How do you grieve when you don't feel that you have?

[NotFestiveFilms]

One of my parents died, completely suddenly a police at your door type sudden some years ago now.

I find this time of the year particularly hard because they died in December on a poignant day in my family, I don't mean Christmas and the parent's birthday was at this time of year too.

My family are very dysfunctional. When the parent died we came together but within a month no-one was speaking to each other again.

Although it was some years ago I don't feel that I have processed the loss. I'm still susceptible to bouts of random tears and I can't explain it other than to say that I don't feel that I'm over it at all. Obviously the immediate rawness has gone but that second part? I'm stuck there. I'm just not sure how else to explain it.

Can anyone signpost a good book or similar, please?

I can't think of anything to recommend but just to say you're not alone. I lost my mum in April 2017 and I still struggle. I'm thinking of counselling.

When my mum died we received a letter from the Bereavement Office at the hospital saying that they could signpost people for further help if necessary. Maybe contact your local hospital and see if they do the same, it's never too late to ask for help. My dad died very suddenly 15 years ago and it's probably only in the last couple of years that I don't think about him as often as I used to. My mum died 7 weeks ago and I just feel nothing, can't understand it.

I think what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

Cruse

The organisation, Cruse have resources that may be able to help you.

to everyone - sorry for your losses.

I have no book suggestions, but I would say that expecting to be "over it" with no emotional responses is not realistic and not how grief really works. Especially not complex/traumatic grief.

The idea that we are supposed to one day have no more emotions about the loss of our loved ones and act as if they never existed is a peculiarly British cultural idea. And not a very healthy one because it's not how being human actually works!

Well, British/Western.

Sorry to everyone here for your losses
and thank you for answering me, I really do appreciate your kindness.

When I said over it I didn't mean that I expect to be over it completely. I'm not sure that I will ever be over it completely, especially the shock of that knock at the door and I'm at peace with that aspect.

I'm usually articulate but I was writing through tears and I realise that I didn't explain myself.

No, what I meant by over it is past this stage of grief. I don't want to out myself but I will say that it has been between 7 and 10 years and I feel like I'm stuck in that second stage of grief. Although I am past the early grief that takes up to a year to get through, I haven't moved on since then. It still feels raw and immediate.

As it has been so long I feel that Cruse will laugh me out of their offices. Which is why I was asking about books or similar resources.

user I agree with you about British/Western attitudes to grief.

notfestivefilms I think I understand some of what you mean. My dad died 5 years ago in a similar, police at my door, situation. Looking back I think I coped fairly well given the enormity of what happened. But I don’t feel like I’ve dealt with it at all in the long term.

I had a 14 month old DC at the time, so once the funeral was out of the way I had a distraction, I’ve since had another DC and often if I think about dad at all I’ll cry. I tried to get some counselling but the waitlist for the NHS was long and the private ones nearby were all full. So I stopped trying.

I do know I need it though. Maybe next year. I still have a lot to process about what happened/how/why (even though the answer to a lot of those are just that it was total bad luck).

So I don’t have any recommendations, but I think I know a little of how you feel

booklets

Don’t worry about the time lapse, organisations such as Cruse will still be able to support you. They will be supportive, not judgemental.

While there isn't a timeline for grief it's possible to get 'stuck' at a step and feel like you need help in moving forward. Is therapy an option? I'd a very similar situation to you and it helped so much. It's exhausting work and can be frustrating at times (for me anyway) but so valuable.

I don't think Cruse would laugh you out of it. If anyone knows how complicated and slow moving grief can be it's them, they'll have seen it all.

Apologies for the very late reply.
I'm sorry for all your losses

RAINSh0wers it sounds as though you know a lot about how I feel. I'm sorry for your loss. I know, from my own experience that watching someone pass slowly is awful but it can, sometimes at least, offer them the opportunity to say goodbye and spend time with the people they love and maybe doing things they have always meant to do.

My oldest friend passed away last year, aged 48, of prostate cancer. It was and still is incredibly sad but, in as much as anyone can, he had a good death. He passed where and how he chose.

Which is not to diminish the grief of any loss, any loss is difficult. Just that completely sudden loss is indescribable. No goodbye, one day they there and the next then bang, there's a massive them-sized hole in your world.

The link to those booklets will be very useful, thank you Standrewsschool.

SinnochRua yes, talking therapy is an option and one that I have considered but I'm not sure that it would help me. Stuck is definitely what I am. I simply don't know how to get past it.