Older than my mum

[LagneyandCasey]

I recently turned the age that my mum died. She was in her late 40's and I was a young teen at the time. I expected to feel strange getting older than she ever was, but I didn't expect the grief to hit again so strongly.

I feel guilty that I'm still here having a great life at the age she was dead. My beautiful mum slipped away from aggressive cancer in just a couple of months. It was so quick and shocking and I wasn't really cared for properly afterwards. My parents had divorced and my dad had moved on and I never felt wanted, let alone had any support through my grief.

However I've had a pretty good life since growing up. Loving Dh and 3 children. I'm doing ok and I'm loved now.

I just keep thinking how she must have felt being told she was dying. Having to tell me. Having to leave me. My youngest dc is a similar age to me when I lost her. I can't imagine how horrific it was for her.

I sink into my thoughts a lot. I cry. I feel guilt. Menopause is probably not helping.

Has anyone else been through similar if you lost a parent at a young age?

Yes. Yes I have. ♥️

OP I haven’t been through this so I have no idea, but I wish I could hug you. You’ve done so well.

Have you ever had any counselling or the opportunity to talk to someone about your feelings? It might be a good way of unpicking the different threads.

Take care 💛

Oh gosh, yes. I have so many "targets" to get through: the age I was when she died (for my children to get past), the age she was, the age my father was when she died (for my husband), years married - and three of those come next year. However my recent birthday took me past the age she was - it was both emotional and brought up a lot of grief, and also freeing. I feel I have lived my life up to now expecting the same thing to happen, and now I am into the unknown and don't have to think like that all the time.

You are not alone I promise x

Totally understand. I just past the age my mum was when I died. My daughter is coming up to the age that I was (a month before I turned 6) so I'm freaking out at that.
I hope things look brighter for you soon x

Yes really similar to you OP, agree being menopausal doesn’t help. I was only thinking today I never had any grief counselling I often wonder if that would have helped. I’ve never really got over it. (I was an only child of a single-parent) Even now people ask about my parents and where I grew up and I have to dodge their questions.

I’m now older than my mum was and this year my daughter will be the age I was 😢

Although not the same, I felt like that when I turned 34, as my older brother died at 33 and I realised I was older than he will ever be

So strange reading all of this! I'm fast approaching the age my mum was when she died and have been feeling extremely anxious! My children are the same age as what my sister and I were and it breaks my heart.

Totally agree with hitting "targets".

I'm not sure about the rest of you but counselling was never really a thing back then, or perhaps it was but I was never offered it?! We just had to get on with life I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are definitely not alone ❤️❤️xx

My husband has patches of this. His father died at 40, when DH was 16. He went through a very difficult patch in his early 40s, not just regretting what his father missed but worrying it would happen to him especially as our child was much younger than he was.

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Hi op, my mum died when I was a young teen...I'm four years away from being her age when she died. It's weird isn't it. I know it sounds silly but I always assumed I'd die youngish too...It's why I've never bothered preparing for the future and I don't have a pension...

Totally understand. Someone explained it to me as “waiting to exhale”. There’s that feeling of relief that you’ve made it - but nobody to tell. “Hey mum, I made it!”.

My mum was in her early 40s and like yours, slipped away in a cruelly short period.

I found my own marriage too much, and I divorced when I reached her age. It’s as though I had no script beyond that. My life ran out of magic. I have to take it a day at a time now.

I'll be facing this next December. It's something I've thought about a lot but have no idea what impact it will have until it's here.

I was 20 when my mum died, and then 2 years later, almost to the day, my dad died. I had no siblings and I guess because I was actually an adult, I was left with no support from wider family. But as a mum, with a son not far off that age, looking back now, I wonder how I managed to get on with my life and my heart breaks for "younger me" a little. It all happened 30 years ago and I don't know if it is because I am a mother of child approaching that age, or if it's because I am approaching the age my mum died but I feel like a lot of stuff is re- surfacing.

Like you, my mum's death was relatively swift; she was diagnosed with cancer and was dead within 4 weeks. I know I was her world and I cannot imagine what is was like for her, but she went downhill so quickly, there was no time to talk. This will sounds bonkers but when David Bowie died I had a bit of strange reaction to his death. He was my musical hero , so obviously I was sad he'd died, but my overriding feeling was this sadness that he hadn't told anyone he was dying. Obviously that was ridiculous as his family and close friends knew and it was absolutely his decision not to share his illness with the world but on some bizarre level I felt awful he hadn't been able talk about it. I'm guessing this is to do with unprocessed thoughts and grief surrounding my mum's death.

It happened 30 years ago and it;s only in th epast couple of years that I have really come