Baby loss + other babies in family

[HerringGull]

I gave birth to my first baby at 23+4 weeks pregnant, and she died right after. This was 17 weeks ago. Generally I am coping ok - its slowly getting easier to cope with and there are more good days than bad days now. It's a process but moving in the right direction.
However, one of my sisters is due to have her baby in a couple of weeks, and obviously this is really hard. They would have been born really close together, and now her baby will be born and mine is dead. We were so excited that they would be born together, and now they will never know and love each other.
I've said to her that when her baby is born I just want to know that she and the baby are okay, but that's all I can cope with. I don't want happy phone calls and getting sent lots of photos and stuff. It's really hard to even think about it at all and mostly it makes me cry.
However my parents seem to think I am being unreasonable. They have been hinting that I am not dealing with it 'properly' and think I was stupid not to get counselling. They are kind and say these things in a nice way, but it hurts. Luckily I have an amazing DH and also some close friends who are being really supportive so I am not feeling isolated or anything. If I felt I needed counselling I would absolutely get it, but I think I am actually processing it in a healthy way.
So my question is, were any of you in a similar situation, and how did you feel about other births in your families soon after your own loss? Am I being over-sensitive?
Thank you in advance for your help, and I'm really sad that you are in a position to answer this question xx

I'm so sorry you lost your baby, I can't imagine a pain like it.

Reading your post I don't think you're dealing with it as well as you think, I also think you would benefit from counselling.

Good luck.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It will be a tough time and it is still raw. I think your request for your sister is perfectly fair and am confused that anyone would question it.

So sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely baby. Of course you're not unreasonable to want to distance yourself from other new babies. You're 'dealing' with the pain in the only way you can.

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time. Her sweet boy died just after he was born. It was a devastating blow. She met my daughter briefly when she was about 6 weeks ols- at her request. Between 3 and 12 months she used to come round and take her for a walk in the pram from time to time. I never would have pushed her to do so or expected anything from her. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this except to say you must protect your own heart and do what feels safe for you. Of course you are happy for your sister but that doesn't necessarily mean you can cope seeing her or photos until you decide its OK to do so.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my youngest daughter at a similar stage and thought I'd never recover.
One of the school mums had a little girl at about the same time as mine should have been due. We were all at the beach one day and I asked if I could hold her. Embarrassingly (since I didn't know her that well) I started weeping. She didn't know what had happened to me. She was so kind and I held her baby for a few more minutes.
It helped. Another milestone I guess.
Incidentally I did have some counselling through work and it helped me get through the initial shock and massive guilt that I was feeling.
Much love to you. It gets better, I promise.

I’ve had a similar situation but with my SIL. Her boy was born 4 weeks after mine should have been. But I gritted my teeth and got on with it. And actually first time I met my nephew it was fine, the idea was worse in my head than the reality. There is so few happy moments in life and I was glad I was able to join in. Every year my nephews birthday comes around it makes me think of what could have been. But I almost feel like a have a special connection to my nephew, probably sounds daft. I did have 6 weeks of counselling and 4 weeks off work with really helped give me the time and space to process things. I also wanted to take the power back - I had no control over what had happened to me, but I wanted to write my own (happy) story for my relationship with my nephew. I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though it’s heartbreaking if you go into this relationship feeling sad and vulnerable that’s what you might end up getting out of it - not being so close to your family and new nephew. I didn’t want that and to be honest I’d already had my feelings shattered so thought well I’ve already had the worst happen to me. The counselling helped me ‘reframe’ it. Sorry bit rambling. But you’ll be cutting your nose to spite your face if you don’t work through your feelings and be a part of this happiness for your family, even if it hurts at first. Good luck OP, it’s very hard x

I lost my first at term. My husband’s cousin and his gf were due a couple weeks after. I did not feel able to meet their baby for a long time. I felt so jealous and sad and angry and sad again and I didn’t want them to feel bad either. Obviously not as close as a sister though. They were very accepting and I’m ok with their little boy now. I think it was at least 10 months or so before I met him and when I did it was ok.

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. Whilst it isn't the same I had multiple early miscarriages and other people's pregnancies and babies were always hard to deal with. It's absolutely not unreasonable to fel how you do and you can deal with your loss and grief in the best way you find to get through it. But, it isn't nice being upset at other people's babies especially when it's family. And I mean not nice for you rather than you are in the wrong. So counselling might be a good idea. I wish I had done it at my lowest as I had times in work/ public where I struggled and wish I had been able to deal with it better and be happy for my friends rather than the anger and jealousy and pain I felt.

The only people being unreasonable here are your parents. This practically happened yesterday and you should be over it?

Jesus you're probably still in shock!

These things take time to heal and you can't just brush it under the carpet. I had lots of losses (not as late as yours) and I couldn't even look at a pregnant woman never mind even think of seeing a new baby.

I'm so sorry and I'm so glad you have a supportive DH. It's happened to him too don't forget.

My advice would be to hunker down, stick together and see the baby when you're ready - even if it's to stick your head in the door and drop a present/some meals off for your DSIS.

I wish there was a rule book, but there is not.

