My dad is dying

[Susiepants]

My lovely dad has been battling cancer for just a few months but in the past few weeks he has declined unbelievably and we've been told that he now just has a few weeks left. He is so poorly. It's breaking my heart to see him like this. I constantly feel sick and am struggling to eat or sleep. I keep thinking about what he must be feeling and how scared he must be.

He was so active and full of life. He's not even 60 yet. My poor ds is going to grow up without his grandad who played such a huge role in his life. I have told him his grandad is very poorly but I can't bear to have to have the death chat just yet. my mum is understandably in bits too. I just don't know how anything will ever be normal or happy again. I'm only in my mid thirties and all I keep thinking is that I have to go the rest of my life without my dad. I know that sounds selfish but I can't believe it's happening. Life is so fucking cruel and unfair.

My sympathies. It's really hard.
I've been through similar, but my dad was older, although still too young as he was very active too.

Each one of us will process it differently.
I tried to spend as much time I could with him, but now it's more difficult.

Maybe try to remember and preserve the good memories.

Also allow him to talk about what he's going through. I had a chat with my mum recently about this. Often people who are dying need to talk about it, about what will happen when they go, including to other people. He may be worried about your mum, and about you too. Discuss it frankly. Allow him to express his concerns.

I'm a similar age and lost my mum (60) three years ago. We had a very small window of a few months between diagnosis and the end. It was such a surreal time.

I think what you're feeling now, is natural. I had conversations with people even before my mum died as I was floored by the fact that any children I had wouldn't know her. My siblings kids were young and were told she was very unwell. They didn't attend hospital in the last few weeks as that was not the memory my siblings wanted them to remember their grandmother by.

The family hasn't been the same since. I think things inevitably change. People cope differently and at different paces, so the dynamic inevitably changes. I think I've got on with life well enough, but even now three years on, I have moments where I'm blindsided by the fact that my mum isn't around anymore. I don't think that ever goes.

I'd say don't feel guilty for any of the feelings you have. And take each day as it comes. It's never easy, but the less you're hard on yourself, the less things you'll have to feel bad about.

Sorry to hear you're both been through this. I am struggling to make sense of it myself so it's very hard to talk to my ddad or ds at the moment.

I just can't picture life without him and am incredibly worried about my mum who is going into high risk covid wards regularly to visit him. I know she has to given the circumstances but I'm terrified she will get ill too. I just cannot believe this is happening.

I think that's normal.
I only really cried a few days after my dad died.
Everything can feel unreal.

I'd just say to ride your feelings. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, disbelieving even, and also happy at times.
Remember to take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry. Nothing you've said is selfish. You're in a really horrible position.

I know how difficult it is to tell someone you care for that their beloved family member is dying. There is no easy way to do it. But it will be better for your son to hear it from you and not to feel it was hidden from him. Don't torment yourself about trying to find the perfect words because really there aren't any in a situation like this. Everyone is just doing their best.

I had to tell a child that their parent was dying. It was quite possibly one of the worst moments of my life - I won't lie to you because that's not fair on you either - but as painful as it was I'm glad I was the one to tell them and to be there with them.

It is ok to just sit and hug him and cry together. You don't have to try to pretend to be ok. Sending you strength

You have started grieving, that’s why you feel as you do.
Try to eat small and often, and be kind to yourself. There is no right and wrong way to feel, behave or act 💐

It's really tough OP. My DF died in 1987 when I was 30 and I still miss the opportunity to tell him things. I changed career not long after he died to something he was closely linked to and it saddens me that he never knew.

I had no one to grieve with - my dm hated him and my xh held a grudge that he'd never told him to call him by his Christian name.

Make sure you have time for your own grief, and don't have to put your grief aside to help your mum with her grief instead. You'll both have shared experiences of him, and each of you will have your own.

I've found over the years that it hurts less and less often, but when it does it hurts just as much. Sounds strange, I know. He missed so much of my life and, although he was 79 when he died, to me he wasn't old.

Hi susie how are you doing hows your dad? X just a little message to say I'm so sorry for what your going through and thinking of you