Grief never ending

[marmite92]

Hi, My mum died in March, she was only 53 and although had cancer she was 'well' but died from a complication very suddenly. Its now nearly 7 months on and I find it still over whelming, but because I'm young and all my friends are too I feel this pressure to be ok and find that people don't really ask about it any more, so I am just putting on the front of being fine and having fun in my new city but behind close doors I'm a mess every day. I guess what I am asking is is this normal and when will it get better?

Yes it is normal and yes it will get better.

Yes it's normal, and I agree it will get better, but 'when' is harder. You can't rush it. I read somewhere that after 6 months people begin to get their heads around their loss. When my brother died (not dissimilar situation to yours, OP) a few years back, I tried to rush grief, but it didn't work. You just need to go through it, sadly. I know it's horrible. You're not alone.

So sorry that you lost your Mum when she was so young This year is a particularly hard time to have lost a parent @marmite92

People talk about waves of grief and when I lost a parent last year it felt very much like that and I was going through the motions with a lot of things. Some days it was overwhelming. I felt like I was letting the side down when I was a bit flat meeting up with friends at Christmas. The last few months the 'waves' have been further apart and less overwhelming. It is different for everyone of course but I feel a bit less under a sad cloud.

I find lots of friends or even my lovely DH doesn't really get it (can't blame them as if you've never experienced that level of grief it's hard to imagine) but I have a couple of friends who sadly have been through similar and I can talk about it with them. Other people don't tend to mention it anymore.

At least in my experience it's true that time is a healer and I hope the same will be true for you.

There are no rules on grief. Everyone is different.

My mother died in March too, she was a lot older than yours, but some days something very small will send me into tears.

Be kind to yourself, often other people don't actually know what to say, so say nothing. I think it would be perfectly OK if once in a while you brought up your mum in context.

Yes, the pressure to be OK can be totally exhausting! I'm assuming you're in the UK, OP? I don't think we're set up for supporting grievers properly, unfortunately. There's always space to be sad on this forum, though.

I feel for you. I almost can't bear to type out my loss. I find it like you... It seems so odd when we have lost someone so precious that others around us can go on and seem to expect us to. It is still very early days, very raw. Do you have one special friend you can confide in and share your tears with? It is a big journey to travel, and it seems that once we have our feet on this path, there is no turning back. And it's OK for others to not know that. It is your personal journey. Much love and hugs to you. This is so hard. Deep breathing helps me, and connecting with my dearest beyond the veil.

To me "time heals" is wrong. The pain you feel never goes, but you will learn to accept it. The day I wake up and I have no ache in my heart would be awful. No pain.......no love.
Much love to you life is hard, take care

I would say yes it is normal but not that it gets better, just different.

For some that is better, which is also normal.

Seven months is no time at all, and the sudden nature of your mother's death is a special burden, not worse than others' grief, but different.
That people don't ask about her any more is, sadly, no surprise.
Did she have friends and/or relations who would be happy to talk about her - that's the bit I find hardest- wanting to talk about my lovely late DH.

Many , marmite92

Like others have said, there are no ‘rules’ of grief so don’t apologise for the way you feel.

I lost my Mum in April, it was sudden and she was only 60. I feel worse at the moment than ever, I don’t know if it the change of season or it getting near Christmas. I miss her an incredible amount, I think about her everyday. It isn’t always sad, but at the moment it feels exhaustingly sad. It doesn’t help that her estate is still not sorted so I am being hounded by companies for money on a daily basis.

Take some time out for yourself, fresh air always helps me think a bit more clearly. I think one of the worst things is people don’t mention her as they don’t know what to say so they don’t bother, it’s almost worse as it’s like people have forgotten her

My Dad died 7 years ago, I felt like you for the first 12 months, it's an old saying but give yourself at least 4 seasons before the healing begins, I thought I'd never stop feeling like I did but time really does heal, I miss him and think of him every day but now it's all good memories and anecdotes with my siblings ❤

I have recently joined MN to help me in my TTC journey and whilst having a browse on the site I found this topic.

We lost our sister suddenly this year, it's been the worst year of my life. She was my big sister the one I turned to for everything and anything. Initially after she passed I did not want to enjoy life I completely froze and put all my energy into helping my family. it's been such an awful shock for us all. I put my plans to TTC on hold but now I feel like my sister would go mad if she knew I was stopping my plans and my life. Part of me is terrified how can I do this journey without her?

I'm on a waiting list for bereavement counselling however I feel I'm getting through each day by running on auto pilot really, I'm back at work and keeping busy again. But whenever anyone asks am I ok? I do just want to say 'no I'm not'.

Anyway...the reason I wrote this post is to share with you a podcast I've listened to and it's really helped me and it will be the podcast I will forever tell people who are grieving to listen to...it's called 'Death Becomes Him' by Brian Dowling. Brian lost his Mum suddenly a couple of years ago. The first series he talks to different people who have lost a parent. He has just started a second series of it now where he talks to people who have lost a partner/sibling/friend etc.
He likens grief to 'a club we are in that we don't want to be in' and it is very true.
I hope this podcast can help others like it is helping me .

@marmite92 sadly grief makes other people feel uncomfortable I have come to learn or how you might grieve is an inconvenience to them, after it initially happens people forget or atleast act like they have forgotten.

Don't know what I'm trying to say but when you lose someone you really truly love especially a parent it's awful I never expect to feel better