Helping child after loss

[Friendnextdoor]

Hi all, hoping someone with a similar experience can give me some pointers as I feel a bit lost at the moment. My mum died in June very unexpectedly, she had been unwell but not life threateningly (as far as we knew) and my DC age 7 actually stayed over with her the weekend before she died. My mum was only in her early fifties so her death came as a huge shock - especially to my DC who was very close to her and stayed over once a week. Since then DC has been extremely clingy with me - this has heightened over the xmas period to the point she doesn't want to go anywhere/see anyone without me. I am unsure how to handle this, of course it's no problem to keep her with me, but I need to work and I am worried the longer it goes on the worse it will be. Has anyone been in this position? Did it resolve? I have very much tried to carry on as normal (for my own sanity) however we do talk about my mum and I have reassured her I am healthy & won't die soon. It is a minefield and I am exhausted by it all which I know probably makes me sound like a terrible parent.

Try some berevament activities - some can be accessed via local charities or found online. My kids were 5 and 8 when my DH died, and I accessed a support v early on and worked a lot on their understanding of a loss and resilience. The school referred us to a couple of charities and they had group and individual sessions - which helped them understand what they are going through

Thank you @LoudAndBold I have looked online at Winston's Wish and they seem to focus on young people so I will email them today. I'm sorry to hear you lost your DH that must have been so difficult. I did speak to her school but they told me she is fine there so no help was offered. I also feel it's due to the fact she has lost her grandma rather than a parent that the expectation is she will just get over it. Thank you for your advice.

@Friendnextdoor my kids were absolutely fine at the time, but I wanted them to understand their feelings and equip them with knowledge that there is support available if they ever needed it again. 1.5year on and they are incredibly well adjusted and thriving at school and socially. Good luck!

@Friendnextdoor there is a very good App/game called Apart of Us which local charity recommended. Your DC may not be able to play independently (she needs to be able to read), but worth giving it a try

Child Bereavement UK is another very good charity. They may have some ways to help you help your daughter grieve and find words or ways to communicate those emotions that are driving her clinginess. She's clinging to you because she wants you to help her name and solve the things she doesn't have the words for.

Thanks so much everyone. I thought we had turned a corner recently but tonight has been worse than ever. I know I sound like a terrible parent but honestly I'm getting so frustrated with it. I actually dread waking her in the morning as I know it's going to start, I work in a demanding job aswell and I'm totally drained by the time I get there. Everything is a fight, she is moody and stubborn and there is no reprieve. I am currently looking online for Apart of Us and am willing to try anything at this point! I am aware I am a terrible parent but it's a lot to deal with on top of my own grief and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with it - I am becoming more anxious myself and sad for my little girl who I worry will never be the same again.

I really recommend this book, Always and Forever.
Get a copy, read it together at random times, leave it casually lying about. Then eventually talk about how your mum might want to be remembered, and about how your children might want to remember her.
www.amazon.co.uk/Always-Forever-Alan-Durant/dp/0552567655?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Get out a mix of photos of your mum. Suggest you each choose one, and then look online for frames, perhaps ones that can be accessorised. Ask where they want to put the framed pictures.

Talk about her. Say things like, tonight I am going to cook grandma’s favourite dinner. Sadly she isn’t here, but when I cook it, it makes me happy to think of her.

Talk about probabilities openly.
Grandma died, this was a shock.
The reality of me dying too is the same as...... and find something real and true your child would find impossible to believe. Children need reassurance - they also need clear things to believe in to make them feel reassured.
When you talk about her, try doing so when you are all doing something. - such as baking or Lego or walking - less pressure on the child. Easier for them to take things in

Also recommend Winston’s Wishes

My sympathies and best wishes

I also feel I haven't explained my frustration very well, I need to work I am an NHS worker & incredibly short staffed. My child goes to breakfast club, the school hub and after school care - she has always done this but is now crying telling me she doesn't want to go. I don't know what to do for the best, everything I have read online says to keep sending them but it's getting worse. She is in tears the night before and from the minute she wakes up she is grumpy and frustrated. She cries at drop off but when I collect her she tells me she has had a great day. I am exhausted. I'm also a solo parent so there's nobody else to help.

Realised you have name changed
Seeing updates
Keep clear boundaries - poor behaviour might be explained as being due to grief but it is not excused. I know it is very hard but try to stay calm and not react to school drop off tears. She pushes boundaries because she knows she can. She knows you are there for her.

Try to think of ways to look after yourself - five minute scenic walk, or listen to song you like or favourite breakfast cereal.

If she is grumpy in the mornings, be clear she has to do before / after school clubs, that tears don’t help - but say that you will do something nice with her at the weekend - bake grandmas favourite biscuits, plant some spring bulbs. Tell her we can feel grumpy when upset but we need to think of ways to make ourselves feel better. Tell her you feel grumpy and upset at times, ask her for ways you can help yourself feel better. Get a whiteboard for fridge and both of you put up feel good ideas on it - add an OTT one on it - score them when you try them etc.

Thank you @farnworth these are all great suggestions & I will try them out. I did suggest tonight we do a sticker chart if we can try our best to not cry in the morning but instantly felt guilty as I also don't want her to feel she needs to hide her emotions. I'm totally out of my depth and feel I'm slowly drowning. Sorry yes have name changed in relation to another thread- oops! Xx