon too, which I think could help.

Without being judgemental, what does she think happened if not suicide? She might be confused as to how someone just drops dead or what she is hearing behind closed doors do you think? My 9 year old sister just lost someone very key to her life to suicide. She knows it was suicide and understands they were poorly in their mind in the same way that her grandad had poorly bowels last year (when he died of cancer). She doesnt know what he did to kill himself but hasnt asked. She was upset for a few weeks but after that has been fine. I thought perhaps when you are so young 2 weeks seems like 2 months and so she is skipping ahead of us in the grieving process by quite a lot.

She has been at school part time through this lockdown due to circumstances and it has helped

@IndiaMay

Without being judgemental, what does she think happened if not suicide? She might be confused as to how someone just drops dead or what she is hearing behind closed doors do you think? My 9 year old sister just lost someone very key to her life to suicide. She knows it was suicide and understands they were poorly in their mind in the same way that her grandad had poorly bowels last year (when he died of cancer). She doesnt know what he did to kill himself but hasnt asked. She was upset for a few weeks but after that has been fine. I thought perhaps when you are so young 2 weeks seems like 2 months and so she is skipping ahead of us in the grieving process by quite a lot.

She's been told that he had an illness that nobody could see and eventually it made his heart stop beating.

We went with something that is not a lie but can be built in as and when she asks questions.

This might be helpful for you too. So sorry for your loss.
uksobs.org/we-can-help/services-for-under-18s/

www.winstonswish.org/explain-suicide-to-children/

You might find this helpful OP.
It goes through in some detail how to talk to child about someone who has taken their own life through suicide.

It is recommended that a simple version of the truth is told but the fact that they took their own life isn't avoided.

Kids don't have the sense of societal shame about death by suicide that can make it hard for adults to talk about it in the same way as other causes of death.

I am sorry for loss OP.

When DS's grandmother died when he was 8, he cried a bit and went about his day. You wouldn't know anything had happened based on his demeanor later that day. He had a lot more questions and worries later (weeks and months on), as it all started to really sink in.