To feel like I haven’t grieved.

[marmite79]

Hi all, this might be long. I lost me beloved grandpa earlier this year (Feb). His funeral was early March so before lockdown.

I miss him dearly but I’ve never really cried properly. I’ve had times I’ve cried but it’s not been this continuous thing. I was in the hospital room just after he passed away and even seeing him there. I was numb, emotionless. His death was sudden (in his 70’s and not elderly in my opinion). So I didn’t have time to prepare.

I do struggle with my emotions. I do believe I’m on the spectrum (both my children are and it’s probably genetic).

It was the first time I’ve lost anyone and I didn’t really know how to feel or behave. Having two children with additional needs I just carried on in a ‘life goes on’ kind of way. I felt like I had to having two children who didn’t really understand. Then lockdown come and the kids kept me that busy I feel like it’s all been surreal.

I think I went into auto pilot mode. Keeping myself busy which I do with a lot of things!

The funeral is a blur. Now the kids are back at school I have some alone time and I feel like it’s hitting me now 8 or so months on. But today I’ve been sat thinking how the whole funeral was a blur. I can’t even remember what his coffin of flowers looked like and can’t remember everyone who was at the church - usually I have a great memory so this is bizarre!

My family are actually a very emotional bunch and show their emotions. I feel emotion but struggle to feel it. I remember being the only
One in the immediate family at the funeral not crying my eyes out. It doesn’t help I can’t show emotion in front of other people without feeling like a loser - even in situations where emotions are expected!

Everyone probably thought I was a cold hearted bitch but it’s really not the case at all!

Sat alone in my thoughts feeling guilty for not grieving as others did. Am I not normal? Does what I say sound normal for some?

Sorry if this is a bit long. I don’t really have anyone else to speak to!

OP, you have no reason to feel guilty. There is no single “correct” way to grieve - it affects everyone differently.
Funerals take place far too soon after the death for many of us. We are still numb, or in shock or denial. We are in no state to begin processing the loss or to express our feelings. It’s difficult to even store memories of the funeral, as you have found - it’s just a blur.
Be gentle with yourself. Let your mind deal with this in its own time and its own way.
You may find you are very up and down, that you go through patches of anger or despair, or sudden floods of delayed tears. That’s ok. Give yourself permission to grieve in your way, not someone else’s prescribed mode.
You will come through this, eventually. To your surprise, you will find the day comes when you remember granddad with a smile, and love, but without the pain.
I always quote a lovely memorial carved on a stone beside the Water of Leith in Edinburgh:
“Grief is not forever. But love is”.
Hold that thought, OP. God bless.

You don't have to cry to grieve. I'm not a crier either - in fact my family have me as the designated eulogy reader at funerals because they know my eyes won't even be damp - however awful I'm feeling inside. I read a poem at my grandad's funeral last year, and I never cried once when he died, but obviously I'm sad and I miss him.

There is no 'normal'. There is no right or wrong. The fact that you can't remember his funeral says to me that it upset you a lot - as we do tend to block out bad memories. FWIW, I can't remember what my grandad's flowers looked like either, and I only remember the coffin because it was so unique.

If you think you're struggling generally, maybe see your GP as you could be depressed. But if you're just concerned because you haven't cried, and you equate crying to grief, then please don't worry about it.

You will cope in your own way, and - in your own time - eventually you will be able to look back at your happy memories with a smile. I promise :).

Thank you both for your wise words 🌸

If you search back through threads here you'll find you're not alone.
Having grieved "normally" years ago when I lost grandparents and my FiL, I wondered WTH was wrong with me when I lost my much-loved mother and ...was pretty much fine. It was downright embarrassing to be sat dry-eyed at her funeral.
I still haven't quite made sense of it all but - it turns out - it.just.happens. that way, sometimes.
It's been nearly a year and part of me is finding that tough, as it's bringing back all the memories of last year when I spent a lot of time seeing Mum in hospital. But mainly I feel like I'm looking at the person who finds it tough, through a thick glass window or on a screen. Doesn't "feel" real even though it's me!
"The body keeps the score" is a good book about how the brain deals with trauma - it's very much not as hippy-dippy as it sounds. In particular it explains how trauma affects memory formation which might explain what you say about the funeral. Anyway I really recommend it.

Bottom line: don't worry or feel guilty about this. It's just one of the oddities of Nature.

I really understand what your saying - I lost my dad in March and its only just hit me. I didn't really cry when it happened and even worked two days later when is crazy looking back.

But I guess lockdown happened, kids needed sorting then work went crazy etc. And then one day (after having something horrible but unrelated happened ) I started crying and now sob every day. I have started grief counselling (work have paid) and its helping but she was saying that I have a way to go which is true.

Good luck - there is no "proper" way to grive or a time frame you need to stick to.

I really understand what your saying - I lost my dad in March and its only just hit me. I didn't really cry when it happened and even worked two days later when is crazy looking back.

But I guess lockdown happened, kids needed sorting then work went crazy etc. And then one day (after having something horrible but unrelated happened ) I started crying and now sob every day. I have started grief counselling (work have paid) and its helping but she was saying that I have a way to go which is true.

Good luck - there is no "proper" way to grive or a time frame you need to stick to.

I lost my lovely dad two months ago, he hadn't been well for a month or so but we certainly expected him to have a few more years in him . Me and my siblings took turns staying over so mum could get some sleep, and I was privileged to be the one who was with him when he passed, although I didn't appreciate it at the time. it was awful having to wake my mum and tell her.

Then my mother in law (who I was close to) died just over 2 weeks later. I was still coming to terms with my dad, and organising everything and helping supporting my mum when MIL passed. My husband had been strong for me then suddenly the tables were turned.

The bereaved partners are both the ones that had nothing to do with every day finances, banking, household stuff so my husband and I are picking our way through it all. I truly know I haven't grieved yet, I have the odd moment but want to let the raw emotions out but somehow they won't come...