young and trying to cope with favourite teacher bereavement

[ificouldgoandchangeitall]

I've name changed as I'd like to be completely honest. I know my experience of bereavement is nowhere near as bad as anyone else's on here (and my truest condolences to anyone experiencing any form of bereavement). I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to put on here, but I think I'm quite a sensitive person and I don't have much emotional support around me - please tell me if I need to go elsewhere.

I'm 18, and no longer in school, but when I was I had a favourite teacher. That sounds very trite, but she was one of the only adults who understood me and didn't make assumptions. She was generally just a really cool lady - she had a sharp wit that a lot of MN would enjoy.

In my last year of school, she had what seemed like a random collapse, which turned out to be stage four brain cancer. After a few months of battling with it, she died. My parents were the ones who brought it up a few months later (quite cavalierly) and I felt a lot of pain because I should have let her know that she meant something. I missed an opportunity, not even to say goodbye, but to pass forward some gratitude and thankfulness. She helped me pull through so much, and I never let her know how much it meant.

It's been about a year now. I usually suppress any feelings I have about it, but for some reason it came up tonight and it's hit me really hard. I feel guilty because I could have done more but was too lazy and distracted to try, and I feel like I don't have a right to be upset. It happened a year ago, and as much as I felt close to her, she wasn't my immediate family. I don't know I have a lot of complicated feelings, but it doesn't seem "important" enough to ever talk about or do anything with. I just feel a bit hollow in a very specific part of my heart.

Anyway, sorry. Not sure what I'm looking for. Just needed to write it down I think - sorry if it's not the right place, or not the right situation to be discussing on here. I'm not sure where else to go.

You loved her. You have the right go grieve. Can you do something, for example plant a tree, or adopt an snimsl in her name? Then her legacy lives on and you have a place that is for your grief?

This sounds very painful.

Firstly, you don’t need to justify your feelings of grief. You feel bad because she had a big influence on you and now she is ‘gone’. It’s horrible when someone passes away so suddenly like that. The shock is immense and very traumatic.

Would it help to think that she isn’t really ‘gone’ - can you try to see /remember her in non-physical ways?

Have you any way of connecting with her family to tell them how much she meant to you. Your acknowledgement of her loss may also help them in their grief and give additional meaning to her life.

It’s okay to feel as sad as you do. Try to keep remembering her and let her ‘spirit’ continue to guide you through life. She is still with you

I had some wonderful teachers, I know I would've felt very sad if any of them had died. Perhaps you should write a short note in a card to send to her family to let them know the effect she had on your and that you're thinking of her. I'm sure the school would send it on for you.

I'm a primary teacher. I care massively about each and every one of the children I teach and have taught over my career (coming up for 20 years).
Just as your favourite teacher had such a positive impact upon you, there have been so many children I've worked with that have made a difference in the way I look at and reflect upon life, too. Some of these have been the kids that, despite incredible hardships for many reasons, still walk through the classroom door with a smile on their face and kindness in their hearts.
A lot of adults could learn a lot from children.
I too had a favourite teacher - he was the reason why I became a teacher myself. I don't suppose he is still around today because he was near to retirement when he taught me, but his love of his job absolutely influenced the path I took in life.
Although your teacher would probably have taught many others, the fact that you as an individual are affected by her passing is in itself a wonderful tribute to her.

Sorry I read the first two replies last night and immediately felt like crying, so I've taken a bit of time to respond. There was a donation to a brain cancer charity set up by her daughter I think but that was nearly a year ago now, not sure if accepting new donations.

I don't have any grassy area to plant a tree unfortunately (I'm in a flat right now, so can't adopt a pet either). If I buy a house in the future, I might plant something in her memory. I'm not sure how to go about connecting with her family - I don't want to make things strange, given it was a while ago now and might be seen as me digging around her personal life / family.

I might write her a letter. There's obviously no way to send it or a recipient, but I want to do something that commemorates her in some way. I don't know why I'm feeling so sad about it right now. Sorry for the paragraph, I just don't know why it's kicking in right now and what I can do about it. Thank you all, for responding.

If I were her family I would be honoured to receive a card even a year later (especially a year later) telling me how wonderful she was from one of her students. I’m sure the school would pass it on.

I don't live near the school and don't want to go back to my hometown particularly - how would I go about getting a letter to the school?

@ificouldgoandchangeitall

I don't live near the school and don't want to go back to my hometown particularly - how would I go about getting a letter to the school?

Could you post it to the school and ask them if they can forward it on? It sounds like a lovely thing to do.

Would I write that on the envelope, or would I need to contact someone at the school first? I have negative associations with the school itself (hence why she was a bit of a shining light for me) so keen to keep things as brief as possible when it comes to involving other staff

Sorry, I'm not in a habit of writing letters as you can tell haha

I lost someone who I wasn't particularly close too but was important to a family member, a year later BAM, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I guess I started my grieving process. Like you, I tend not to discuss my personal life with family and friends.

A number of things helped me: keeping a journal and writing down my thoughts and feelings. You could do that first thing in the morning or last thing at night or both. It helped me to acknowledge my feelings and not deny them but more importantly accept that this is what I am feeling and it is perfectly normal.
Second thing that helped me was to cry. I didn't hold my tears back and if I needed to cry, then that's what I did. It Felt like a big weight off my shoulder had lifted and it gave me some light relief.
Another thing was calling Samaritans when I was having a particularly bad day. I would call them as I never spoke to family or friends and it gave me an opportunity to speak to someone on how I felt. Made me feel feel Instantly better as I was being heard.
The best thing you can do is acknowledge your feelings and go through the motions .
Best of luck.

Write a card, put it in a sealed envelope with a stamp and "The Smith family", leaving room for an address.

Put that in an envelope with a note saying you heard about her death, that she meant a great deal to you as a student and you would appreciate it if the school could forward the enclosed card to her family.

I agree with posting it to the school.

You may want to leave the envelope with the card unsealed as the school may want to read it to make sure they're not passing on hate mail from an aggrieved student to a grieving family, so you'd need to be ok with this.

Otherwise, just write a letter and never send it. Imagine her receiving it and how she'd respond.

No one quite touches your heart like a really good teacher.

My father died 13 years ago and at the beginning I would write him letters. Just talking about what had been happening in my life and how much he meant to me (his death was unexpected).
I've kept the letters obviously and I don't read them but I found it really cathartic at the time.