Don't know how to deal with this anger and grief

[Soangrywithitall]

My DB's partner took her own life early last week and we are all completely devastated. She had a troubled life and had been battling a painkiller addiction. My DB is blaming himself as they'd had a row a couple of weeks and not spoken - this wasn't unusual for them when they had a row as DB has also been suffering MH issues and he cut off from people for short periods of time including us and her, rather than deal with how he is feeling. It is only since her death he has opened up about how bad it has been and has taken the steps to arrange counselling asap to help him deal with those issues and help through this difficult time. He feels such immense guilt that he wasn't there for her when she needed someone and feels if he'd just committed to her and started the family she always wanted then she would still be here. I know it wouldn't have been that simple as she refused to acknowledge that she needed help for her addiction - or even that she had an addiction but he has that ideology stuck in his head and it's destroying him. My brother is completely broken and I'm worried he will try and join her. She had no contact with her parents for most of her adult life, she fell out with her sister about 2 years ago and her best friends earlier this year. I'm so angry at the hypocritical social media posts about how much they love and miss her - not one of them gave a shit in recent times, literally turning their backs on her when she tried to reach out to them. I get that she made it difficult sometimes to maintain her relationships and refused help from anyone but to cut her off comletely?! They're the ones who are sorting her stuff and throwing stuff away without knowing if it had sentimental value to her or my DB - they haven't included him at all!! If only she had reached out to us, she knew that we didn't take sides if her and DB were going through a rough patch - we would've been there. I'm so full of anger and grief but I don't know at who or what - her for doing this and not thinking of the consequences, the hypocrisy of her friends and family that cut contact or that I just want to bring her back and I can't

I know I may not get replies nor do I expect to but I need to get it out and my DH doesn't get it as he wasn't as close to her as I was, I don't want to upset my family further and my friends don't understand as they've not been through something like this.

I am so sick of hearing the clichés. Why is there this need to justify it with "she's now at peace" or "she's in a better place"? The better place for her would be here, getting the help she desperately needed, so she could realise just how much she had to live for! I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare!!!

Everyone experiences grief differently. I would think that they feel guilty for having stepped away. Sometimes self-preservation is the only way people can cope with someone like this poor woman as they feel powerless to help. The only person who can help an addict is the addict themselves by acknowledging their problem and wanting to change. Rather than have them get rid of her belongings, is there something specific you could ask them to save for your DB? Suicide is very tough on those left behind. Be kind to yourself and maybe there is something you could do in her memory that would help you and your DB?

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I can only imagine the devastation for you and your brother. I too get angry at all the 'supportive' public posting, as I know how many people are judgemental when faced with people who are struggling.

I’m sorry OP for your loss. What a dreadful situation for everyone.

Perhaps there are resources that can help you make a little sense of the complex emotions. Here might be a example.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/bereavement-by-suicide/

I'm so sorry, that's horrendous.

I do agree with you on the cliches. Absolutely.

I don't know if anyone has already given you or your brother a copy of this, but in case it is helpful:

supportaftersuicide.org.uk/resource/help-is-at-hand/

It's a booklet called Help is at Hand, written for people bereaved by suicide by PHE and specialist charities. You can view online, download, or order paper copies.

It is a mixture of legalities and practicalities as well as the emotional side. It may not all be useful / relevant to you, but I thought I'd share in case nobody has already and it helps.

Thank you for the links I will check them out when ready.

i mean, I hope she has found peace but it shouldn't be this way should it? At any age it's tragic but to be so young, it's unbearable. DB believes his life is over (he is only young adult himself) and that their problems were all his fault, of course I know they weren't but he won't hear otherwise right now. They had already thrown a lot of her stuff before he could get down to her house but he managed to find the one thing he wanted. I miss her and the thought of my baby brother living the rest of his life with this pain in him is breaking me.

You're right, it shouldn't. As you have found with your brother, very often people do not tell you how bad things are until they hit rock bottom and then they feel ashamed and don't want to burden others or just can't articulate how they are feeling.

It shouldn't be like that, you're right. Unfortunately it's hard to understand, hard to bear. That's why people use the clichés, it's a desperate attempt to offer and find comfort where there really isn't any.

I hear you Soangrywithitall.

I have no real advice, but I can only tell you that the grief, the sense of helplessness, the constant feeling of "if only", the rage towards the people who just make everything worse is very familiar to me.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Does it ever get any easier? Does the anger go? It just all feels so bloody unjust and unfair

I am 4 years on.
I have a few good friends, fewer than I had before I lost my son.
Certain people I don't see/keep in touch with.
I try to make life easier for myself.
Certain people have dropped me. That's fine. I don't have the energy to make the effort. It hurts that people I thought were friends no longer care, but it is what it is.
Eventually you learn to live in the new life. Things will never be the same. You will cope. It takes time.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son endoftheline. I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must be
DB is so fragile right now in a way I never imagined possible. I loved her but of course not in the same way my DB does. I just wish I could talk to her one more time and tell her everything will be ok