Dad died & husband left

[Leaceh]

My dad died of cancer in June and although he’d been ill for over a year it was still an unbearable time for us as a family. I feel broken! My husbands behaviour whilst I was grieving has been appalling at best. I received a text from him whilst sat in the chapel of rest saying a final goodbye to my dad calling me horrid names because I hadn’t thanked him for going the shops. He apologised and then retracted the apology. He caused numerous arguments were he would call me nasty names. He booked a lads weekend away on my birthday weekend only 3 months after my dad passing. Even though I’d asked if we could do something together just different. It fell on deaf ears. He would shout at me and tell me that I was no fun to be with after 3 weeks of his death.
Then came the parting blow. My husband works away all week he called me up and I was feeling a bit sad. Sometimes the grief hits me when I least expect it. My dad has been dead 10 weeks he said “FFS 2 months, 3 months, your birthday, Christmas when you getting over it. I’m sick of it. I’m done”. 5 day’s later a got letter from his solicitor asking for a separation agreement.
I’m now grieving my dad and my marriage. I really wish I could hate my husband. He hasn’t been there for me, he’s behaved terribly. It’s almost as if I’ve always given him my full attention and now I can’t He can’t cope and is like a spoilt child!
I feel like my whole world is ending and I don’t know which way to turn!

Sorry to hear about your dad OP. Have you got friends or other family for support?

He’s done you a favour OP. Has his behaviour always been this odd prior to your dad passing away?

I’m so sorry you lost your Dad. It will take as long as it takes you individually to grieve. You don’t quite get over it, you just Find that slowly you learn to live with it.

I agree with pp, your DH has done you a favour. You need love and support at a time like this. Do you have DC?

He has always been highly strung you could say. If I did something he didn’t like he would ignore me for days on end. It would always be me that had to eventually talk him round even if things wear the my fault.

I put on a brave face in front of everyone. My mum is grieving her husband. I don’t want to be worrying about me too. I have to be brave in front of my teenage children.
This my second marriage and I feel like I’ve failed. I don’t let anyone (friends or family) see my pain or hurt!

Honestly OP your husband sounds terrible if he cannot support you then it’s better he leaves. How long have you been married? It’s a really mean way he has ended things, is that the only form a commutation you received from him just the letter from your husbands solicitor?

Grieving your dad will take a long time. I wasn't myself for months after mine passed away.

Your husband has done you a favour by the sound of things. Don't hide your pain though. Talk to friends and let them be there for you. Stiff upper lip stuff will cause you much more harm in the long run.

It’s ok to grieve with loved ones. It’s totally normal to want to support your mum, but she may well be wanting to support you too. It may be a comfort to be upset together.

You also don’t have to be brave in front of your teenage children. When my dad died two years ago, my children saw me upset and cried with me. I think it helped them process their grief, that it was ok to be sad and cry.

Getting out of a marriage that isn’t supportive or happy isn’t failure. Far from it. You can move on from this in your own time, without your DH dragging you further down whilst you’re grieving. His timing is shocking and should be all you need to end this.

Thank you all for the kind words.

I spoke with my mum and it has helped so much. The same with my children too. We all have a very long journey ahead of us but at least we are trying to do it together.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I felt so lost when I started this post. Now I feel as though I can do this and I’m not alone! Xx

As someone who has suffered terrible loss, I can tell you that you really don't need anyone around you who makes you feel worse.
Your husband is selfish, cruel and self absorbed.
You will be far, far better off without him.
You and your mum can support each other and, in turn, your children.

I have stumbled across your post and I really felt for you.

I too lost my father who I was very close too and who was always there for me a year ago. A year later it is still painful and I have a little cry most days. It’s not being able to talk to them, knowing they won’t walk into a room and you will never see them again. It reallly hurts. I am seeking help from a local Bereavement Group provided by my council because I need some help as I have to move on. Like you my husband did not support me and actually was still arguing with me and being difficult and rude. It made dealing with my dads death even more difficult. The marriage has deteriorated further and I wanted to divorce him in March, but with Covid I am waiting for my mother to get the vaccine before I move to be near her. My health has deteriorated due to all the stress, working full time with two kids at different schools playing nanny and a mothers other duties with no help from my husband. I got so ill, my immune system was rock bottom and I have now got tinnitus in both ears and I am worried it will be permanent. Stress is a terrible thing and take a toll on your health and if I don’t change my situation I will get worse. I do advise you get on with a divorce and to leave a difficult and selfish husband, for your own sanity and health. You will meet someone nice and kind. Don’t get like me. I am so annoyed with myself for not leaving him years ago, as I would be in a different situation now. You will be better off without him. I am making my exit soon and I know it will be very tough, and I just have to deal with this difficulty to have a better future ahead, with someone decent and kind. All the best of luck!