My Grandad died today and I dont know how to feel

[juliewoolie]

He died this afternoon while I was in the car trying to get to where he lives before it happened.

I am just unsure on how I should feel. He has been missing in my life for the last 10 years mainly because he has been living with someone who managed to cut him out of our lives. He was not a very nice man. He physically and mentally abused my mum and her siblings also my gran. But for most of my life he was around. Until he met this lady who either terrified him into having nothing to do with his family or he decided he didnt want to be in our lives. The difficult thing is whenever he had problems he always called my mum and we all came running. A few months ago he ended up in hospital and social services got involved he ended up going back to this womans house and again the contact stopped. We received a call a couple of weeks ago to be told it had been decided that he need to go into a nursing home at this point we felt that maybe without him living with her we could have some accsses to him and possibly build up a relationship again. We also found out that this women had been self medicating him to keep him quiet.

My Uncle received a phone-call this morning to say that they didnt think he was going to last the day so we all headed down to be with him. When my mum and dad arrived the other lady was with him and they had to wait until she left before they could go in. It was during this time that he passed away. My mum and dad were sitting in the car outside I was 10 mins away.

After he died a nurse came outside and told us and we had to wait until his partner/carer/whatever she is had left.

We all went in and went to his room, I went in with my family to see him but apart from being upset at seeing a dead body I dont feel anything and just dont know what to feel

Sorry for rambling I needed to write it down and am not expecting responses just feel like I am in limbo.

So sorry x. Any death is hard, but it must make it harder because you feel so ambivelent about him. Hope writing down has helped. Have some thinking time, thoughts are with you xx

Very sorry this happened to you today.
I would imagine what you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances.
Even though he wasn't the most perfect person, how many of us are?, you will feel sad of course.
I do feel angry that you to have been shut out of his latter years and that she had been self medicating etc. and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Love to you and yours

Sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You just have to go through it. Personally, I found it helped me to talk and talk and talk with my Mum and sisters when my Dad died in May. It still doesn't seem real and some days I wil breeze through and others I'll be paralysed with grief. Yours is a very different situation to the one we were in. I feel for you, I really do.

Poor you, I am sorry about your loss, but it does seem that you lost him a long time ago. I hope you can find some kind of peace, it seems like a difficult situation.

Really about the other woman's behaviour, horrible of her to deny your mum the chance to say goodbye.

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandad.
And sorry that you are struggling with how you are feeling.

My Grandad died in July. To some extent I was in a similar situation to you. He separated from my Granny when I was born and with him living in Ireland and being somewhat of a recluse I didn't have the loving close relationship I did with my other 3 grandparents. He was more of a 30 minute visit, shake hands kind of Grandad.

We knew he was ill 6 weeks before he died and the last 6 weeks of his life saw the whole (and very large family) pull togetjer to some extent but despie being there at the end and at his death he still died a relative stranger.

I've also been struggling with how i feel and how I should feel. I can't help but feel that I should feel how I would feel if one of my other grandparents had died but the bottom line is that I don't. I'm coming to accept that now and I'm also making sence of my feelings. As time passes I feel that I miss him more and having spoken to his friends and neighbours at the wake I think I'm mournng a man that I didn't know and mouring the fact that I hadn't got to know him.

As time passes I'm positive that your feelings will change as mine have and you will understand your feelings more. Give yourself time and allow your thoughts to develope.

Thinking of you at this time. I hope hearing of my experience is of help?

thanks - just feel empty. My Uncle said he felt guilty at feeling nothing.

Now we have to organise a funeral and also he hes a family plot in the very north of Scotland that he wanted to be laid to rest in. He was living in Southern Kent so that is something that is going to be really difficult to sort out. But it was always something he spoke about so we have to organise that.

I guess we just get on with it and at some point if feelings other than emptiness come out I deal with it then.

thanks elfsmum I too am from a very large family. I do feel exactly as you say and I will have to mourn the person he was when I was younger and try to come to terms with the person he was when my mum was a child and the person he became when he met this other lady.

Sorry for your loss. My Grandmother (dads mom) was not a very nice person. She used to make v nasty remarks about my brothers birth mark (large port wine on face). I always used to 'joke' to my close friends that she was too 'evil' to die (yes I know a horrid thing to say). Last year she did die. In all honesty I have never felt anything other than guilt at not feeling anything. i cried a little at the funeral but only for my dad who was heartbroken. We all have differing feelings. Talk it through with someone who you care about, but unrelated to your grandfather and see where the conversation takes you emotionally.

oh juliewoolie, theres no should about feelings i'd guess they will start to come thru after a while but you are allowed not to feel much/feel sad/feel angry just let yourself have the feelings that come up and don't feelyou have to fit some particular mourning role

good luck

I'm so sorry.

The complications you describe sound very similar to the ones in our family up to a point. My paternal grandfather was an emotionally and physically abusive father and husband. I did find that when he died 7 years ago the emotional impact upon my Dad was heartbreaking. Having had such a fraught and abusive relationship, its end signalled a loss of hope you could say and a lot of guilt (he wasn't there, they didn't get on, he was very frail, there was no time for apologies- there never would be apologies or reconciliation but you've lost the chance nonetheless etc). My Dad was wracked with guilt, years of emotions brought to the fore.

I wish you and your Mum lots of love. I will try and email you tomorrow but know that I'm thinking of you tonight my lovely. Keep your Mum close in your thoughts and I'm always here at the end of a PC if you want to chat.

SOH thanks so much.

Julie, I don't know what to say, what a difficult time for you and your family. I think you should take the 'ought' away from how you think you should be feeling and just take some time to work out your true feelings.

As SOH says let your mum know you are there for her and we are here for you. You know how to reach me if you want to chat.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this Julie. Keep talking to us if you can. Lots of Love xxx

How are you today JW. xxx

Feel ok today, still a bit numb about it but realise that whatever I feel is ok. My mum is struggling but will just be there for her when and if she needs to talk.

It is amazing how having my little munchkin makes you feel ok and want to get on with things.

I dont think the funeral will be until next week, so am going to carry on with my plans this week to go to Scotland so Archie can meet his other Great Grandparents feels really important for him to meet them now.

Thanks for all the kind words.