Loss of a sibling and birth of a child

[FiloPastryMaker]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet, I don't really know what I'm looking for except some connection. Has anyone else lost a sibling during pregnancy?

I lost my wonderful brother in April this year, he was ill however the end was sudden and unexpected, and in the middle of lockdown. 4 weeks later my son was born. He is wonderful and healthy and strong, and a joy. But i feel so overwhelmed by grief at times. I feel as though I can't give my brother the thoughts that he deserves because I'm so busy with the baby. I feel like I can only grieve when I'm in the shower as that's the only time I have to myself. Everyone says that I can talk to them about it, but I feel as if I've run out of everything I can say without bringing them down. My partner is good on the one hand, he will look after the baby so I can sleep, and gives me plenty of cuddles when I'm sad, but he doesn't really know what it's like, and I worry about his own mental health. I feel so guilty for bringing my baby into this world where he is bound to experience suffering in his life. I've started talking to cruse bereavement counselling on the advice of my doctor, but I don't really know if it's helping. I just can't believe that he suddenly doesn't exist. I'm struggling to come to terms with how my role has changed since becoming a mother, I don't feel like I can support my parents through this time like I otherwise would have because I'm so knackered all the time. I worry about them the tjme. The health visitors say that I'm triggering for depression, but that it's not really post natal depression, it's all circumstantial, again recommending cruse. I agree with this but it doesn't make it any easier to cope. I can't really get anymore help with looking after baby as a I want to protect my family bubble during the Coronavirus pandemic.

I don't know. Any one who's been through anything similar on how to cope?

I lost my sister when my dd was under 1, so slightly different, but similar.
It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things.
It is really hard to loose someone young. There isn't a time limit on when you begin to accept it or come to terms with it - it is shocking, and rightly you will be stunned
I just can't believe that he suddenly doesn't exist

this ^ is really, really normal, honestly. You do begin to accept it, in time, but it does take time.

Even without your loss, having a baby is lifechanging. He is hard work and sleep deprivation helps no situation ever.
You are coping with a lot, all whilst in a pandemic.
Look after yourself, and remember, that it is okay not to be okay.

Thank you so much for taking time to reply to me. It was very comforting at 3 this morning during what felt like the 50 millionth night feeding of the night. I'm sorry that this happened to your sister, and I'm sorry for your loss too.

I'm glad you're going to counselling and am sorry about your brother.

I've no experience of this personally but I'm familiar with the 'we shouldn't have kids because they will experience suffering' argument and would say it's false logic brought on by grief (in your case, at least). All of us will suffer at some point. All of us will eventually die. But we get to experience all sorts of wonderful things along the way and there aren't many who genuinely wish they'd never been born. We're quite lucky to have been born in the time we have been and in a comparatively wealthy land- go back a couple of hundred years and you'd have been likely to experience more suffering and likely to die earlier. Don't feel guilty for bringing your son into the world, he's been given an extraordinary gift. Don't feel pressured to be happy all the time either; grief is normal. Eventually it will get better. It'll still hurt but not be so all-consuming.

Good luck with your ongoing journey.

Thank you @FourPlasticRings this is also really comforting. It's one of those thoughts that I never want to say out loud, I did to my partner once and he agreed which was heartbreaking, but I know he is grieving too, and he leans towards a depressive outlook on life. I know that what you say is true and I will feel like this again one day x

Hello @FiloPastryMaker I'm so sorry for your loss. And congratulations on birth of your child. It is such a hard time to have such a shocking loss.

My sister died last year. My DC are older so different situation but I had a big fall out in my close family at the same time as my sister's death and I really feel it stunted my grieving process. It was also summer holidays so DC were off school and about and I just had no time to myself.

I went to Cruse and found it really helpful. My allocated 1 hour per week where I would sob and talk about my DSis.

I still get shocked that she is gone. But I can also have bright times and the DC help with that. You learn to accept that life means death. That is part of the package.

Please focus on your own needs and those of your new baby. In that order. Everyone else comes quite far behind, including your parents. Brutal as it sounds, they can draw their strength from others. You don't have any spare to give right now. Take care and much love

I have recently joined MN to help me in my TTC journey and whilst having a browse on the site I found this topic.

We lost our sister suddenly this year, it's been the worst year of my life. She was my big sister the one I turned to for everything and anything. Initially after she passed I did not want to enjoy life I completely froze and put all my energy into helping my family. it's been such an awful shock for us all. I put my plans to TTC on hold but now I feel like my sister would go mad if she knew I was stopping my plans and my life. Part of me is terrified how can I do this journey without her?

I'm on a waiting list for bereavement counselling however I feel I'm getting through each day by running on auto pilot really, I'm back at work and keeping busy again. But whenever anyone asks am I ok? I do just want to say 'no I'm not'.

Anyway...the reason I wrote this post is to share with you a podcast I've listened to and it's really helped me and it will be the podcast I will forever tell people who are grieving to listen to...it's called 'Death Becomes Him' by Brian Dowling. Brian lost his Mum suddenly a couple of years ago. The first series he talks to different people who have lost a parent. He has just started a second series of it now where he talks to people who have lost a partner/sibling/friend etc.
He likens grief to 'a club we are in that we don't want to be in' and it is very true.
I hope this podcast can help others like it is helping me .

I felt like this after having my baby due to multiple losses beforehand. I felt as if I hadn’t been fair on him as I was older and had decided he was going to be disadvantaged as a result. I even became terrified of death. I was later diagnosed with postnatal anxiety - the symptoms can be similar to depression and can even co-exist with it. If possible go to your GP or HV for a referral to your local mental health unit.

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the birth of your child. What a time.
My brother died when I was pregnant with my eldest child and I never grieved. It’s taken 10 years to hit me. I was so wrapped up in the new baby thing that I pushed the grief away and I’m now really struggling and having counselling.

I would really recommend you find a counsellor.

Thank you everyone for taking time to comment, and thank you for your kindness.

A few weeks on from my post and I'm feeling slightly better. Feel guilty for saying that. How could I ever feel better when he's not here. The bereavement counselling has helped. I was skeptical at first but it has helped. I think hormones have settled somewhat too.

This **You learn to accept that life means death. Is such a big concept to address. Every time my mind wanders to this it's like being sucked into a black hole. I'm so scared of thinking about it.

And this **it's been the worst year of my life. It has. Been the worst time of my life ever. I feel so horrendous for thinking it because I'm so lucky to have a lovely healthy child, and it should be the happiest time of my life. The two things are juxtaposed, and I know I don't need to compare the two events but I just can't help it. My baby is so gorgeous and I feel so proud of every new thing he does but it's all such a reminder of the time that has passed without my brother. I can't help thinking about all the love and hope that my parents would have had for him when he was my baby's age. I know this is a pointless train of thought but it's just where my mind goes.

Thank you all for posting. It is comforting. Now that the bereavement counselling has finished I will give it some time to see how I'm feeling and perhaps go back to GP.

@cloudydays7 good luck on your TTC journey