DH died nearly 5 years ago and today it really hurts

[MamaTT]

You know that physical hurts right in the centre of your chest pain?
I’m scared I’m forgetting what he smelt like. How it felt to cwtch him. Did he like baked beans? I can’t remember. I made his dinner every day for 8 and a half years and I can’t remember if he liked baked beans? Can’t remember if he liked custard either. I know he liked a custard slice from greggs but I’ve got a niggling feeling he didn’t like actual custard from a tin.
He died when he was 30 and my 30th is fast approaching and I’m scared of being older than him.
Our relationship was very volatile towards the end due to the drug addiction that eventually killed him, but my god I loved him so much and his love for me was endless.
I moved on so fast after he died as I was so desperate to fill that gap. My DP is lovely so why does this hurt so much?
I feel so desperately empty. I’ve developed an eating disorder that I just cannot control. I need to sort my shit out for my 3 dc

I'm so sorry. It sounds really hard. I don't have words of wisdom, but am thinking of you. xx

I remember when it happened, you were posting here

I often think of you!

I'm not an expert on grief but it sounds like you are doing amazingly, expressing what you feel and doing your best for your kids.

If you're worried the eating disorder is out of hand do you know where to go for help?

@GirlCrush yes I posted here for the first time the day after he went missing. Feels like a life time ago but at the same time, only feels like the other day. Everyone here was a fountain of support and I’ll never forget the kindness of total strangers when even those closest to me turned on me.

@rainbowninja yes funnily enough I have my first telephone appointment with the psychiatric team this morning. I have been referred before but was basically told as I’m not underweight (BMI is around 20) it wasn’t an issue. So hoping for a better level of support this time. I throw up at least twice a day. I was obsessed with exercise but I slipped a disc in my back in March and still suffer when I overdo it which is probably a blessing in disguise.

It’s such a mess. My boy is 9 now and was 4 and a half when he died. He’s lived more of his life without him than with him and that’s so sad. He says he remembers him but I don’t think he does. He’s so like his daddy though it’s unreal. My gorgeous little weirdo.

My eldest is 10 and she doesn’t forget anything. She still struggles terribly with it. She has her daddy’s kindness and does the thoughtful things he did like always saving her last sweet for me, bringing me cups of tea when I’m doing college work, leaving me lovely little notes everywhere.

I just wish I could go back and save him. This time 5 years ago we were newly weds and my life had already started to crumble beneath me when I discovered his addiction. He fought so so hard. He had counselling. He went to acupuncture. He was looking into rehab. He really tried and he loved us so so much. It’s such a waste and it’s not fair. He was such a hard worker.

I don’t know why I’m posting here but I can’t speak to DP about this. It would break him. DH did a lot of things to upset me in his last months and DP can’t see past that. My mum is a “life goes on” kind of person and thinks I should just be over it by now. And my old friends are similar and some of my newer friends don’t even know I was widowed so I couldn’t put this on them.

So sorry to hear that you are struggling. Take this time, while your house is still quiet, to indulge your thoughts about him. Thinking of him in this way is not hurting anyone and it is a healthy part of grief.

You want to keep his memory alive for your children and that's ok. Your new DP and your new love for him is a different thing. You're not splitting your heart in two, your heart grows to include love for more people.

Even if your kids we’re young, you can still talk about him and tell them what he was like - show them photos. I was 1.5 when my grandma died and 6 months when my grandad died. But I have idea of what they were like because of photos and stories from my parents.

I’m so sorry about your DH. Don’t look back with regret - it sounds like it was a very stressful time and it sounds like you were doing your best to cope with young children and his addiction. It sounds like you’ve done a great job with your kids as they sound lovely.

It sounds like you are doing well to keep going. In the nicest way, if you can't talk to DP for understandable reasons, have you considered counselling? It might help and they might have some good suggestions on how to keep the memory alive in a good way for your kids and a sensitive way for your DP's sake.

That's so hard and you must be allowed to grieve. I hope today goes quickly

how are you feeling today?

Littlest DD dropped my phone in the bath on Thursday morning. Had to do the old rice trick but it’s worked a treat
I had my telephone appointment with the mental health team on Thursday morning (before my phone went for a swim).
They’re referring me to the eating disorder team, also for further psychiatric care. I couldn’t really take it all in as I was on the phone to him for 90 mins but he mentioned regular MDT meetings so I’m hoping that means they’re taking it seriously. I constantly reiterated that I’m absolutely desperate to feel well again.
I’ve really struggled this weekend. It sounds ridiculous but the weather makes me so unsettled. Listening to the wind and rain when the house is so quiet takes me back to when DH went missing and I was in my room with my sleeping babies absolutely heartbroken that my DH was out there somewhere in the torrential weather.
I’ve been awake since 1am. I gave up trying to sleep at 3am so got up and have been sorting out DDs toys. Can’t stand them all jumbled up. Everything has its place but DD seems to think that place is her bedroom floor

Children are back in school today and I’ve got uni today (it’s all online via Zoom but I go into the office to do it so I get less distracted).

