DM is dying. When do I tell the kids

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My mum was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer back in March. It was stable for a while but over the last few weeks she has gone downhill rapidly and we were told a few days ago it has spread to multiple organs. She is in hospital while they try to get various things under control.

Her doctor phoned me this morning and confirmed my instinct that we are talking weeks, maybe a month or two at best. Once her pain is under control she will be coming home for palliative care.

My kids are 6 & 4. They know about the cancer in very basic terms and that it isn’t treatable but we haven’t told them yet that it’s going to be sooner rather than later. They don’t even know she is in hospital. The eldest especially dwells in things and I don’t want it hanging over them any longer than it has to. DH and I were thinking wait until she is home so we can see how she is then take it from there. Is this the right thing? Should we tell them now so they have as much time as possible to process everything?

I will add, as it it is relevant, that my gran, mums mum, died last week. No long drawn out death, simply old age. The kids have taken this well (first thing my eldest said was at least she and my papa are back together now) but I worry that this might be too much for them to deal with all at once.

I'm terribly sorry for your mums condition.

From my personal experience I believe it best to tell your children sooner rather than later. My grandfather was in a similar situation and my parents thought he had a few months but he unfortunately passed earlier and my brother and I didn't know, making the news both sad and a shock. Kids are more understanding than we give them credit for.

My condolences once again. ❤️

There are some good books for this age group, Goodbye Mog and also Paper Dolls that can go alongside the explaining process. When my Mum was ill I didn't get the chance to explain she was going downhill as she died the day after we were told, but I did read that if you prepare them not to say too much and just to answer questions they have, don't suggest to them that they may feel sad/worried/upset etc.

Really feeling for you, it's a very tough time.

Another book is Badgers Parting Gifts by Susan Varley

Hmm. This is difficult. My children are the same age and I genuinely don’t know how much I would tell them. Knowing my children I would probably leave the death preparation until quite close to the end, but it’s so hard because you don’t really know how long you all have. My 6yo would fret and worry about the future so I would probably leave it as that she’s very unwell and probably won’t get any better. Death is a part of life, but it’s not an easy concept for young children.

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this

I’m so sorry about your mum. Mine were about the same ages when my mum died. I didn’t tell them until the day it happened. The smaller one took it very matter of factly but my oldest was very upset and had lots of questions which were not always easy to answer. I don’t know if I did the right thing not telling them until the end, but in a way I feel it gave mum a chance to live a little longer for them in the way she would have liked to be remembered (they did not see her when she was very very ill). But it’s very hard.

Thank you for all your replies, as I expected it’s not giving me a clear answer but at least no one has jumped in telling me I’m a terrible mother and am damming them to a life of unresolved tragedy if we don’t tell them quite yet.

I’ve just spoken to my mums partner and, as she is in a room on her own, he was let in to see her for an hour. She’s very sore and breathless and not doing well. He expects it will be another few days before she can come home, assuming she does.

Sitting here this evening, thinking it over, I think Tuesday is the day we tell them. They go to the childminder after school tomorrow and by the time we get home it’s pretty much dinner and bed, on Tuesday I will be picking them up from school so we’ll be straight home and we can sit down and spend a bit of time talking it over. While I don’t want them dwelling over it, waiting for the inevitable, I really don’t want to break the news to them out of the blue.

I'm sorry about your sad news. My kids were similar age when my Dad was dying in hospital. I took my 3 kids to see him knowing it was the last time they would see him, I hadn't told them at this point that he wouldn't get better. They knew he had cancer. My youngest didn't want to kiss him ( I later found out she thought she would catch the cancer) . I then told them afterwards that he wouldn't get better. The atmosphere was easier (thinking of my dad's point of view that they didn't know in hospital). You may not want your children to see your mom in the weeks ahead as she deteriorates. There is no right or wrong answer, you know your children best.
Sorry you are going through this.

I would tell them. But that is influenced by my own experience of my grandfather being very ill when I was a child, and picking up on things, hearing whispers including the word cancer, seeing him look frail, worrying about it and very sad but unable to discuss it with adults because I knew I wasn’t supposed to know.

Having a plan of when to tell them them is good.
Knowing what to say?
I'd go along the lines of 'Granny / Grandma / Nanna / Nanny is very poorly and old, and when people are like that, they might die, and we think she might.'
You'll find your own words, but I would tell them. It will give them time to process what is happening - especially if they are old enough to understand what it means.
It's a horrible thing to have to do, but letting them know is a kindness. If you think they may need some understanding at school, let the school know.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s never easy

I think trying to prepare the dc is good. The film of we’re going on a bear hunt is pretty good for initiating a discussion about how sometimes people we love very much go away but we remember them and love them anyway. Another book that you might find useful is Michael Rosen’s (the children’s poet laureate) book ‘sad’. He lost his son and has written quite a bit about dealing with feelings of grief and loss for children, although I would caution that he refers to his son so depending on your feelings on the subject you may want to avoid discussions about younger deaths when they’re going to have to process their grandmothers. It’s a lovely book though, it may be worth looking at just for you.

