Delayed grief and grieving for someone I was on bad terms with

[alphasox]

I wonder if anyone can relate to any of this and offer me a path forward or any thoughts?

My brother died by suicide 10 years ago. He was 29. I was in my early 30s. It was a horrific time but I completely pushed all my feelings under the carpet as I lived 3 hours from him and my parents, and had a newborn baby and was setting up my own business at the time so that consumed my mental and physical capacity. We all said the baby was a great ‘distraction’ from the sadness during that time.

Also, my brother and I had a terrible relationship, we had very different outlooks and ethics and paths and I found him obnoxious and difficult. So I just drifted away from him from our late teens onwards (combined with the time I left home and went far way).

I spent years telling people I didn’t feel sad that he died, I only felt angry with him for putting my parents through so much shit in life and through his death.

And suddenly, in the month before the 10 year anniversary of his death, I have now gone to pieces. Is this even possible after a decade? I still feel so angry and so upset for my parents, and I’ve never allowed myself to examine those feelings before. I am worrying a lot about my parents at the moment and feel helpless I can’t support them and I haven’t supported them the way I should have/be. It’s making me so teary and depressed and I can’t stop thinking about the time around his death, and I keep dreaming he is back and still pissing me off.

I had started to see a therapist anyway, because I felt so depressed this year, and speaking to them has started me realising that the grief and anger towards my brother is part of my I’m suffering with my mental health at the moment. I am working through lots of things with her, but it’s really early days. She’s not a bereavement specialist but a general therapist.

Anyway, there’s my story. I don’t know what I’m asking but I would like to hear from others who have either had a delayed grief or people who have dealt with grief for someone you disliked. That’s the tricky bit.
Thanks for reading.

Hi, didn't want to read and run.
Lost someone recently where the relationship was not as bad as you describe but not ideal. I grieved for the relationship we never quite had, I was sad for what they'd gone through in their early life which made then that way. There is no consolation or resolution, no semi-happy ending.

I also knew someone who killed themselves and I was angry for years and years for all the pain they put their family through. Latterly - now I'm about the age they were when they died - I've been able to mourn the decent part of them - again, it was severe early childhood trauma that messed them up.

I think our brains and emotional understanding keep on developing through life, and some memories and experiences are "square pegs" which we didn't have square holes for at the time, but later, we do, and then the experience "falls into place" and we process it thoroughly. You've been a mother for ten years now and that, for a start, is going to provide a completely new p.o.v. about your brother. (Do you now look back at your shared childhood with new eyes?)
Anyway - what you describe isn't unheard of. If that helps.