Am I cold hearted?I don't dwell on dfs passing.

[whatisforteamum]

Df was my first close death.I lost both dg s years ago and although I was dreading it having a young baby at the time gave me a positive focus and so it wasn't devastating.
3 years ago df was terminally ill and for months I watched his decline losing ability to do things and suffer repeatedly with hospital admissions. He had cancer and fought it hard but in the end he became depressed and wanted to die.All the while I wondered how I would cope without his support and constant presence in our lives.
I started a new job and threw myself into it only stopping to think on my days off.He was scattered so no headstone to visit.
Nothing. Gone.
Obviously it was much harder for dm.her companion was gone her life partner.She mention df her own df who died decades ago and her mil who died a decade ago who she didn't like.
I think my dsis s miss df too.I feel like I loved him and now he has gone.
Am I cold hearted to have accepted his death within the first year.?

Not cold hearted at all. When my Df died after suffering cancer all I felt was relief! Relief for him because I knew that he hated the indignity of it all and relief for me that I didn't have to watch him deteriorate and suffer anymore. Of course I miss him immensely but I accepted it straight away.

No need to label yourself as being cold hearted . Your Dad was very ill and his passing was a relief, to him and to you. I also accepted my Dad's passing with equanimity - he'd had a great life and he wanted to go. There is no reason to feel cold hearted because you can accept his loss and continue on with your life.

I think with a long illness, you also do a lot of your grieving while they are still alive. My grandma struggled with dementia for many years before her death, and there were very few remnants of herself left by the time she died. When she died, I was sad, but didn't grieve per se - I had already said goobye to her a long time ago really.

Thank you.We will meet again.Sorry for your loss.

Thank you starry night and the 78.

Grief hits or doesn't hit in different ways. I cried every day for months when my FiL died but lost both parents in the last year and a half and was bewildered to be, well, mainly OK. Frankly it still seems a bit odd to me but I have come to accept it.
So you're not alone. Hope that helps.

Not cold hearted at all and sometimes rhe impact can hit you a lot later. I was devastated when my brother died but he had been extremely ill for a long time and I felt relief more than anything else and didn't cry much. Fast forward 8 years and I had DS who was the image of DB. I wept uncontrollably on and off for days when he was a few months old, I felt so sad he wouldn't ever know his uncle. I think the grief finally caught up with me.

Grief is so complicated especially when it is after a long illness. Anger, sadness, regret, relief are all normal emotions.

Also the sadness can bubble up in unexpected places. I felt ridiculously sad when a character in a soap opera died a year or so after DF's death. I think it was because it was possible to just feel sad, no other complications to deal with.

Thank you all and sorry for your losses.
I almost feel like watching him suffer so much helped to process the feelings as a felt dreadful long before he died tbh.I think the real test will be the next time I go to A funeral. I also know he wouldn't want me to be miserable either.

My mum died nearly 2 years ago and I still haven't felt very emotional about it - I'm beginning to think I never will. She had dementia and had been sleeping a lot for about the last 1½ years of her life - in many ways she had gone already, and I think because we lost her gradually it was easier to adjust. Various people have told me this is nothing to be ashamed of. I think how you respond to a loss is very personal and you shouldn't reproach yourself for not feeling what you expected to feel.

Everything you’ve written is me, down to no headstone etc. My dad had a life long lung disease, we never expected him to reach 72, he was very accepting of his death, he felt he had lived a happy life and the end comes to us all. I was obviously heartbroken to not have him in my life anymore but I’ve always been very accepting of it. Friends couldn’t believe I stood for 10 mins without breaking down delivering his eulogy. I always expected it to catch up with me (was also straight back to work) but it hasn’t. It hits me when I don’t expect it and I have a moment but then I remember that I had many happy years with him and this is the cycle of life. He’s in my heart now and always will be

No. My DF passed away from cancer at 70 when the dc were 5 and 2. I took the call from the ward sister and had a sensible conversation about how a sudden brain haemorrhage prevented him having to face being out of remission for more than a few days and facing his end from a hospice bed.

Then I had to collect dd from nursery and ds from football club. We got home and dashed out to soft play until the cleaner rang me to say I'd absent mindedly locked her in.

The DC were small and I had to just carry on. I read the lesson at his funeral and didn't wobble.

I wondered when it would hit me. I kissed ds goodnight on his 10th birthday and smelled his sleeping contented warmth and remembered my father came to to the UK when he was 10 and never saw his parents again. I never properly understood until then and sobbed for him and for never being able to say I understood. But really it never really hit that hard. Perhaps because we loved each other so.

I have his ashes (parents divorced - marriages messy) because we agreed he would come with me because no-one else was left and I think that helps). He's on the sideboard in the dining room now and we put a hat on the urn at Christmas. Sometimes I go and have a chat to him but I think that can be done metaphorically. I think headstones are overrated (ds2 died too soon and I can't say it made it easier over the last 23 years).

I do think there are rights or wrongs.

No rights or wrongs.

Rosesandhellebores I am sorry about your ds2.
I did breakdown a couple of weeks after df died and did miss his presence in my life.Perhaps having worried and been depressed when dm and df were so very ill for most of a decade on and off I just want to see the good in life.
Thank you all for your messages.

Of course you're not. I think sometimes there's some self preservation going on - we are designed to survive death and loss and process things in different ways.