It must get easier

[dewisant2020]

Unfortunately my DS passed away earlier this year unexpectedly, he was 13 years old & life has been one big struggle since.
My life feels like a rollercoaster ride, sometimes there are highs but more often than not it's lots of lows.
I'm not "me" anymore I have a don't care attitude & quite often hope I join my DS sooner rather than later.
I have a supportive family, I've been seeing a councillor and I am on anti depressants but I just want out. It feels like my hurts been torn out off my chest and stamped on and no matter what I do the pain doesn't ease.
It feels so unfair that Iife has to carry on when mines crashing before my eyes.
Have any other parents lost there children and managed to carry on?

@dewisant2020

Unfortunately my DS passed away earlier this year unexpectedly, he was 13 years old & life has been one big struggle since. My life feels like a rollercoaster ride, sometimes there are highs but more often than not it's lots of lows. I'm not "me" anymore I have a don't care attitude & quite often hope I join my DS sooner rather than later. I have a supportive family, I've been seeing a councillor and I am on anti depressants but I just want out. It feels like my hurts been torn out off my chest and stamped on and no matter what I do the pain doesn't ease. It feels so unfair that Iife has to carry on when mines crashing before my eyes. Have any other parents lost there children and managed to carry on?

I read this and my heart went out to you.

My son was killed in a car accident in 2017. He was 24 years old. Just getting a lift home. He was smashed to pieces. The only consolation I have is that he never felt a thing.

He was my baby. The loving one who came for kisses and hugs. I have been to hell and beyond. I can't tell you how bad it has been because I just can'r find the words.

All I can tell you is you never get over it, you just find a way of living with it, and the pain gets a little less as time goes along.

I saw a counsellor but it did not work for me. My children tried to get me to join groups of bereaved mothers but I don't want to go somewhere to talk about it. I'll talk about it when I want to, and I'll cry when I want to which is when I am alone.

I talk to him all the time. When I am in the car he is sitting in the passenger seat, and when I walk my dogs he is there. That is my comfort.

I have other children and grandchildren and my partner who has been put through the mill but is still here.

It will get less painful, but you are now different. Allow yourself time to grieve, and do not feel bad about it.

Three years later and it is still raw, but I have started to enjoy my garden again, and I have had a small holiday, and started taking an interest in my house.
My grandchildren stop me from crying and that is good but every so often I crash and break down a bit, but.. it's knowing that I have people who love me and need me that picks me up.

Take time and be kind to yourself. You will emerge wiser and stronger. You will be surprised how strong you are.

Massive hugs now x x

My DS died by suicide in 2013 aged 20. So I'm a bit further down the track.
You'll never be the same "old" you. I think that version dies with your child.
But you will survive and reach a new normal. It's a long, hard, terrifying road and I don't think we ever get to a place where we don't have flashes of agonising pain, but you somehow put one foot in front of the other and survive.
I couldn't do support groups either. I've recently gone back into therapy as I just wasn't ready for it in the early days, didn't help at all. But seven years on I feel ready to try to process what I've been through.
Yy to the suicidal feelings of just wanting to join him but they do diminish over the years. Although you might not believe that now.
I have poured myself into my other children, and now have little GC. I wouldn't still be here otherwise.
Eventually you'll realise that you're actually living rather than merely existing. I never believed this would happen as the pain was overwhelming. I had no room for anything but my crushing grief in the early years.
You'll find strength you never knew you had, and somehow - don't ask me how - you WILL survive

Huge love from one mother to another.
I get it.

Eekay, a hug from me to you. I contemplated suicide. I'm over that. They say grief has stages, it's somewhere on the internet. I believe it's true.
I see my son in my other children and in the grandchildren too. It can be a look or a laugh and it hits you hard and hurts momentarily, but strangely it is a comfort too knowing he lives on in our family.

I stopped wanting him to come to me because I felt I was hanging on to him for the wrong reasons, and if there is an afterlife I was perhaps preventing him from moving on.

You have to work it out for yourself don't you

anordinarymum hug right back to you. You're absolutely right: you do have to work it out for yourself.
There's no rule book for parenting your child in the first place and DEFINITELY not one for if your child dies:(

Ok so sorry . You are living every parents worst fear. There is a grief group on Facebook called Grief and Finding Meaning David Kessler that I recommend. I lost someone and I’ve found it helpful. Sadly there are many on there who have lost a child and people are very kind. It could be healing for you to be in that community. It will get better but it’s very very hard.

Typo not ok
I am so sorry was intended there.