Both my grandparents died within 5 months

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Hi all,

I don’t feel it’s appropriate to post here because so many people on here have lost their children or partners, my loss feels insignificant in comparison, but I really wanted to share my grief somewhere where I can open my heart and speak in a way that you can’t in real life.

I hope that’s ok.

I lived with my grandparents til I was 7. I then moved in with my mum and abusive stepdad and life became a living hell. My head was pushed underwater, I was physically thrown out the front door, kicked and humiliated and laughed at and put down constantly. I started self harming at age 9 and fantasised about running away.

My grandparents were my sanctuary. Their house was the one place I felt loved, cherished, accepted, cared for and appreciated. Me and grandma would spend days baking, watching tv and films together, in the park, and then we would go on days out to the zoo and to watch planes take off. I felt like that’s what family should feel like and I spent every waking moment I could there, staying for weeks at a time and I bawled my eyes out when I had to go home.

I never lost that bond with them, even if I couldn’t see them as I lived further away. Unfortunately because of the above events I stopped contact with my mother which made visiting them awkward as she had a habit of just turning up at their house unannounced and I was terrified she would turn up, so I only saw them a couple of times in the few years before they died.

He died first, struck down suddenly with pneumonia.

Then her dementia rapidly declined after he died and she declined and declined and it was so painful to watch her. One week she would be walking and the next they’d bring her in to the tv room in this big hoist thing and she was slumped in it. It was clear she was dying towards the end. Weirdly she had tried teaching me to knit several times and I finally mastered it before my final visit to her. She was unconscious and virtually unrecognisable but I said look grandma, I finally learnt to knit.

I miss holding her hand so much.

I didn’t feel I could go to either of their funerals as my mum and aunt would be there and neither of them were talking to me, and are so volatile that I didn’t know if it would all blow up. That was so fucking painful to miss them I can’t even say.

Every night when I go to bed I look out at the night sky and say goodnight to them and that I love them.

She died a few days before Xmas 2 years ago and I can’t bear to think about xmas cards or trees ever since.

Thank you if you read all of that.

Read every word. The loss you feel must be enormous. All I can advise is to allow yourself to grieve, and think of all the lovely memories you have, and that you gave to them.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and of course it’s entirely appropriate for you to post on here

You might want to read the “but we took you to Stately Homes “ threads. It gives support to disfunctional families. Sorry for your loss. It’s good that you can talk about it. I cannot even start to verbalise how I feel about my family, so you are on the road to healing.

Hope nobody minds if I post again.

It’s on my mind so much that she died alone. Some family had been with her until only half an hour before and then she died. It feels so sad that someone who had such a big family who loved her died all on her own. I like to think that grandad came to meet her.

I miss holding her hand so much and her tinkling laugh. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother was. I once told my mum that I felt like grandma and grandad were like extra parents and she laughed in my face.

Grandma would always call everyone ‘dallin’ (darling) and grandad always called everyone duck. He was very funny and had the best laugh. He looked a bit like David Jason.

Your feelings are very much valid and understandable. Your grandparents were more like parents to you than your actual parents. They sound like wonderful people! Anecdotally, I think it’s quite common for couples who have been together for a long time and love each other very much to die close together. It also seems to happen a lot that people wait until they’re alone to die so try not to feel bad about that.

Bless you, your grief is entirely understandable. They sound wonderful. Be kind to yourself.

Please don’t feel bad that there was no one with her when she died.My Mum died alone in her fifties, despite two of us coming home from overseas to be with her.The Marie Curie nurse who spent a lot of time with her said that most of her patients die alone , it’s as though that is what they want.

Im certain she didn’t want to live without him, she was in tears a lot when she had to go and live in the home after he died, it was utterly heartbreaking. They were inseparable for 65 years.

I think it must be because Christmas is coming and therefore the anniversary of her dying that I feel so heavy in my heart. I mean I did anyway but it’s like I’ve fallen into a pit of depression and I feel like life is so incredibly painful that I’d be relieved when it’s all over- not that I want to go right now without my husband or son. But life is so fucking painful.

@bossybloss that’s very interesting. Someone else said something like that to me. I’m so sorry about your mum.

Sorry this is me the OP posting under my other username