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Bereavement

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How to cope with no support

9 replies

2010rachel29 · 28/09/2020 01:41

My dad passed away 4 weeks ago after a year battling cancer.
I am only child and really close with my parents,but live away. My mam is doing her own grieving so don't want to add to her grief.
I don't have any friends partner does not want me crying in from of kids which I try not to .

I was in room but myself and happ bed to remember my dad and was crying to me this is normal (maybe not) my parents need then asks why I am crying it took everying I had not to bite back at him.
I know I am alot more stressed and short tempered but also don't feel like I am getting any chance to grieve as he is expecting me to just get on looking after our kids like everything is normal straight away.

To me I am functioning it all seems surreal like is not really happening.

Don't really know what expecting from this thread but just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out.

OP posts:
bettsbattenburg · 28/09/2020 01:46

Yes, it's normal. I cried in bed a lot. Can you phone your Gp? Mine was great, she listened to me on the phone for half an hour, I booked a telephone appointment as I had to query something else innocuous with them but she asked how I was and it all came out. There is also cruse bereavement counselling who are still working during the pandemic, i accessed their phone counselling. Unfortunately it didn't help me but the counsellor I got allocated wasn't right for me but you can request a different one.
Thanks

bettsbattenburg · 28/09/2020 01:51

To me I am functioning it all seems surreal like is not really happening.

I remember this stage well. When it ended it was like a sledgehammer blow, if you can try and get some support in place from cruse then it may help you through it. It does get easier with time, have you seen the ball in a box analogy ? At the time I thought it would never get easier but it's now 7 1/2 months since my dad died and it's a lot easier than it was, those out of the blue waves of grief are less often.

DimityandDeNimes · 28/09/2020 02:08

You are close to your mum, so why don’t you think you can grieve together? She might take comfort from you and want to provide comfort to her much loved daughter.

Can you visit her, sometimes alone so you can cry together and sometimes with your DC so she can enjoy her grandchildren.

Flowers for you, OP.

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 02:12

OP as someone who has been grieving for a long time I can tell you that seeing my grandchildren and supporting my children has stopped me from crying all of the time.

There are times when you need to be alone, but family should help one another at times like this.

Sending a hug

DimityandDeNimes · 28/09/2020 02:13

And let your DP know that you intend to grieve for your dad as he deserved and if DP can’t offer you comfort then he can at least give you space.

I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing for children to see their parents cry sometimes.

newtb · 28/09/2020 08:01

Everyone's way of grieving is different. Dh didn't grieve properly for his df as his DM monopolised the 'loss'. Everyone thought she would die first, but he died in 1980, she in 1993.

There are recognised stages, their lengths are not equal people spend longer in stages than others. Watch out for the well-meaning that say brightly 'you' ll get over it'. Ime you don't, you learn to live with it.

I found, and people I know have found, that, rather than the sense of loss reducing, it was the time spent feeling the loss, and the time between such feelings. Quite a shock at first maybe 2 years down the line when for say 5 minutes it hurt just as much as it did, say the days after funeral.

My father died in 1987, I was 30. Had he lived until my birthday 6 weeks later I'd have started to hope he'd recover from the strokes that killed him because dh was 30 when his df died. Doesn't make sense, but that's how it felt. DM hated him, so didn't grieve, dh never forgave him for not telling him to use his Christian name, so didn't really grieve and blamed df for their lack of closeness. Even 3 years ago when we separated he was still ranting. So, as an only child next oldest cousin nearly 20 years older I grieved alone. It's tough.

Sounds daft, but write to him. If you feel there are things left unsaid, write them in a letter. Then burn them so they remain private. Buy a really nice book, thinking paperblanks, or moleskin. I like the paperblanks diaries with magnetic fold over flaps to close. With a lovely 'snap'. You could date the entries, and looking back would show how much progress you've made.
Just me, just examples. Sort of grief journal I suppose. Others have spoken about bereavement counselling. Worth thinking about. Even finding a freephone no that has a recording that you can talk to. Would've suggested the speaking clock, but it's no longer free, so that's out.

My occupation has a benevolent association. They are at the end of a phone 24/7 freephone no. For members and family. Maybe yours does, too.

I'm 64, he never knew I changed career at 34, finally having considered it at 26 but bottling out. Very much in line with his first proper job after 2 years in the post room as a trial period. Showed me I was really his dd and not my mother's. Never knew about or met dd.

Funny, just remembered. I took him a half-pound block of chocolate in hospital. When he died, I took DM to register the death, and to collect his things. Some thieving git had nicked the chocolate. He'd had less than 2 squares, poor bugger.

Good luck, op, if you need to talk you can pm me, I'd be happy to try to help.

Take care of yourself.

bettsbattenburg · 28/09/2020 08:22

I agree that you don't get over it. For me it's like the ball in a box analogy, the ball rattles around in a box which it fills and hits a button which triggers grief. The ball gradually gets smaller and hits the button less often but it never goes away completely, it just triggers grief less often. You can't tell always tell what will trigger it, the other day I unexpectedly saw a trailer for a Disney film where two boys want their father back to life for a day to have more time with him, how I didn't cry buckets I don't know but I certainly needed a tissue.

designmama · 29/09/2020 22:51

I have recently lost my dad, if you want to chat or just to vent feel free to message.

HumptyDumpty1947 · 02/10/2020 14:19

Hi I lost my father in July. It still doesn't feel real. I absolutely adored him and feel completely lost without him. He gave me unconditional love which I know I will never have again. He was funny kind and truly inspirational. I think people have very different relationships with their parents. Some are close others are not. Ultimately for me it is about respect - if your husband doesn't understand how you are feeling he should at least have enough respect for you to allow you to grieve as you need to. Others have suggested speaking to your Mum which sounds like a great idea. I am also annoy child and know how lonely it can be. If you want to chat please do feel free to message. Take care of yourself.

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