The Winston’s wish website is very useful for these times, on language to use and how and when to talk to DCs about loved ones very ill or having died, and also things for you as a parent to be aware of.

Im so sorry I’m following as currently in the exact same situation ❤️

I really feel for you OP, my DM has just been diagnosed with lung cancer and starts her chemo on Tuesday this week. DCs are 16, 11 and 8 and though I've been honest, I haven't given them a lot of detail.
We know the prognosis isn't great and I'm just hoping my eldest can get through GCSE etc before we need to explain any more x
Sending much love to you x

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I lost my sister to cancer this year. My DC are similar ages to yours. I told them age appropriate things along the way, their aunt was ill, their aunt had cancer, their aunt probably wasn't going to get better etc. I don't really know how much they took in TBH. They didn't seem to dwell on it. The only time was when we went to visit and I mentioned she was looking frail and DS1 said that she looked ill.

The most important we tried to reassure them about was that we would still be there for them.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum & your Gran🌷

I honestly wouldn't tell them until your mum had gone. Death isn't something kids really 'understand' anyway, let alone in advance. Just let them see your mum and have them interact as 'normally' as they can without them saying something that will upset your mum.

We thought the almost 4 year old had 'understood' as well as possible, but she saw my Dads cost hanging up in the hallway (it had been in his car) and she shouted out 'Grandad, Grandad, you're home, I knew you'd come back' it was absolutely heartbreaking fir all of us.

Sending you the hugest hugs xx

Very sorry your mum is so poorly.

Please tell them, obviously in language and a way you think they will grasp. Children do understand more than you think and certainly ick up on subtle changes in demeanour, conversations behind closed doors etc. This leads to unanswered questions they then may internalise and in turn come up with their own narrative.

I would suggest you see your mum and see how she is when she gets home and then you can have a chat with them and prepare them for any changes. You could say 'grandma might be breathing funny, abit like when you've been for a fast run' type thing so they aren't scared of what they see. Encourage questions even if you can't answer them at that point. Let them know feeling worried/sad/confused is normal and means they care for grandma and the adults can feel like that too. Let them decide their pace and how often they wish to see her x

I’m so sorry about your poor mum.

My girls were the same age when my lovely DMil passed away. They knew she was very poorly and then when she went into hospital we took them to see her one afternoon. They were so pleased to see her and even in her poorly state she was thrilled to see them. I think we all knew it would probably be the last time they saw each other. We told them the day after she passed away, it was a Friday so they had the weekend with us to take it all in.

Since then we’ve lost grandad, the dog, a great uncle and their teacher and quite a few villagers. Unfortunately death seems to have been quite prevalent in their little lives and I think now they’re used to it.

If you want them to spend a little time with each other then do. You know your own children. I knew mine would regret not seeing Nanny, our eldest was quite close to her. She still talks about her now. Perhaps half an hour for one last cuddle.

One thing I will say though is that my grandpa died of cancer when I was 25. I went to see him a couple of weeks before the end and I was shocked by the transformation. He looked terrible, half dead even, and it was very alarming. I would keep that in mind when considering how to visit with them - their last memory should be a good one. My mum’s dad died when I was 9 - I didn’t see him while he was unwell (liver cancer, quite sudden, and very jaundiced), and i was fine with that. I did go to the funeral though and I have very fond memories of him.

From personal experience I would be truthful and tell them ASAP. There's excellent resources on the various cancer charity websites with information aimed at different age groups. Also do inform their school/nursery.

Second the recommendation for Badgers Parting Gifts book, a friend sent it for my DC when my DM died this summer, it's a very good book.

We sat them down today and told them. My youngest started coughing in the middle of the night so we’ve all been for a COVID test this morning and were unexpectedly home for the day (I know this sounds like I’m making up one crisis after another but I’m a long time member, honest!) so DH and I took the opportunity into sit them down.

The 4YO asked if we had something sad to tell them, to which we answered yes. She then asked if her granny was dead. We explained that no, she’s not, but she’s very ill, worse than she was previously and isn’t going to get better. Five minutes later they were arguing over what to watch on tv. We will let them come to us with questions while offering lots of hugs etc.

Mums partner has been called in to meet with the doctor this evening. She had another scan earlier so I’m bracing myself for what they’ve found now.

In same position, kids 4 and 7 so following for recommendations

Hello, firstly i am so sorry that you've had to write a note like this. I lost my wife nearly 8 weeks ago through cancer (she'd battled it for 5 and a half years). She started going downhill rapidly from the start of 2020. My children are 5 and 9. We have had a councillor for 3 years and it's always been our aim not to shield them or lie to them. You'll get caught up trying to hide things and if they think you're lying then to repair the trust may be difficult. Remember children pick up on everything and from my own experience they can be very resilient. Everyone is different but I'd maybe start planting the seeds