Grief after scattering ashes

[Yorkshirelass04]

Hi everyone

Yesterday my family and I scattered the ashes of my grandparents together. They were in their 90s and died in 2016 and March this year so we waited to do them together, in a local beauty spot.
Seeing the ashes go just seems to have triggered some delayed grief for some reason. I am now feeling sad and hopeless and like a huge chapter has closed. Cant stop crying. I feel worse than when they died.
I just want to know I am not alone in this experience and that this can happen. I don't have a big family and am childless myself so it feels a big deal to have them finally gone.
Thank you 💚

Of course. Re scattering ashes, it’s no different to grief you feel attending a funeral. The finality really sets in. You do however say a few things wish I want to draw out to give you some comfort.
Both in their 90s - lived a long lift
Local beauty spot - presumably as it was local it meant something to the family
Scattered together - most families don’t have the foresight to wait to do this. You’ve done something lovely for them and I’m sure it would’ve been within their wishes.
Crying - it simply means you loved them and I’m sure they also loved you

There’s nothing much I can say to console you but they wouldn’t want you to continue grieving at the expense of your own life. They would want you to remember the happy times and to celebrate their life and contribution to who you are now by being you, by leading yours.

If you need to chat, we’re here. What you are experiencing is normal but you don’t have to feel it alone

I am expecting a similar thing when I finally get to scatter ashes from a very close relative, there was no funeral that I could go to only an online one so it'll be the only goodbye . I'm dreading it because they died several months ago and I've started to come to terms with it, I think scattering the ashes will make it harder again. for you. I think it's normal to feel that way.

That sounds totally normal. You're experiencing your loss again, because it feels so final.

I'm still holding on to my Dad's ashes 3 years later. I just can't bring myself to let them go.

Thank you for the replies, I didn't expect to get any but it was helpful to note it down. I had never seen a body or ashes before and it upset me.

To the pp,
If you are going to scatter ashes I would be mindful you might feel the loss more acutely at that point than when they pass. As that's what happened to me. But it's important to go ahead with it for closure and to put their body at rest.

Thank you for posting about this @Yorkshirelass04 When the end came for my DM there was so much relief that I hardly noticed any grief.

Now the scattering of ashes that we had planned is postponed. It had never occurred to me that grief might show up then.

Thank you again. Hope you are finding the space to feel and work through your grief.

@finallyhere Thoughts are with you when it goes ahead.

I was worried about scattering the ashes, we have no idea when we can do it due to covid and vulnerable family members, it's been months since they died and I'm dreading the thought of grief hitting hard again. If we had been able to be at the funeral we wouldn't be in this situation but we unavoidably are.

@Yorkshirelass04 thank you.

Like @bettsbattenburg we have no idea when or how ...

My mum died in an accident and I found scattering the ashes to be the most painful part of the whole process. It was far worse than the funeral and seemed so final. I hated it and my feet seemed to be glued to the floor.

However I do appreciate that it was an important part and something that mum wanted me to do as it was in her will.

I haven't experienced this yet but I can imagine it is very hard. However scattering their ashes together is also lovely and it sounds like you found a perfect spot. Take care of yourself

I have my mum's ashes here. Waiting for the time my sister and I can be together to scatter them in the woods by her childhood home. To be honest since my mum died in June, it feels like I am paused until we can see each other. I know it will be a landslide of grief, when she can get over.

In pieces tonight, we haven't scattered the ashes but it's hurting as much as when he'd just died😢

@bettsbattenburg Sorry to hear that. Grief is like a hole you step round but it never goes away. Thoughts are with you.

I know that with my grandparents they were very old people and it was timely. I think lockdown has brought emotions up that I didn't know were there because I was so busy and focused.

I am an only child and only grandchild so it's very personal. Having said that, I never spent a lot of time with them when alive but I did think of them every day.

We put their ashes in a river both at once and they mixed together. It was very moving. I watched them wash away and it felt like a bit of me went as well.

This has made me think.

My DH's ashes are variously scattered on a favourite camping spot at a music festival, in his his beloved dog's grave, somewhere DD has chosen, and mostly in my wardrobe.

DD and I have often spoken of where to make a final placing.

Thank you for posting this, Yorkshirelass04. I'm glad the time was good for you.