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

I'm glad you are getting some support. I read your post the other day but couldn't find words. It's five years but seems like no time at all. I have thought of you from time to time. I'm sorry things have been hard recently. I hope you have a good, peaceful day. Any chance of a nap later?

Oh bless you . What a lot you have had to contend with and this year must be the icing on the cake!
I think it takes years to even fully accept someone has truly gone and for it to become real and if you moved on ( horrid phrase because of course you never move on in one sense and the phrase suggest you should be over it ) quickly then that will have made it much harder to process.
Please be v kind to yourself and grieve as much and as long as you need to. X

@Hailtomyteeth yes the five years has flown by. But at the same time feels like a life time ago.

No chance of a nap later unfortunately. I’m stuck at my computer until 4.30pm then have to collect the children from DPs dad and home for dinner bath and bed. I take the dog to the office with me so will take her for a walk on my break to wake me up a bit. We usually walk early in the morning too but DP is working away this week and left last night so no early walking this week.

@flapjackfairy yes I think “moving on” too soon has definitely come back to bite me in the bum. I was 24 when DH died and that’s so bloody long. I’d been with him from when I was 16 so I’d never been on my own. I didn’t “settle” for DP and I never set out to meet someone. We met entirely by chance and got on like a house on fire. I had a contraceptive failure and fell pregnant a few months into our relationship so if entirely distracted me from grieving. Which wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
DHs mum made my life hell after he died and in the end I had to cut ties with her (although the children see her every fortnight). We haven’t spoken in 4 years. I’m not especially close to my mum and she was like a mother to me for 8 years and that in itself was heartbreaking. Same goes for DHs friends. No one could accept it was drugs that was the issue. Everyone thought it was me.
It’s all such a mess in my head and I don’t know how to process it.

Well I say again you have had an awful lot to contend with . Loss on top of loss ! No wonder it is a huge emotional tangle in your head.
It is good that you have a nice partner . It wasnt a criticism just an observation. I know someone who remarried a year after his wife died and he had a physical break down many years later and at that time he grieved a lot for his first wife . It was like the dam had burst ! I think it needed to.
He remains happily married to his second wife many years later l am glad to say.

Hi OP

Today is the anniversary of a special event my husband and I celebrated together for many years. It had me in bed crying (that gross kind of sobbing) and feeling that heartache that physically hurts as you say.

I lost my husband to mental illness and it was all so tortuous and traumatic. I too have had excellent support and have a lovely partner I will marry. They are separate threads of life to me.

I still love the man I lost and as I've heard from many others who have lost a spouse, it's normal to feel it really intensely for years on special days and at other times it comes and goes alongside our new lives.

Hope you are OK.

Hi OP

Today is the anniversary of a special event my husband and I celebrated together for many years. It had me in bed crying (that gross kind of sobbing) and feeling that heartache that physically hurts as you say.

I lost my husband to mental illness and it was all so tortuous and traumatic. I too have had excellent support and have a lovely partner I will marry. They are separate threads of life to me.

I still love the man I lost and as I've heard from many others who have lost a spouse, it's normal to feel it really intensely for years on special days and at other times it comes and goes alongside our new lives.

Hope you are OK.

Hi OP

Today is the anniversary of a special event my husband and I celebrated together for many years. It had me in bed crying (that gross kind of sobbing) and feeling that heartache that physically hurts as you say.

I lost my husband to mental illness and it was all so tortuous and traumatic. I too have had excellent support and have a lovely partner. They are separate threads of life to me.

I still love the man I lost but as I've heard from many others who have lost a spouse, it's normal to feel it really intensely for years on special days and at other times it comes and goes alongside our new lives.

Hope you are OK.

OP, I’m so sorry for all that you are trying to deal with. I lost my DH when he was 36, so I know what it is like.
I think you have a lot of “unprocessed” grief that needs to be worked through and dealt with. So much happened in the immediate aftermath- new relationship, children, etc - that you never got the chance to deal with the loss and your own emotions.
You need the time and space to unpack those feelings and grieve properly, and you need a safe space to do that, without worrying that it will upset your DH or the DC.
I’d recommend a bereavement counsellor - you can contact Cruse bereavement care, or WAY (Widowed and young) both are charities and have telephone helplines plus face to face counselling.

I think your eating disorder may be an attempt to exert control over your feelings and your life when death has thrown them into chaos.
Explain to DH that it is no reflection on him, but that you have unfinished business in dealing with your grief, and ask him to respect your need to work through it with professional help.
My prayers that you restart your journey through grief and come safely out the other side to find peace and acceptance. We do not get over a bereavement, but we can learn to live with it. One day you will be able to look back and remember DH with love but without the sorrow. God bless.

Hugs. I hope you heal xxxx