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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Children to a funeral - yes or no

27 replies

LowFat · 08/10/2007 08:25

Sadly it's very likely that in the next couple of weeks my DH will have to say goodbye to his GD. He is currently in a coma after a massive heart attack last night after 2 months of being in hospital.

I know it is wrong to be thinkning of this in a way, but planning practically is the only way I can deal with things right now.

I have a DD4 and DS 10mn. DD loved her GGD and she knows he is very poorly and everyone is sad and worried about him - I have explained this to her. And GD loved his GGC (my DD was eldest of 4 GGC to him) very much, they were all he looked forward to seeing and I feel he would not be unhappy to have them there at his funeral if it would keep everyone in a slightly lighter mood - IFSWIM

My own father died when I was 6 and my GD when I was 11 (I never knew my GM's and other GD). I was kept away from both funerals at mym mum's decision and probably pressure form relatives. Something I will always regret.

I could probably have someone look after the DC's at home, but the funeral will be a good 2 hours drive away and I dont want to be that far away from my DC's - I tend to have panic attacks when my immediate family is split over long distances (a diagnosed psycological knock on effect of loosing people so close to me at a young age).

There is no question of me not paying my respects to GD as although not my own GD I love him like he was.

MIL or SIL may be able to arrange sitters for my DN, so I could leave DC's there if the sitters were willing, but my DC's wont know them and may not be willing to stay.

I dont want to bring this situation up with DH at the moment as he has enough to cope with.

I feel DD could cope with a somber environment for an hour or two and DS is very adaptable and will happily sit in his pushchair as long as he can see people. What do you think I should or could do?

OP posts:

DoctorFrankenSquonk · 08/10/2007 08:27

If you think that they will not disrupt the service and you want them there, take them.

BecauseImWereWolfit · 08/10/2007 08:29

Personally I think 4 is a bit too young. Funerals - in my limited experience - are not just sombre but very sad, and many people will be crying. There may even be audible sobbing. I think that's a bit much for a 4 year old.

However, it is a decision that you and your dh have to make based on what feels appropriate for you and your family.

I know that having to look out for my children helped me to get through my mother's funeral (although they were much older, at 12 and 8).

Very sorry about your dh's GD

GooseyLoosey · 08/10/2007 08:29

wouldn't take the 10 month old if there is an alternative. With the 4 year old, it would depend on what she is like and how close the relationship was. If she is sensible and would otherwise find it difficult to accept a relative who she was close to has gone, I would consider it, If they were not that close, but she quite liked him, I would leave her with a sitter too.

littlelapin · 08/10/2007 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn · 08/10/2007 08:30

Personally I would say no. Thing is, it is a very strange environment and they might react to it badly. Compound that with grieving relatives, specially older ones who won't approve of littlies being there at all and you'll be in for a very uncomfortable, disruptive day.

Personally I would get someone to have them for the day, you can always take them to say goodbye at a later date.

I'm sorry for the circumstances and hope it's not too painful when the time comes.

Pacific · 08/10/2007 08:30

It depends on the fellings within your own family and what is the norm for your relatives but I would say take them.

I took my children at a very young age when my DH lost a close relative. He needed them there for his own support.....sort of circle of life, the next generation carries on, etc.

goingfor3 · 08/10/2007 08:30

I would take them to the funeral as long as they aren't going to disprupt things too much, your dd needs to say goodbye.

muppetgirl · 08/10/2007 08:37

So sorry for what you are gpoing through...

My friend died earlier this year (suicide) and her dh decided that their 2 children wouldn't be at the funeral due to the nature of her death but also that he felt this was his time to say goodbye and all other realtives, friends ect. A funeral with lots of crying adults could be a very disturbing place for a small child. Also this is your one and only time to say goodbye and you will feel awful for others if the children disrupt the service and you can't really ask them to help as they are dealing with their own grief.

The children were 6 + 3 at the time.

Instead the vicar held a cermony on the saturday with no coffin but a memory table in which the 2 children were invited to bring things that reminded them of mummy, pictures, a model robot she made with them etc. Close family went as it was felt that the children needed to be included in the saying goodbye process but it was done at a level that was more appropriate to their ages.

I hope this experince helps you a little but it is your decision...

Original poster

LowFat · 08/10/2007 08:38

Thanks everyone. DD and DS both went to see GD in hosptal a couple of times to try and cheer him up. And DD saw him last night before we came home (the heart attack was discovered by the time we had got home). So she knew he was really poorly because he looked it last night which is when I explained how porrly he was.

She was not scared to go and hold his hand when we saw him on the previous two occasions, and tried to kiss him but he could'nt move enough to get to her - so he kissed her hand. And she was always doing drawing for him to make his hospital room cheerier. The eldest of my DN, by contrast takes along time to find her feet round people if she doesnt see them that often and would probably not have even gone in the hopsital.

I personally dont feel it's a bad thing for her to see and understand saying a permanent goodbye when someone dies.

She was 18mnth when my DM died and she came to the bit after the service as on MIL was looking after her in our house, and as it was my mum (and being only child) I was in no state to see to her at the service itself.

OP posts:

jenkel · 08/10/2007 08:42

I personally wouldnt, but depends on your family and your extended family.

But what a lovely idea muppetgirl, with a memory table, think its lovely to have a service more geared up to children.

