'Death Becomes Him...'

[KatieD847]

I have recently joined MN to help me in my TTC journey and whilst having a browse on the site I found this topic.

We lost our sister suddenly this year, it's been the worst year of my life. She was my big sister the one I turned to for everything and anything. Initially after she passed I did not want to enjoy life I completely froze and put all my energy into helping my family. it's been such an awful shock for us all. I put my plans to TTC on hold but now I feel like my sister would go mad if she knew I was stopping my plans and my life. Part of me is terrified how can I do this journey without her?

I'm on a waiting list for bereavement counselling however I feel I'm getting through each day by running on auto pilot really, I'm back at work and keeping busy again. But whenever anyone asks am I ok? I do just want to say 'no I'm not'.

Anyway...the reason I wrote this post is to share with you a podcast I've listened to and it's really helped me and it will be the podcast I will forever tell people who are grieving to listen to...it's called 'Death Becomes Him' by Brian Dowling. Brian lost his Mum suddenly a couple of years ago. The first series he talks to different people who have lost a parent. He has just started a second series of it now where he talks to people who have lost a partner/sibling/friend etc.
He likens grief to 'a club we are in that we don't want to be in' and it is very true.
I hope this podcast can help others like it is helping me .

I'm in my 70s now. My dad died suddenly when I was 10. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to him in any way. I was told by my Head Teacher at school. "Your father is dead. You'd better go home now". So I did. By myself. Got home eventually. Was pretty much ignored by everyone, including my mother. An aunt said " you're in the way here, go and walk the dog" So I did. I then talked to the chickens, went to my room and went to bed. I was sent to school the next day and neither school or family ever spoke about it ever again. I still feel more close to animals than people.

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved sister OP. We lost our younger brother to cancer when he was 28. That was 8 years ago and I remember using Mumsnet bereavement as a sounding board.

He was our baby brother. He was so well until he wasn't. I'm a visual person so I can only liken his loss as a raw, gaping, ragged wound that was ripped into the fabric of my existence.

At the beginning it was so painful but as time went past, the edges of that wound began to soften. It wasnt so painful to think of him, I could laugh again, be happy again. The hole has never healed, it remains there as large as always, only now the edges are smoothed and clean.

I decided, as I knew he would want me to, to fill that hole with things that would make him happy. Having more babies, riding rollercoasters, playing music, performing on stage.

Every thing that I do now that thrills me, or brings me out of my comfort zone are things that visually I put in that hole. It's no longer a black cavern of loss in there, it's now a glowing internal monument to him. All those things I do, I bring him along for the ride that he never got to take.

Time doesn't heal wounds, but it softens them gradually.

I wish you so much strength as you move through your grief ❤️

@KatieD847
@Strokethefurrywall I’m so sorry for the loss of your siblings but It’s good you’ve found things that help and are kind to share them with others.

@BurMaMa2 my heart goes out to you for what you experienced with the loss of your father, you must have been so sad and frightened with no one to comfort you. I’m truly sorry you endured that .