Is this a new phase?

[LakieLady]

For the first few weeks after DP died, I kept forgetting he'd gone and could scarcely cry. I'd have just a few tears and then they'd stop.

Over the last few days, that has changed. On Monday, I was in Tesco car park and suddenly realised that people were staring at me as I pushed the empty trolley back to the trolley bay. Then I realised that I was sobbing - huge, guttural sobs, not dainty little ladylike sobs - and crying. This has happened several times since, thankfully in the privacy of my own home, and I'm able shed a lot more tears. Each bout of crying now lasts 5 minutes or more instead of a few seconds.

The "forgetting" seems to be a lot less frequent now, too. Earlier, I thought I heard the kitchen tap running and my initial reaction was "Charlie's making a cuppa", and only then did I realise that I hadn't had that sort of thought for a few days. And then I had another sobbing fit.

There have been a few things that have happened recently. New Year's Day was our "anniversary" and I spent the day with MIL. On the way up, some very significant memories were triggered and I had many weepy moments. The following day, I was just inconsolably sad, so much that if I had been able to will myself to go to sleep and never wake up, I would have done it (this is nowhere near suicidal ideation, btw, more a sense of being exhausted with it all).

And there has been some stress. The window fitting overran and the fitters were still here when the plumber came to fit the new boiler on Monday and Tuesday. Then I had to have a new tv aerial fitted, and I totally failed to hang new curtain track and had to get a handy man to come and do it for me. Then DSS came to finish off a job in the garden and we took his dog for a walk on the downs.

But because I've been busy, I haven't had any of the long conversations I was having with various members of my support network. I'm wondering if talking to others about the state of my grief might actually have been stopping me from working through it myself or something. And today I actually woke up feeling quite happy for the first time since the start of November.

So what do you all think? Have I gone from that state of being in shock and not knowing whether I was on my arse or my elbow to something else, or is it just that I've had other stuff to focus on and haven't been indulging myself and wallowing?

It'll be 9 weeks since he died on Monday.

Thank you, @MiddleAgedLurker.

I have been immensely touched by the kindness of people, both in RL and on here. It's really heartwarming.

It's such early days OP. My DW died 6 months ago and the emotional roller coaster continues with good days and bad days. I've experienced lots of anxiety that is relieved by letting myself feel and express the sadness. Most of the time I'm going through the motions rather than really living. Sometimes it's a bit better and I can sense a new me going forward. Friends are do important, I wouldn't get through without them

Ikwym about the anxiety, @joystir59, and was putting it down to the shock.

I wonder know if it's because I haven't been giving in to the sadness.

I think the sadness will come up in you whatever you do to bottle it up. A week, month, year, years down the line whatever we suppress forces its way out of us. It's healthier to let it come. It makes you feel overwhelmed and crazy when it hits but that doesn't last, you do come up out of it. It's all in all very tiring and an incredible whole being shock.