Original poster

LowFat · 08/10/2007 08:49

x-posts.

I agree with Jenkel the memory table is a lovely idea. Sadly in DH family they dont always think like that and I think only my DC would be aware enough of GGD passing to do anything.

She is being a star at the moment and doing everything she is asked and not pushing issues because she know daddy is worried and sad. I would hate for not to be able to say goodbye .

Am welling up a bit now as this is bringing so many memories back, will check back later.

Thanks everyone, you ideas, advice and thoughts are really appreciated. XX

OP posts:

wildpatch · 08/10/2007 08:50

yes. definitley take the kids.
funerals are all part of life. kids should be a part of our lives.

WillyWooooaaaahnka · 08/10/2007 09:04

We took dd1 to dd2's funeral (she was sb) and it was fine.

We did have several chats beforehand explaining that we would be saying goodbye to her sister and that people would be very sad & likely to be crying. Dd1's response was that she would take some tissues for us, so we tucked a few into a little gift box and she did indeed hand them to me & dh when needed.

Conversely, my own gd died when I was 10yo and I was given the option to attend the funeral but chose not to. I still think this was the right decision for me at the time but clearly I was that much older, so able to make up my own mind.

WillyWooooaaaahnka · 08/10/2007 10:29

Btw - should have said that dd1 was 4yo at the time too.

Sorry you're facing such a sad time. Whatever you choose to do, am sure it will be the right thing for you & your family.

Tommy · 08/10/2007 10:32

I would take them.

We took our DSs to their great grandad's funeral and having children there is a very positive and hopeful sign IME - particularly if it is an older person that has died.

ToadieG1 · 08/10/2007 10:32

Yes I'd take them. We took dd and ds1 when dh's nan died nearly 2 years ago. I think children should get to see that it's a part of life and not something to be scared of.

Doodledootoo · 08/10/2007 10:34

Message withdrawn

lilolilREALLYISFEMALE · 08/10/2007 10:39

Sorry for what your family is going through, sad time for you all. My DS was 4 when my Dad died. He was 6 and DD 1 when FIL died. Didn't take them to either funeral, mainly because we felt DS was too young to see us and other family members grieving, which we felt would be more upsetting for him and also felt we needed the space to grieve as we needed to. When my MIL died last year, we took them both (DS was 13, DD 9). Felt they were old enough to understand adult grief and also that they needed to say their own goodbyes. Not sure that there's a right or wrong answer. Just do what you're doing, read what others write and do what seems the best for you and yours. Practical considerations are also an issue. A family friend who couldn't attend funeral cos she was looking after her own GS looked after my son for my fathers funeral. We took my DM with us to look after DCs for my FIL's funeral.

Hulababy · 08/10/2007 10:47

My 5yo DD's greatgrandmas is currently very ill in a hospice type hospital. She had a massive stroke in July and a couple of smaller ones since. She is, for the most part, unable to move and she cannot speak. Sadly it is a waiting game for the inevitable here also, and very sad. Although she isn't DH's actual grandma, she is just the same to us all and we are very sad about it all.

DD knows she is very ill, but we have been advised not to take her to the hospital. DD's greatgrandma will get no benefit from the visit, and neither would DD. So, DD sends pictures and photos and letter's via Grandad.

We have no plans to take her to the funeral at this stage. It will be quite local - 40 miles away and my parents will be available to babysit. She may well come the the wake afterwards though, depending on how things are afterwards. But I can see no benefit - for my DD - to being at the actual funeral itself.

Hassled · 08/10/2007 10:53

I think take them - I took DS2. then aged 4, to my father's funeral and I think the ritual and atmosphere helped him say his goodbyes. Funerals are very important in the "letting go" process and that applies to kids as well as adults.

feedmenow · 11/10/2007 10:37

Lowfat, sorry to hear of your sadness.

I was 4 when my GM died and I was not allowed to go to the funeral. This is still something that saddens me all these years on.

I lost my other GM 2 years ago when my dd was 6. I gave her the choice and she chose to come. She was put in the care of her dad so that I had my chance to grieve selfishly at the service. She made the wake fantastic because with a child around it is hard to continue being upset in a negative way. Instead, everyone there was much more able to remember my GM in a positive way, with smiles on our It became much more of a celebration of life than a mourning of death.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/10/2007 12:00

Sorry to hear your sad news.

We have taken DD to funerals (close family members, or funerals where we know that children will be present). We sit at the back, and if she starts getting noisy, I sneak out. I has never been a problem, and people seem to like babies afterwards, as a bit of a distraction. She is much closer to your DS's age though. I don't have experience of a 4-year old, but I would suspect that it would depend greatly on the child.

ruddynorah · 12/10/2007 12:11

yes take them.

Tortington · 12/10/2007 12:14

i wouldnt take them to the hole in the ground bit - i would maybe take them to service ( if they can be quiet) and then take them to wake

Pinkchampagne · 12/10/2007 12:27

When my Nan recently passed away, I gave my boys the option as to whether they wanted to go to her funeral or not, as I remember feeling quite upset that I wasn't told anything about my Grandad's funeral, when I was 12.
Your DD is maybe a little young to make a decision, but if you think your DD would cope ok (my 4 year old DS2 was very upset following my nan's death) then I see no reason why you shouldn't take them along to the service.

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