I don't feel like I'm doing this right

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I'd be grateful for any thoughts on this. I'll try and express myself clearly but there's so much to say and it's all tangled up somehow.

My dad died about 3 weeks ago. It wasn't totally unexpected but still a shock. At first I was very upset, but now I don't feel too bad. I'm surprised by this. 3 weeks isn't that long.

I think I'm burying my head in the sand somewhat. If I find my thoughts wandering towards him, I shut them down. I try not to think about him. If I do, I start welling up. (As I'm doing right now.) It's nice that friends and families are saying such lovely things about him, and they're right but at the same time it just reminds me of what I've lost, so I kind of wish they wouldn't.

I'm guessing I'm a bit in denial. I desperately want to process what's happened and move through it, because I don't want to bottle it up and end up with more issues as a result, if you see what I mean.

The funeral is next week and I fully expect to be a complete mess during it. I'm dreading it but I know I have to go through it.

There are no real questions that I'm asking here - I suppose I just want to see if anyone feels like I do, and if anyone has any advice for coming to terms etc.

Thanks for reading.

💐Sorry for your loss.
There is no ‘right’ way to feel after a bereavement. We all do it differently. It might ‘hit’ you later, it might not. Just do what you need to to get by.

Sorry for your loss.

I was a bit numb for a while when my father passed and felt guilty for not crying, was I bad, did I not love him, I should be crying by now what’s wrong with me etc etc.

And then there were times I was bawling. Ugly crying.
And then numb again.

I was all over the place.

You can grieve however it feels right to you. If you feel like crying go for it. I preferred the ugly sobbing out the way at home in private. If you feel like you don’t want to cry that’s fine too. There are no rules.

Years down the line I still cry sometimes. That’s allowed too.

Be kind to yourself

Hi just to say I’m feeling very similar to you, lost my Dad 3 weeks ago and compared to how devastated I was when I lost my Mum 11 years ago (when 5 months pregnant) I am not ‘doing’ it the same way.
Feel kind of numb, keeping busy, occasional moments when I allow myself to feel something, then I hug his cardigan and have a howl. Then get on with another job. I wondering if I’m scared to go there again or if because I’ve done it before my mind is making accommodations now I have dependants.
I’m sat at the kitchen table supposed to be compiling a funeral notice for the paper due in tomorrow morning and can’t finish it so came on here. I’m also very confused about what to do about the funeral - I travelled twice recently to visit Dad when he was unwell and had to complete a two week quarantine on return each time as I’m not in the same country. Dad always wanted me to make my children a priority so I’d pretty much decided not to travel to the funeral with a stressful journey, lockdowns in both countries and quarantine again making me no good for taking my children anywhere again for a fortnight. Now I’m thinking if I don’t go to the funeral will I ever do this ‘right’ or build it up for later or is this just how it is?
Sorry I’m no help just to say you’re not alone. I’ve just started reading a book called ‘Tell me the truth about loss’ by Niamh Fitzpatrick - can’t read too much at the moment but hope it might help.

I’m afraid I cried at the funeral but that was it after a couple of months I stopped feeling guilty because I wasn’t weeping, I missed my stepmom more when she died six years later, it’s not that I didn’t love him he was a crap dad most of my life he tried to make amends and I forgave him because I realised he finally acknowledged the cow who brought me was a bitch, no not my mother she vanished when I was 8. Sorry long one, I do feel for you but as others have said we are all different. Hugs go by your feelings no one else’s.

OP, when loss is too recent and too raw to bear, denial is the way most of us cope with it. We “park” the grief until we can face processing it, a little at a time.
The funeral may release some of your bottled feelings - that is what it is designed to do. For me, the shock and finality of throwing earth on my 36 year old DH’s coffin after helping lower it into the grave was what made his death “real”.
Bereavement is slightly different for everyone. There is no “approved method” of dealing with it.
However you tackle yours, it will be the right way for you. You may well go through periods of numbness, misery, anger, sobbing, exhaustion, denial, endless repeating thoughts of “if only”, or regrets - but eventually it will ease.
You never “get over” a bereavement, but the pain reduces to a background ache and you learn to accept it and live with it. It may take months or it may take years, but one day you will smile again, and remember your dad with affection rather than pain and sadness.
I often quote a stone memorial by the Water of Leith in Edinburgh:
“Grief is not forever. But love is.”
God bless, OP. You will get there in your own time and way.

I am struggling with the death of my mam, it has been 1 year, I walked out of my job, I drank and took drugs to numb the pain but all that did is got me thrown out the the house by my wife, I have lost who I am, i dont drink now or take drugs, I am back with my wife, I'm trying to be a better man, the man I used to be was great, we were so in love, I miss my mam, i have dreams, I have sleep paralysis with it all now, my memory is terrible, I'm fatigued most days, my anxiety has hit the roof, I dont see happiness, I feel a dark cloud over me, I dont think I even love my wife because I dont love me. What the hell can i do.

