Father died - feelings from painful childhood

[BookWorm45]

My father recently died (it was expected and he was quite old, demented, ill and in pain) so I really do think it was a release for him. However I find this has brought back up to the surface lots of feelings about my childhood and adolescence. I am not yet able to feel grief for his death (he’d had a long life) but instead I find I can be sucked down into anger and grief about his parenting ability 40 years ago.

Trying to be as fair as I can be – I don’t think being a parent was easy for him and I don’t think he had good role models in his own childhood. However I also find I am thinking a lot about episodes in my childhood which included his heavy drinking, violence to me and others, driving when drunk with me in the back seat, a great many other women on the side, and using me as a go-between to go off to a phone box and ring up one of his other women and let them know he’d be late etc (while still married to my mother etc). In summary I would say he did not prioritise me and didn’t act as a good father.

I’ve had very little contact with him in the last few decades and our lives have diverged hugely. I think my own life now is fine (great husband, good job, etc). But it feels as if my memories of the painful, vulnerable time when I was a young girl keep resurging.

I’ve had kind words from colleagues and friends about “Sorry for your loss” and I don’t know quite what to say as I don’t want to trot out all my ancient history to tell them now.

I am hoping all this will calm down soon but no idea how long I’ll be feeling so disrupted for !

This is really offloading feelings but also welcome any comments from people.

I’m going through something similar but my father is ill and still with us. It’s been really helpful to read your post and realise why I’m so cross with everything instead of worried about him. I feel very ambivalent about him dying. Loads of messy emotions.

Completely agree @weaselwords

Wishing you all the best in a difficult complex time. I found I varied between sympathy for him now (as the old man dying) and anger with what happened XX years ago (as the much younger man / parent). It is very difficult to talk about this with anyone as people typically assume that family relationships are positive unless they are told otherwise !

I had a better but still complicated relationship with my Dad. I did a lot of reading of other people's childhood memoirs ("Fun Home" and "Are you my Mother?" by Alison Bechdel, Jeannette Winterton's "Why be Happy When You Could Be Normal") and books like the Steve Peters Chimp book and "The Body Keeps The Score" about brain development and emotion processing. I also found out more about my parents' childhood. In the end I was able to at least feel sorry for the neglected kid Dad was and accept who he ended up as, even though I really wished things had been different. That said, a) he tried to be a decent person, your Dad sounds to be in a much bigger league and b) it didn't make him any more fun to be around sadly!

Thank you Fluffy @FluffyFluffyClouds - really appreciate the mention of memoirs to read, can be so very helpful in making sense of our own individual stories. Now I have some more titles to look up in the library !

I have also found memoirs useful like "Once in a House on Fire" - Andrea Ashworth - it's on domestic violence and chaotic childhoods.

In a very similar situation. Still very raw. No words of wisdom right now but I hope it’s a small comfort that you’re not alone xx

Thank you Mumbles! @MumblesHereMumblesThere
It's definitely a comfort to see there are several postings on this thread. So there are a few of us in just 1 day who've got something along these lines to deal with.

Similar story here. Pete Walker’s website and books have been invaluable for me.