Not sure what to do (funerals)

[Funeraletiquette]

Hi. Someone close to me passed away recently and stated very clearly that they didn't want a very close family member to attend their funeral. Which I have no problem with. I don't want to go into specifics as it's long & drawn out and wish to protect the privacy of the person who died. The end result was that the person was never forgiven and it was carried to their deathbed.

However, there is the option for it to be streamed and I know how I felt when I wasn't able to say goodbye to a loved one and they are a much closer relative than I am to the person who has passed away and it feels wrong to not at least give them that option so that they can say goodbye if they wish to and gain some closure.

I haven't spoken to this person in a long time and I'm in a quandry because I really don't want to end up reopening old wounds and they did a lot of damage to me as well and I'm conscious it may negatively impact on my mental health at a time when I'm already struggling. I'm also worried they may turn up at the funeral anyway (if not given this option) and upset everyone further when emotions are already high.

I just want to do the right thing by everyone but I'm not sure what that is. I'm also very conscious of trying to make sure that the person who has died has their wishes respected and I don't know if I would be disrespecting their wishes by giving the option to be sent a link to the stream so that they don't attend in person because they didn't want them to have anything to do with their funeral or passing.

I really hope I'm making sense. It's my first time dealing with the organisation of funeral so I'm feeling very out of my depth and vulnerable right now.

If the deceased didn't want this person at their funeral I would assume that they didn't want them to have any part of any service or ceremony in connection with their passing. And to me that would include watching a live stream. So no, I would not send them a link to a livestream. In fact I'd do all I could to prevent them from knowing when or where the funeral was.

As far as them 'crashing' the funeral I'd discuss this with the funeral director. It won't be the first time he's had this situation and he may have procedures to avoid crashers. Perhaps there could be a list and if this person showed up they wouldn't be allowed to enter.

I know of one funeral where 2 large friends stood at the chapel door in case a certain person tried to enter.

I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you're having to deal with this difficult situation.

Thanks @AcrossthePond55, your response has really helped. There is a plan in case they do turn up and they won't be allowed into the service, but that wouldn't necessarily stop them from staying outside if they wanted to which would upset pretty much everyone attending. I'm really hoping they choose to be respectful and not attend in any capacity. I know that if the livsstreaming wasn't available then me worrying about them having the chance to say goodbye properly probably wouldn't have even come up, which to be honest says a lot.

I'm glad you have things in place so they can't come in.

As far as them being outside, yes it would be uncomfortable. Perhaps whoever is watching for them can let people know they are outside and everyone that doesn't want a confrontation could use another door? Otherwise, it will be a matter of head held high, nose in the air, stare straight ahead and walk on. Remember this person's objective is to cause pain and discomfort. Don't let them see they've upset you.

If seeing this person becomes inevitable, just keep telling yourself "Be strong now cry later, be strong now cry later". It may sound sort of silly, but it worked for me in a 'same but different' situation. I had to see a person who had hurt me deeply and I knew they'd want to rub salt in it. I just promised myself that I'd be able to have that 'breakdown' when I got home but I needed to get through the event with head held high.

You can do this. But for now, try to let it go. Worrying about something before it happens is worrying twice about something that may happen once.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

You should not contact this person in any way about anything. If they show up at the funeral remain calm and ignore them as best as possible.

No. Respect the deceased person's wishes.
Sorry for your loss

Numbers will be limited anyway but try to make sure that they don't know the time/date. (So don't put make any newspaper announcement until it's all over.) And no, I wouldn't share the video link although it will be hard to prevent others doing so. I'd be tempted not to have a video at all if you feel strongly about it.

My dad's funeral was recorded but not live streamed, afterwards we got the link to watch it. Maybe this would be a compromise, you don't give the funeral details but let the funeral director contact this person afterwards and give them the link, that way you have no contact and the other person can see the funeral if they wish.

I fully plan to ignore them if they turn up. It's not me I'm worried about, but another relative who will be attending as there's no telling how they will react if they do turn up and they don't have the mental capacity anymore to contain their reactions/impulses due to how severe their mental health illness is.

No it won't be announced in the newspaper until after the funeral, if at all and the link won't be shared with anyone until I receive it which will be either on the day, which due to travelling I may not be able to share until afterwards anyway. We have family abroad who wish to be there but obviously can't be, which is why it's being streamed.

I'm a chronic overthinker which definitely doesn't help but trying to prepare the best I can for what may happen so I'm not caught off guard as I will be travelling alone, which I'm not great with at the best of times as my DP can't attend with me. So preparing, putting coping strategies in place and trying to make sure it goes as smoothly and as respectfully as possible for the deceased and everyone involved.

It hasn't quite hit me yet, I'm in powering through mode. I expect it will all hit me afterwards once I get back to the safety of home.

@Funeraletiquette you need to 'assign' someone to this vulnerable person to stick to them like glue. Preferably someone big and intimidating, but at the least someone who will not be afraid to confront and say "Get away".

Make sure that the vulnerable person has a swift exit by car or taxi so they can be gotten away quickly if needed.

A good send off was had a few days ago, very peaceful & respectful. No unwelcome faces were there. The vulnerable person didn't attend in the end and it was streamed to them.

I waited a few days to update just in case any family members are on here and would recognise it.

Oh, I'm so glad for you, and for the other loved ones.

Now that this hurdle is over, it's time for you to relax and just 'be'. Grieve as you choose/need to grieve. And remember that the memories that bring tears today will bring smiles sometime in the future.

I think streaming is brilliant. I have 'been' to quite a few funerals recently via streaming.

You don't have to give the link to the outcast, but it may be useful for others who don't make the 15/20 person cut.

My DF's funeral is on Friday, and my DB is adamant that it will not be streamed. This means that DH and DCs won't be able to see it. Only me and DD2 are going.