Don't know what to say to my friend

[vivie]

My friend's sister has cancer and is unlikely to live much longer. They are very close and my friend is devastated. I want to be a support to her, but I'm struggling to know what to say. I've offered her practical support (child care etc) if she needs it, and said that we can talk any time she wants to. Is it best if i now keep quiet, or should I keep asking how she's doing. She's a christian and her faith and the church community are really important to her. I'm not, but I don't want to let this stop me supporting her. Thankyou

I would say that it's supportive to keep asking how she's doing, how her sister is doing, whether you can do anything to help and so on on a fairly regular basis (each time you see her, unless you see her most days). My mother has terminal cancer, and I really appreciate those who ask me about it - I know that nobody likes to initiate these conversations. There are some times when something has happened, or we have had some news, and I do want to offload, and it's good to be given the opportunity to do it.

Just be prepared for her to say, sometimes, that she doesn't want to talk about it, or for her to change the subject - or for her to burst into tears, even.

My experience has given me the following insight: in my position, I know that there is nothing that anyone can say that will make me feel worse about my mother's cancer (unless people imply that she 'deserves' it, as she's an ex-smoker with lung cancer). I have never felt worse for someone asking about my mother, and I often feel better for the opportunity to talk about it.

Good luck, you sound like a good friend.

thanks pw, wise words. Sorry about your mum. Must be hell for you