I didn't cry when my dad died as I wasn't close to him

I cried when my dad died, I was holding his hand. Then nothing. Nothing at the funeral, it actually felt quite surreal.
Like you I pushed it down each time and just didn’t go there. I just have a cry every Xmas morning in the shower.
For me I just wanted to move on and remember the good times.
There’s no rule, do what helps you 💐

@Batman99 sounds like you should ask your GP for counselling. Your poor thing.

OP both my parents died fairly recently and I was surprised and a bit worried that I was so calm. (When my lovely FiL died I cried every day for months so I was expecting something more like that). But apparently it's more common than you might think.

I'm sorry for your loss.
My DM passed away suddenly just over a month ago and I have been just like you. For several days I couldn't stop crying. It still doesn't seem real, I keep thinking I must phone her up and remembering I can't do that. The weekend before the funeral I was crying on and off again. The funeral was odd as it seemed to be over so fast. I still didn't really believe that was her in the coffin. I can go several days without crying now and then will cry a little bit. I thought I would have cried more. I can talk about it to someone and it doesn't feel like I'm talking about my DM. I am expecting it to hit me fully at some point.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it, everybody is different and you cope with it your way.

@fluffyfluffyclouds. Thankyou for you your reply that was very kind of you and I appreciate it. I'm also sorry for your loss too, that has got to be very hard for you, it's nice for someone to reach out. I probs need grieving counselling which you recommended. I hope you will find your way through this too.

Thank you all for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not "doing it wrong"! It all still feels very unreal. The funeral was especially odd, like we were all actors taking part in a play. I know that I will never see him again but at the same time I can't quite absorb what that means, if you follow.

for everyone currently grieving, however that may be.

My mother died very unexpectedly in 2014 and I can relate to your surreal thoughts. I definitely felt as if I was watching a drama and somehow that did actually help !! Just be how you feel on the day and be kind to yourself Xxx💐

This is going to make me sound like a proper hard-faced old bitch, but I didn't cry for either of my parents.

My father had a horrible, progressive lung disease and dementia. He didn't even recognise me any more (although his face lit up whenever he saw my DB!) and his death was a blessing because he was suffering.

My DM died suddenly and unexpectedly (pulmonary embolism arising from an untreated DVT) but she also had dementia. She was constantly in a high state of anxiety, mostly about money, and it was a relief when she died tbh.

I spent 3 weeks clearing out their council house of 30 years worth of hoarding, and the day I gave the keys back and drove home from there for the last time, I shed a few tears when "God Only Knows" played on the radio in the car (not ideal, as I was driving down the M1 at the time). But I never properly cried for either of them.

I lost my DP, very suddenly, 3 weeks ago. I'm devastated, but I still feel like I'm not doing it right. I miss him dreadfully, and cry a bit several times a day, but I can also laugh. And some days I even manage to eat. But I feel as though my outward behaviour doesn't reflect the terrible sense of loss and aching for him that I feel inside.

I guess there's no road map for grief. We all do it differently. I wonder if maybe it was easier when there were more conventions like wearing black for X months and not socialising.

Dear OP, so sorry for your loss but please be gentle with yourself. There is no wrong way to grieve. In the early days, compartmentalising is a way of coping. Everyone is different but for myself, I find I need to have a photo of my beloved one so that I do engage with my grief rather than box it. When I cry as I do often, I think of my tears and pain as a connection with the love that I have for my person. I'm finally at the stage where I am grateful for what I had rather than sad for what I (and many others) have lost. I carry the love in my heart always and realise that the love doesn't end. Sounds a bit mushy but for me it's true. Heartfelt condolences

To everyone that has loved and lost, we all shared something in common, I hope every story that you have all been so brave text down will have some comfort knowing that we did get a reply and humanity exists, we are going through some tough times but our strength and beliefs is our way forward.

I so agree with WhenPushComestoShove- for me the only way to get by after losing my mother is to focus on gratitude rather than sadness- gratitude for the love that she gave me and the mother that I had. There is a great quote by Proust on the death of a mother, which I turn to when I think about losing my mother. It is at the end of this page: stoneletters.com/blog/advice-on-coping-with-loss
It's about being so grateful to have had a mother (or a loved one)- it echoes this incredible poem by Maya Angelou which I read at Mum's funeral- called When Great Trees Fall - it's so wonderful I hope it gives some comfort: poems.com/poem/when-great-trees-fall/