Finding out who your friends are after losing a loved one

[Anony11]

I recently lost my sister and I have just withdrawn from all my friend groups. I am devastated and I am struggling as I loved my sister very much.Whilst they are checking in on me with texts (occasionally) I feel quite angry with one of them who had my full support last year when she lost her husband. I rang her daily and was genuinely concerned. She hasn’t bothered dropping me a text at all. I’ve noticed for some time that she has to be the centre of attention and everything has to be about her. I just don’t understand how so called friends can be so callous!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum this year after a long illness and was so shocked and angry by how little most of my friends seemed to care. Hardly anyone sent a card or rang. A couple sent a text to say they were sorry to hear about but didn't ring for months after. I have been there for all of them in the past so I know how you feel. It has definitely made me rethink my friendships. The people who made the most effort are people who have been through grief themselves.

I don't know why this happens but it's my experience too. After my dad died not a single so called friend sent me a card or texted me.

I'm so sorry it's been your experience too

Sorry for your loss
I think it's hard to empathise deeply unless you too have experienced loss. And everything is harder in corona times.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
I think this is a common phenomenon.
Certainly I had your experience when my son died.
I lost many friends as I saw them in a completely different light.
Even my closest friend who I'd moved heaven and earth for when she was widowed a few years previously.

Thank you all for your kind words xx

I am so sorry that you have lost your sister - you must be devastated. It can be v lonely and shocking when friends keep their distance. I think people don’t know how to behave and put their own awkwardness above your comfort by swerving the situation.

With your friend who was recently widowed - I suspect that she is so raw and unable to revisit or look at your pain if her loss was “recent” (last 5 years IME).

I hope that you have other friends who come out of the wood work for you and can bring you some peace.

I'm very sorry for your loss, unfortunately this has been my experience too and I've struggled with this, although an acquaintance did tell me recently she had the same experience and thought it was due to people simply not realising the impact of grief unless they had experienced it themselves

I am very sorry for your loss @Anony11 and for everyone on this thread. I am very fortunate that he is still with us but feel the same with regards to DH - he has terminal cancer and is so very unwell and nobody ever calls or mentions it to see how he’s doing and how I’m doing.

I also agree with a PP that some people think the fact that it makes them feel uncomfortable and awkward to bring it up is more important than your wellbeing. It does my head in as I would never think like that.

Hoping you manage to have some peace and a few happy times this xmas

Please know you are not alone. After loosing my daughter I realised who my true friends was. It was a hard emotional time I wouldn't wish on anyone. Keep close to the ones who bother to check your ok. I'm so sorry about your sister may she rest in peace ❤️

If you ever need someone to talk to you can message me thinking off you and your family at this horrible time

Take each day as it comes xxx