Anyone never knew a parent through bereavement?

[Bloomburger]

It's the anniversary of my mums death this week. I never knew her as she died when I was very small but each year it's so hard!

No one understands, I don't understand 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just thought maybe if there was anyone out there with the same experience they could tell me if they feel like this or if not how they came to terms with it.

Kind of.

My father died when I was in my teens but I'd not seen him since I was tiny and had no memories just a couple of photos.

Its not actually something I've managed to come to terms with yet. There's a lot of what ifs that go on in my head and sometimes seeing kids with their Dads is tough but then that was the same before he died.

I think there are stages to grief and I'm very much stuck in the denial phase and not really sure how to get myself out.

Not really helpful for you though. I often wonder if some therapy would help but I'm not good at sharing I person lol

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry to hear that it's hard for you also.

Did you have another father figure in your life? Are you a parent? It's been so much harder as a parent.

I'm confused as I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. If I get upset to friends they tell me how they lost their gran or mum but they knew them, they're missing someone they knew rather than the idea of someone.

I think maybe therapy would help but where do you start, what is it going to achieve?

No I had literally nobody apart from my Mum but unfortunately for me that was a real struggle. We're just too different in some ways and too alike in others to truly get on.

I would desperately like to be a parent but both Dh and I have fertility problems. We're taking some time out to think about adoption which has also brought some of my issues into my mind again.

Especially as I do worry about seeing my Dh parent our children and becoming jealous although in reality I dont think i would but I do worry over it.

From the research I've done I think therapy might help break the loop of thinking about it in the same way. Maybe even grief counselling. We do have the right to grieve even though we didnt know them personally but it's so hard to do that!

My mum died when I was 8- but was pretty much in hospital from when I was 5. I don’t really feel anything - which in itself can feel strange. I think I feel something now I’m a mother- about to have my second girl (it was me and my sister too growing up)- the thought of leaving my children makes me terrified but also question why there was so little preparation from my mum, and the whole family really. Maybe I’m getting more resentful

My dad died when I was 2 and I have no memory at all - added to which he was rarely spoken of and any photos I had I had to sneak out to look at. All very odd. It did affect me a lot - so many issues as a teenager and unable to form romantic relationships as I had no idea what a good one was!
I'm ok (ish) now and my mum died last year so I've done lots of healing, but it is hard - really hard.

I think therapy can help just to give you a safe non judgemental space where you can try and unpick the weirdness of the complicated feelings, I lost my mum as a teenager but have only recently come to realise 30 years on that I never felt like I could grieve. People don't like grieving teenagers they scare them! I can't imagine how much more complex it must feel for you.

I had counselling during a rocky time which included struggling with the grief of losing my dad who I was very close to. So different circumstances and not specifically grief counselling but my god it helped so much.

It really is a safe place to unravel things. Therapists know what questions to ask and where to prod (and where/when to leave alone too). I would highly highly recommend it.

@Pashazade a school friend lost her mum when we were teens. I don’t remember much on how things played out but I always felt like she was a such a lost soul afterwards (and still now) and looking back no one seemed to try to reach her. Your comment about grieving teens made me think of her as I can looking back that no one knew what to do for her, so therefore did very little 💔