Big hugs. Look after yourself. x

Thanks so much for all your messages and for sharing your stories. It's been really helpful to hear how you coped with similar things, and it's obvious everyone is different and there's no right way to be feeling. I will consider counselling, but think I will wait and see how I'm feeling after the baby is born. Maybe I'll feel better than I expect. Thanks for your kindness xx

@HerringGull. I know these posts are a month old but I hope you still see my reply.
17 (now 21) weeks after your loss is so recent. Don't rush yourself, allow yourself to grieve and expect the waves of grief to come in different ways over the years. It is all part of the process. It is normal and reasonable. But it is so true that, unless you have experienced loss of a baby, then it is difficult for others to empathize.
My story is that my daughter was born at 26+6. She lived (in SCBU) for 3 precious weeks. This was 20 years ago. A cousin's child was born 2 days after mine. We met him when he was about 5 months old & MIL got cross with me when I refused to cuddle him. Also my sister had a daughter 6 months after mine. I don't remember how I found being around her at first - but when she became a cheeky toddler she had her own personality.
Your nephew/niece will have been born by now. Be gentle with yourself and it is OK to choose to do what you feel is right. I suppose my best advice is to keep the communication open with your sister.
Getting to know the baby can come later. It is bound to be a hard road.
Yes do think about counselling - but in your own time. At this early stage you need to find time to process your own thoughts - there is loads of time ahead. I did have counselling but not for a year or so - & I had some more last year. You still have all those 'firsts' to cope with - including her due date (which may have already happened). Be kind to yourself

I read this and did not want to not say anything although I know you posted this a month ago. I just want to send you a lot of love and I think you need to do what is right for you not what your parents think. Again sending you so much love x

Sorry, just seen these. Thanks PC20 and Mikeymoo12 :) So so sad to hear about your own loss PC20. I don't suppose it ever stops feeling sad, however long ago it was. I think you're right it might get easier when it's a toddler rather than a baby, but so far it's not been very easy. The baby was born in mid-Oct so a few weeks ago now, and I still haven't spoken to my sister. I've messaged her a few times, saying I'm happy for them etc (which genuinely is true) but I can't manage a phone call yet. She is being understanding about it. My parents not so much! They haven't said anything, but I can see them itching to force conversations about it every time I see them. Never mind, I will deal with it if they get pushy. The important thing is that I think me and my sister's relationship will be fine long-term. I'm actually quite thankful that Covid is preventing me seeing her family at the moment - it gives me space to process.
Most people here have very gently given the same advice I already kind of knew myself, but it has been really helpful to get confirmation that other people in similar situations can often feel the same about a new baby. Thanks so much everyone xx

So sorry for your loss. I feel for you. I had stillborn baby boy 11/11/20 and im devastated.me and my neighbour were expecting at the same time.she had her baby girl last week.i can hear her crying. And my baby will never cry.... :(

I dont get the comment about you not dealing with it as well as you think you are. You sound like you are managing amazingly. It's a tremendous loss and you are grieving. Your family should respect that more IMO.

@Milita123 I am so very sad for you. It feels like your soul is torn in half doesn't it. Your loss is only four weeks ago so you're still in the hardest part. It does get better I promise. I don't know if the ache ever goes away (I kind of hope not), but eventually you find you can smile and laugh at things at the same time, if that makes sense.
I hope you are managing okay, taking each day as it comes or whatever works for you. If you want to talk about it here feel free; don't feel you're hijacking the thread or anything - you definitely aren't xxx

@gypsywater - thank you xx

I had 3 MCs at various stages of pregnancy, currently expecting again. I have to say, the time after the loss of my first child was by far the worst time in my life. I have no siblings, but my two closest friends living locally were suddenly expecting even though they had either not planned having children or they struggled to conceive for a while - meaning they didn't expect it to happen quickly. It was an awful shock to me and I didn't cope well at all. It broke me our children would never be friends, would never grow up together. It's not how we planned it, it didn't make any sense.

Both of their pregnancies succeeded, but I only saw their babies in photos, primarily due to the pandemic, but partially because I needed space. I think you need to look after yourself first and foremost and if this means staying away for some time, please do it for your own good. If you speak openly to your SIL she should understand. Take care of yourself and I'm very sorry for your loss xxxx

@HerringGull thank you :) i also think that your sister in law must understand. You had biggest trauma what pregnant woman can have. Family must be understanding. Take your time. I am trying to avoid my neighbours. And they are too.because they know what happened and they were hiding beside some gate when saw my husband outside :(
As about me.every day is different sometimes i do feel better,but i have my mum with me whos leaving home this week.i also have my 4 years old i am not childless and it makes ot easier. But.... I dont know how to live i am so anxious like something bad will happen again and again and again.

@Milita123 I'm glad you have a child already. I know it doesn't mean that you miss your son any less though; he's his own person and you must be so sad you'll never know him.
There are good days and bad days for me too. These days there are not so many bad days as there were. Maybe one day there won't be any whole bad days, just achy moments where I long for her. I hope so. I hope for this for you too.

@PurplePansy05 I'm so sorry for your losses. I really hope your current pregnancy ends in a healthy baby. One day you'll be able to tell your child about its siblings.
Thanks for your kind words. I'm lucky that my sister does understand; it's more my parents who are the issue. When it comes to being able to see people again post-Covid, I'll take my time with seeing my sister's family and I won't push it too fast xx

Firstly I am sorry that you've had to go through all this - it's not fair! Regards your parents would it help to print off some information from SANDS or ask Sands if there are any specific things you can say to them to help them understand your bereavement better and why you might want to distance yourself from your sister and her new baby right now.

I don’t think you can put a time limit on these things. I am eight years post-loss (stillbirth at near term) and I still find newborns and pregnant people hard. One of my so-called friends sent me a huge ranting text (because I didn’t want to meet her when she was heavily pg and tried to be honest). She told me ‘babies are a fact of life so you need to get used to it’ and suggested I ‘get help’.

Sometimes people say ‘get counselling’ when they mean ‘your problems are unpalatable and you need to find a way to hide them to stop making me uncomfortable.’

Time, talking to people who understood and being kind to myself did far more than counselling for me. Unless you don’t think you’re coping, trust the grief process and don’t let anyone tell you that your feelings are not normal or healthy

Thank you both, that's really helpful xx