MIL is not dead yet, but it is a matter of days if not hours. She is suffering from a terminal illness, and it has been clear from January onwards that she would not last the year. She has been completely bed bound for some months now. She has remained at home and will die at home. This is what both she and FIL want, and the Drs & palliative care team have been fantastic in facilitating this.
FIL, understandably, finds the whole thing very distressing, and has been struggling. Since March, DH has been spending weeks at a time at their home, spending time with his DM, taking the load off his DF, undertaking general caring duties and personal care, and organising carers, once FIL agreed. This has been at the request of both his parents, and also because he wants spend time with his DM while he can, and he could tell that his DF could not cope alone. They live a 5 hour drive from us. I have been staying home with our DC.
As part of FIL’s coping strategy, he has been occupying himself with various distraction projects. One of these was planning MIL’s funeral, which he has done without actually discussing it with MIL herself. That’s sort of fine. Although MIL would have wanted FIL to spend more time with her and talking with her, she was happy that he had something to keep him occupied, and at least it meant that he had accepted that she hadn’t much longer to live.
FIL’s funeral plans have been shared with various people, though not with DH or myself, and I am pretty certain not with MIL. I have found out from a family friend that I am not one of the invitees. Covid means there are restrictions on numbers, and she is well loved. I can sort of accept it in the circumstances, but I wish FIL had told me and DH. I can also see the case for my DC staying away. They are in large school bubbles, so even with social distancing in place, there is potentially an infection risk in them coming into contact with pensioners living in an area with very low incidence of covid on the other side of the country. The thing is my DH expects me (and the DC) to be at the funeral, and he would certainly want my support.
DH has been at MIL’s bedside for the last few days, talking with her when she is able - which is less and less now. FIL is checking in occasionally but he says he can’t bear to see MIL like this.
Normally I wouldn’t keep something from DH, but this isn’t the time for me to tell or ask DH about FIL’s funeral plans. And I certainly wouldn’t want to upset MIL, even though she is barely awake now. But obviously once MIL dies, DH will find out, and I think it will damage his relationship with his DF. What can I do for the best for DH?