Is this healthy?

[verticality]

My father in law died a few days ago.

Since it happened, we have all gathered around her.

However, she is acting as if nothing has happened. She's buzzing around the house, singing, laughing and making food. She hasn't cried, and all talk about the funeral has been completely matter of fact. She demonstrates no concern for anyone else's grief either.

I think this is pretty extreme denial, right?

However, BIL is determined to keep her in this state. He is also putting on a cheery act. He clearly sees grief as a problem and he and his partner are seeking to keep her distracted. They plan to spend the entire time up to the funeral with her in this breezy manner, and he is actively encouraging her to avoid coming to terms with what had happened.

I know that everyone grieves individually, and that there is no right and wrong. However, I can't help feeling that at some point, she is going to have to come to terms with this loss? And that delaying it may make that harder?

Both BIL and DH live many hours drive away, so we cannot be around 24/7 forever. There will come a point where she has to face the empty house and I can't see how delaying it will make it any less agonizing for her?

To avoid dripfeeding, MIL isn't very emotionally intelligent. She constantly verbalises everything that comes into her head, however hurtful to others, and is not able to understand other people's emotions at all. I think this is a capacity/skills issue not an intentionally hurtful one. However, I can't believe that she is going to suffer the death of a life partner of so many decades without really so much as a tear.

Advice much appreciated.

Sorry, I'm really tired. Meant to say that since it happened we have all gathered around MIL

She's going to crash OP.
The only thing that anyone can do is to be there to help pick her up when she does.

It’s too soon perhaps. Was it a sudden death? Disbelief, shock, all those things play a part. Acceptance and grief can come a while later. And maybe she wants to be alone to do that.

It's not a sudden death, but the illness has progressed much faster than anticipated.

They have known about a terminal diagnosis since January but have done nothing towards planning for the end. Even basic practical things like money management haven't been dealt with. So the denial has been going some time but has intensified since the actual death.

I don't think she wants to be alone, but I worry that the longer it is until she confronts this, the harder it might be?

Oh I'm sorry to hear your sad news. I think its perfectly normal behaviour for some people. My uncle died in his sleep and when we arrived at the house my aunt was making all of us food and drinks, she potted some plants and ironed. She just wanted to keep busy and we respected that. She did crash a few days later however her son stayed with her for a month or two after so was able to keep an eye on her.

This is just the way some people cope when it first happens. Just be there to support her and expect her to crash st some point over the next few days.

Ok, so this is normal. That's reassuring.

I am just a bit concerned about when and how she crashes. We live quite a distance away and we both have really busy jobs. We can't just head over to see her after work or in a lunch hour. We can, of course, be on the phone every day, but visiting continually is just not possible. The round trip there and back is 10 hours. I feel like she isn't going to crash while people are around, too. In fact, I am pretty sure our visit is what is holding it off. Of course, we can visit but my family is also bereaved (yep, it's a really tough time) and needs support, and they are at the other end of the country.

People are all different in how they deal with a death in the family. It's an inner feeling with some people, that they are remaining what seems to be cheerful and keeping busy, to maybe stave off their inner grief, but sooner or later it may hit them badly, And usually the grief will happen on the funeral day, and afterwards.

All the women in my family of old , including me,have been very stoical and just get on with things after losing a husband etc. I suppose it's a bit of an old fashioned way of being, but cannot remember ever, that any women in my family of old, has ever been a weeping woman after a loved ones death. The sadness and grief will happen later.

Some people collapse in a storm of emotion and feel better for it, others let the grief trickle through them very slowly. It's fine to want to stay upbeat while there are things to do, decisions to make, and then collapse in private later.
She knows you live at a distance- get ready to do phone support and practical long distance tasks. We needed to do a huge amount for DM- managing bank accounts and bills etc- because she'd never done it.

The important thing right now is that she knows you want to help when she's ready for it.

Also don't be surprised if she doesn't grieve as you'd expect. My mum grieved the support my dad gave her, rather than him. It was about who would look after her, how was she supposed to manage etc. I found it upsetting.